QP theory

Guy #1:
"My lady friend is telling me that I'm never going to get any until I have a nice big bed at home."

Guy #2:
"There might be something to that. I read this book called If the Buddha Dated and I think it talked about us first needing a spiritual nest or something like that."

Guy #1:
"What? So now I'm supposed to believe in Quantum Pussy?"

- MuMu's

-- Overheard by Rich

Clean and sober

Guy #1: "...You gotta clean yo' fingernails up!"

Guy #2: "Mmm-hmm."

Guy #1: "You stop smokin' crack, you clean yo' toes up nice too!"

- SW 4th & Main

-- Overheard by LAB

menage a trois

Guy putting chairs up on tables:

"So, you can't talk your husband into two guys?"

- Mia Gelato

-- Overheard by Rich

imperial purple

Upper management guy, early 50’s, Catholic and clean-cut:

“Is Michael here? He’s supposed to be in this meeting. And he better be wearing purple, cuz Rick and I are.”

- At my desk

-- Overheard by Pezolator

So there were these three Indians on a bus...

Conversation between three older Native American men:

First man: "Yeah, we're all good Indians."

Second man: "All Indians are good Indians."

Third man: "What are you talking about? We're all going to hell. In a handbasket."

First man: "(laughs) No, I'm going to the Spirit!"

Second man: "I'm going to Astoria."

Third man: "Now that's a long way off."

- On the #15 bus heading downtown

-- Overheard by Elizabeth

GPS a bottleblonde

From a bottleblonde on a cell phone in 4" platform/stiletto cork-soled sandals and painted-on jeans, standing on a corner near PSU:

"How do you know I spent 'way too much time' at the Starbucks?

you have a GPS on me?
you have a GPS on me?
you have a GPS on me?
you have a GPS on me?

(pauses for a breath and dramatic effect)

Do you have a GPS up my butt, ha?"

- Overheard by Brandon

Hey, Sailor!

Girl #1:
"It's the Rose Festival, remember? Fleet Week and all that crap."

Girl #2:
"I totally forgot about Fleet Week! We need to take you downtown!"

- Berlin Inn

-- Overheard by SaraFist

Tastes like chicken

Not-so-Hipster Chick (taking a bite of someone's food):
"Oh my god, that chicken is terrible!"

Hipster Chick: "That's because it's tofu."

No-so-Hipster Chick: "Yeah, worst chicken ever."

- Laurelwood in SE

-- Overheard by SaraFist

Put that in the Pre-Nup

Two 20-something blondes:

"I think it's good we called off the wedding."
"Yeah, marriage probably wasn't the best idea."
"I wonder if I would have actually gone through with it."
"Do you seriously think you would have?!?"
"Well, maybe..."
"But he slept with me right after he proposed to you!"
"Yeah, I guess."
"And he went up my ass!"

- University of Portland -- a Catholic university, no less

-- Overheard by Junniper

Day planner

Homeless guy #1 to homeless guy #2:

"My calendar is looking clear that day. How does your's look?"

- Food Front

-- Overheard by Rich

baby-daddy

Girl with Tongue Stud, on cell phone:

"Tell her to go find her baby-daddy and leave us the fuck alone!
No! You tell her to go find her baby-daddy..."

- SE 39th near Hawthorne

-- Overheard by Marianna

Next to the winery that makes wine

Fortyish Tigard woman to male companion:
"Oh, they just opened a new brew pub near my house called 'Fanno Creek Brew Pub' and they even brew beer there!"

- On Max near PGE park, evening of 6/2

-- Overheard by Brian

16 will get you 20

Girl One: "Fuck up, I'm glad you broke it off. I'm sick of his faggety ass!"

Girl Two: "Hey at least my ex was my age, your ex was like 45!"

Girl One: "Hey, he was 43, okay?!"

Girl Three (laughing): "Yeah I'm glad too, he probably has a shriveled dick huh?"

Girl Two (laughing way too loud): "Ha yeah, saggy balls and shit."

Girl One: "No that's a myth."

Girl Two (suddenly very serious): "Oh. Well shit!"


- Walking away from Franklin's high school graduation Wednesday night

-- Overheard by Reid, who writes:
"These were very much high school-aged girls. Oh by the way, included in this group was Girl One's 9-ish year-old sister."

Scabies

Guy to Girlfriend:
"Does this look like scabies to you?"

