Retro Overheard

Man, semi-sober, obviously a citizen of Burnside street, loudly and to no one in particular:
"Today's President Reagan's birthday."

Pause.

"I think I'll skip it."

- Overheard on #14 bus, 1980s

-- Overheard by Margaret, never forgotten it

Mr. Manners

Old man on Portland Streetcar, watching passenger in wheelchair exiting through a crowd at the door:

"Can't you see he's in a wheelchair? You people are a bunch of idiots."

(To the entire car); "Where's people's goddamn manners? What a bunch of ignorant people."

- Overheard by Steve

Cramming for the Bar

Girl at bar: "I have to read half this ten-pound textbook by tomorrow morning."

(pauses) "Bartender, make it a double!"

- MuMu's

-- Overheard by Rich

Department of Redundancy Department

Girl on cell phone: "I tend to go on and on and on and on and say the same things over and over and over and over again. When I do that, he just shuts down."

-- Overheard by Steve on No. 19 bus

Winwood

4 year old girl on her way to preschool on a foggy day: "I'm lost in my imagination and I can't find my way home."

- In the fog

-- Overheard by Nicole

Eating Outside the Box

Wife to Husband: "What kind of pasta should we get?"

Husband to Wife : "I dunno."

Wife to Husband: "Well, why don't we try something really different? How about this fettucine stuff?"

- Safeway

-- Overheard by Dyana

Beth, I hear you callin'

Bartender: "You heard of this band that has midgets playing Kiss covers?"

Drummer: "Oh yeah, Mini Kiss. Our manager had to drop those guys because the little Paul Stanley dude kept whipping his dick out."

- Ash Street Saloon

-- Overheard by Rich

Viva Max

Man: "Sir, can I ask you a short question...no money involved?"

dramatic pause... "Ain't love grand?"

- Yellow Max at Skidmore Fountain, 9:40am on 1/20/2007

-- Overheard by Steve

Not much she can say, then

Overheard from a group doing what looked like court-ordered community service, cleaning streets in Old Town:

Guy: “Well, she was naked when I met her, so...”

- Old Town

-- Overheard by lauraf

By Pure Deduction

Woman #1 (in the stall): "I'm just so glad that men have their own bathrooms. You know what they do?"

Woman #2 (at the sink): "What? What are you talking about?"

Woman #1: "Men. You know they... they pee standing up."

Woman #2: "Umm, yes. Yes they do."

Woman #1: "And they only sit to go poop."

Woman #2: "Ok, so how do you know all this?"

Woman #1 (poking her head out of the stall): "You know what? I've been thinking about it for a long time."

- Chevy's

-- Overheard by Stella

The trans-fat dialectic

Customer: “My sister’s a F#&$in’ communist and is anti-organic!!!”

Clerk: "Anti-organic?? So, what… she wants to be contaminated so she can turn into an alien??”

Customer: “Yeah, she’ll learn.”

- Portland lunch counter

-- Overheard by Sheri

Roamin Meal

Guy:
"My name is Roamin Freely! That's spelled R-O-A-M-I-N...No, I changed it legally!"

- Outside of Bob's Handy Pantry, SE Pershing & SE Milwaukie

-- Overheard by L.A.B.

But then you'll have to go to chick flicks

Guy with mohawk: "You can only masturbate so much. Sometimes you just want somebody to hold you."

- Dots

-- Overheard by joh

Direct Deposit

Elderly man at teller window passes gas, long and loud.

Young Man, Next In Line: "That's awesome."

- Washington Mutual, SE 39th and Hawthorne

-- Overheard by b!X

Hot for Teacher

Drunk Guy: "She's a teacher? Teachers are hot! There's something about being around those kids all day that makes 'em horny."

- Mississippi Pizza

-- Overheard by Rich

As the Brits say, "On your bike!"

Man on corner barstool: "They tried to fire me after I quit."

- Imbibe

-- Overheard by Rich

Key Caps

Mother to Child: "The key to life is communication! This means tell grandma where you're going!"

- Washington Square Mall

-- Overheard by Molly

Female Cache Memory

Guy #1: "You know why women don't listen?"

Guy #2: "No. Why?"

Guy #1: "Because they're too busy memorizing every word you've ever said."

- MuMu's

-- Overheard by Rich

Cage Match

Guy (Speaking to himself): "Maaaan, Nicholas Cage is in three movies just on this one rack. Asshole."

- Hollywood Video (West Burnside)

-- Overheard by MJS on 12/24

Fountain of Youth

Bouncer (looking at ID): "Wow! 1962? What's your secret?"

Guy: "You're as young as the woman you feel."

- Towne Lounge

-- Overheard by Rich

Scoots of Rock

A car pulls up next to me.

Guy 1: "We're putting the *band* back together!"

Guy 2: "Wanna come along?"

They drive away without waiting for an answer.

- Downtown gas station parking lot

-- Overheard by Brandon

Shaq attack

Large black guy, singing: "My name is O'Neal Shaquille!" (giggles) "You know Jesus, he have a crush on everybody!"

- #14 Hawthorne Bus to Portland

-- Overheard by L.A.B.

Best Defense

Woman: "You write cursive. That means you're defensive."

Guy: "No I'm not!"

- MuMu's

-- Overheard by Rich

Sticker Shock

Customer #1: "You've got something stuck to your back."

Barista: "I do? What is it?"

Customer #1: "I don't know, I didn't catch it."

Customer #2: "It says, 'Use First.'"

Barista: "It does?"

Customer #2: "Yeah."

Barista: "Awesome."

- Floyd's Coffee Shop

-- Overheard by b!X

Ma-kin' Copies

Woman #1 in office: “What’s a good exercise for the abs?”

Woman #2 in office: “Well, I can think of one thing that’s good for the abs…”

Woman #3 in office: “Yeah, but only if he can last longer than a minute or two!”

Forgotten copier repairman, coming out from under the copier: “Thanks ladies, it’s been an educational afternoon.”

- Portland office

-- Overheard by Pez

A fight in any other town?

In a dark parking lot, First Guy is inspecting his parked sporty European car. It seems like it might have been dinged while parked there. He sees something on his windshield (a note from the dinger?), looks at it dismissively, and tosses it on the ground.

Second Guy (seeing paper on the ground): "You're not just going to litter like that, are you?"

First Guy: "Well, I was going to, but now I don't think I will." (He bends over and picks it up.)

Second Guy: "Wow, thanks, man. Have a great night."

- 12th and Taylor

-- Overheard by Gregory

Gregory notes: I thought this was right on. What could have been a heated, profanity-laced exchange ended up being pretty damned cool. I salute those two guys.

Yeah, It'll Be a Real Vacation, All Right

Dad to Dad: "Maybe next time I see you I'll have a little one strapped to my chest. I'm looking forward to it -- I really need a vacation from work. I'm taking three weeks paternity leave."

- Sohbet Coffeehouse

-- Overheard by Wacky Mommy
http://wackymommy.org/

Goddess Shrugged

Real estate agent (looking at ad): "This is bull. You can't be a loan goddess when you've never done a loan."

Guy: "And you can't be a lone goddess if you've never been alone."

- Wilf's

-- Overheard by Rich

Magnum Booty

Bartender: "So this chick was big--like, stepladder big, you know? So I asked her if she wanted to go out to the parking lot and make out. She goes, ok."

Patron: "No way."

Bartender: "Yeah, I mean she was big. (Holds two round drink trays over his butt cheeks.) Her ass was like this I'm telling you. So anyway, I come back in and the other bartender just puts this shot in front of me and doesn't say a word!"

- Mu Mu's

-- Overheard by Rich

Come Hither

Parent resembling Tobias from Arrested Development: "You look like you want to get some more action."

Recruiter: "Well... I do hope to speak with more students."

- Portland college fair during a slow period

-- Overheard by Robyn from Austin

Was Bush in Town?

Scientologist to colleague (laughing): "...so he tested so far toward the devil that they literally asked him to leave!"

- Exiting the Scientologist Celebrity Center

-- Overheard by electricspacegirl

Crystal Method

Goth teenager 1: "Hey! Where's my magic crystal! Did you take my crystal?"

Goth teenager 2: "It's not even a crystal! It's made of plastic!"

Goth teenager 1: "Hmph! It's the shape that matters."