Random Stranger on bench:
"I don't think you really need to worry about scabies unless you sleep outside all the time."

Guy: "Is scabies like an STD?"

Stranger on bench: "It can be."


- PGE Park Eastbound MAX station, 8:40 AM

-- Overheard by Jen

Death Proof

Group of kindergarteners crossing the street and yelling at a waiting motorist:
"Don't kill us!"

- 24th and NW Thurman

-- Overheard by Rich

Bonding in the concession line

Two friends in line at the concession booth at the Laurelhurst Theater:

"Did you go to the barbecue yesterday?"

"Yeah, but it sucked. I told my girlfriend, everyone of those are the same. There's us there, and then like ten other couples, each with three kids."

A stranger standing in front of them in line turns around, bumps fists with the speaker and said,

"Hells yes."

- Overheard by browse

Sunny side up

Homeless-type man to his friend:
"I want to eat her like a bacon-n-egg sandwich. (pause) She's got nice titties, too."

- On the #12 bus

-- Overheard by hula

head east

Girl #1: "That's why I moved to Oregon. I make $13.27 an hour here!"

Girl #2: "Where did you live before?"

Girl #1: "Beaverton."

- At 820 two nights ago

-- Overheard by lol

At world's end

Stylist imitating a crackhead lady going on and on about her noisy housemate:

"She was clanking around in the bathroom half the night! Then she yelled out that she couldn't see out of her left eye. So I yelled through the door:
'You'll be lucky to see out of either eye after I get a hold of you, bitch!'"

- Bishops

-- Overheard by Rich

putty tat

Loud blonde girl:
"Aww...My vagina's like a little kitten that doesn't realize it's got claws yet!"

- At Shari's

-- Overheard by Justin

You don't say?

Two guys discussing their weekend plans... one says to the other:

"I can bring my cast iron waffle maker. It's cast iron. And it makes waffles."

- Overheard by Sarah & Jason

Schoolyard biology 101

Guy to Girl: "Because urine is sterile and vag juice isn't!"

- Powells

-- Overheard by Ken, who writes:
"I didn't hear any of the context, and somehow, I'm kinda a glad I didn't."

Animal husbandry

Girl giggling and amicably arguing with her friend on her cellphone:

"No, you CAN'T marry a pony!!"

- Off-campus near PSU

-- Overheard by Ashley, who writes:
"I really wish I could've heard the other side of the conversation. It was excellent."

the pile

Stripper: "I slept with this guy and now he won't call me back."

Guy: "Some guys are all about that."

Stripper: "What happened to that girl you used to come in here with?"

Guy: "I put her on the pile of wrecked women."

- Nicolai St Clubhouse

-- Overheard by Rich

Only in PDX

"Do you have a cigarette? All I've got is this fake one I found on the ground. ...No? Well...do you have a light?"

- Waiting for the Max at N. Interstate and Albina

-- Overheard by d.

de-pressed

"Nothing is more infuriating than taking your clothes to get pressed and getting them back with a wrinkle."

- Some guy at Moxie who has a lot of 'first-world problems' and an amazing lack of perspective

-- Overheard by Plumpy

Eeeyukh!

"Go ahead. Try it. It's not bad."

"Eeeyukh! That's the worst thing I ever tasted! Why would anyone want to eat that?"

"That was the tofu hot-dog-like-thing that we're serving."

- Two grillers at the Interstate Ave. New Seasons "Benefit Barbeque" tasting the vegetarian alternative to hot dogs on offer

-- Overheard by Vickie

Vermin Vittles

Gleefully deranged security guard:
"I'm gonna feed this piece of bread to that rat!"

- Parking lot near downtown bar blocks, 10pm-ish

-- Overheard by Jen

Portland's Golden Years

Felony Flats guy:
"I was kickin' ass and takin' names later...you could live like that in the '80s and '90s."

- Red Line Max to City Center

-- Overheard by LAB

We're more about non-violent, creative confrontation

"Oh, this isn't political. I'm with Greenpeace."

- Pioneer Square

-- Overheard by Aaron

Fly babies

Girl #1: "I wonder what would happen to the baby flies if the momma fly died?"

Girl #2: "I don't know... They might die too."

Girl #1: "Awwww."

- Couch Park

-- Overheard by Abigail

Green Economy

Banker to another:
"So I guess you don't want to talk about that giant bag of pot in your briefcase."