- On the Max

-- Overheard by Sara

Harry Potter Generation

Girl #1: "I went to San Fransisco once."
Girl #2: "Ohhh! Did you go to Azkaban?"
Girl #1: "What?"
Girl #2: "Azkaban. You know, the prison."

Random man behind me (muttering): "That's Alcatraz, you moron."

- Bus #33 to Oregon City Transit Center

-- Overheard by: Kris

What is Black Rock?

Business Dude: "It's kind of like a jewish Burning Man."

- Red Coach Inn

-- Overheard by Ralph

Book Force

Brunette: "Do you like to read?"

Powell's employee (laughing): "I don't think anyone who works at Powells doesn't like to read."

- Blue Room, Powell's City of Books

-- Overheard by P.J.

A Woman's Scorn

Drunk pixie in booth: "I swear, I must have told over 300 people how small his penis is."

- Billy Ray's Neighborhood Dive

-- Overheard by 22oz Pabst

Crack

Drunk Dude #1: "I saw your butt crack."

Drunk Dude #2: "My butt crack is majestical like a lion."

- On the steps of the Wellesley Court Apartments

-- Overheard by b!X

24 months to go

Kid walking: "Daddy, are you voting for President?"

Daddy: "No. The President gets to keep his job for two more years."

Man walking by: "Two long years."

- Bull Ring

-- Overheard by Rich

Scratch the hotties

Woman on cell phone: "He said he didn't want anyone he'd ever considered dating at his wedding, so I'm not invited."

- SW Third and Taylor

-- Overheard by Cat

Too young to be PC

White boy, 8 or 9 years old to 30ish african american cashier: "You're a brown girl; i like brown girls."

Cashier: "Oh, that's so cute."

- Checkout at gateway fred meyers

-- Overheard by carywd

More of a guideline than a rule?

Man with woman walking dog: "The rule was: you weren't supposed to drink any f***ing whiskey! That means no f***ing hard liquor!"

- Faulkner Alternators

-- Overheard by Rich

Tat tutor

Coming out of a PE class:

girl in mid-20s: "Where did you get your tattoos?"

guy in early-30s: "Prison."

girl: "Oh, I guess I can't go there, can I?"

- PCC Sylvania campus

-- Overheard by The Blankenships

Something smells funny in Eugene

After the Decemberists' show on Wednesday night:

Girlfriend: "I have to go to the bathroom!"

German major # 1: "Wait until we get outside and piss in the street. That's how we do it in Eugene."

German major # 2: "No we don't. We piss on our own front doors!"

German major #1: "And when we aren't at home, we piss on der dummkopf!"

German major #2: "Piss on der dummkopf!"

German major # 1 and # 2: [chanting] "Piss on der dummkopf! Piss on der dummkopf!"

- Stairwell at the Crystal Ballroom

-- Overheard by Brandon

As if he'd want you to

Six Foot Transvestite: "As if I'd want to work my whole life making some rich, straight white man richer."

- Fat Tire Farm

--Overheard by Rich

Prices SoLo

Gal: "How much did you say that beer was?"

Guy: "Seven bucks."

Gal: "That's a lot for a bar in Portland."

Guy: "Maybe we're supposed to keep the glass."

- SoLo

-- Overheard by Rich

Pennyless is Timelessness

Teenager: "Dude, can you spare some change?"

Man: "Sure, kid."

Teenager: "Thanks, that's cool. So, how's it going for you today?"

Man: "What can I say? It's Friday."

Teenager (bugeyed): "It's Friday? Oh man, I am so screwed."

- Blue Moon Cafe

-- Overheard by Rich

Choose your way out

Woman #1: "How do you want to go?"

Woman #2: "I'd prefer to be suffocated."

- Blue Moon Tavern

-- Overheard by Rich

Bubble numbers

Lady Real Estate Agent: "You bought it two months ago? Sorry. You can't use that number for market value."

- Dragonfly

-- Overheard by Rich

Even if I did, we were on a break!

30's man and woman couple
Him (screaming): "I told you at lunch and I'll tell you again, I did not f*ck her!"

- NW Park Blocks

-- Overheard by John

Nerds

Girl 1: "It's almost like I'd rather have no scene than a nerd scene."

Girl 2: "Yeah, nerd scenes are the worst."

- Floyd's Coffee Shop

-- Overheard by b!X