- In front of Benson Hotel

-- Overheard by Clickmehard

Shame on you, Mommy!

(Mom grabs blue chapstick)

3-year-old girl: "You need chapstick mommy?"
Mom: "Yup"
Girl: "Why didn't you get the pink one mommy? Don't you like the pink?"
Mom: "No, honey, I don't like pink."
Girl: "Mommy! Pink is for girls, blue is for boys!"
Mom: "I don't like pink."

(Girl puts her hands on her hips while in the shopping cart.)

Girl: "Mommy! You are in big trouble; you said a bad word!"
Mom: "What?"
Girl: "You said you don't like pink! Bad words!"

- Walmart on SE 82nd

-- Overheard by Sarah

No child left behind

Asian kid:
"...And it was fuckin like...(produces frantic crawling motions), and I was fuckin' like...(stabs the air repeatedly)...and then fuckin' like...this fuckin' shit happened and I was like 'holy shit this motherfucker fuckin' knows the Matrix and shit!' Fuck!!"

- At lunch

-- Overheard by Justin

Careful with that tacklebox!

Man 1: "Yeah I fish out on the Mckenzie. Took the poles out last weekend"

Man 2: "You fish with poles? I fish with hand grenades."

- In class

-- Overheard by Justin

Mother's Day

Clerk to man: "Are you looking for a mother's day card?"

Man: "Yeah and I want the one for a dollar fifty."

- Fred Meyer Hollywood

-- Overheard by Alan

Arm Candy Seeks Shallow Hunk

Blond #1 to Blond #2:
"Face it. If either of us wanted to be married, we're not the type who'd have to spend ten years on e-Harmony."

- District

-- Overheard by Rich

You Lookin' At Me?

Man on the MAX to passenger:
"How ya doin' today?"

Passenger: "Good."

Man on the MAX to the passenger:
"I sure wish you'd quit staring at me."

- On an eastbound MAX

-- Overheard by Dyana

Decap

Dad and kids kicking basketballs in the yard; Dad kicks ball uphill and it misses toddler son by inches, blazing over his head.

Mom:
"You’re gonna take his head out with that ball! Oh, wait…here’s another one."

- Carter Park Area, Da Couve

-- Overheard by Johnnie Rx

Well, yeah, duh!

"The world would be a better place if everyone wore pants."

- Garden Home house

-- Overheard by Sarah

Cafe noir

Waiter:
"So what do you like about Portland?"

Customer:
"I like the unique places with character--you know, with some rough edges."

Waiter (drifting away):
"Like my service tonight."

-The Farm Cafe

-- Overheard by Robyn

Beach Blanket Bingo

Three young (20s) gay guys:

#1: "Hey! The ocean called! They are missing an Orca! Get back in the water!"

#2: "Bitch!"

#3: "C*nt!"

- At Sauvie Island on Monday May 7th… early afternoon.

-- Overheard by NoPo Guy

20-20 Hindsight

Waitress (holding up big jar of diet pills):
"Who's are these?"

Bartender:
"Oh. Those belong to name withheld."

Waitress:
"Are you kidding? She has the smallest ass I've ever seen."

- Blitz

-- Overheard by Rich

Wii tennis anyone?

Guy 1: "...no, I means this dude is old school."

Guy 2: "Like how old school?"

Guy 1: "Like so old school he plays tennis!"

- North45

-- Overheard by Brad

Down, Woodrow

Gal: "I'm sorry. My (purse) straps keep sliding off on you."

Guy: "No worries. I think it's kind of sexy."

- District

-- Overheard by Rich

Bada Bing

Guy #1:
"Hey Vito, you're looking pretty sharp in that suit. You out at the galleries tonight?"

Guy #2:
"Fuck that! All these women want to look at art? I got some fuckin' art right here!"

- First Thursday at District

-- Overheard by Rich

habeas corpus

Guy in the room: "We're going to need evidence to make a marketing claim like that."

Guy on the speakerphone: "Evidence is overrated."

Guy in the room: "You sound like George Bush!"

- At the office

-- Overheard by Rich

Short sighted

Guy: "Don't get me wrong, Shakira is really hot. But she's so damn short!"

Girl: "But she's hot."

Guy: "I know, but she'd need stilts to give me head. That's just not acceptable."

- In Beaverton

-- Overheard by Chelsea

Friendly Skies

Old man (to girl with suitcase): "Are you going somewhere exciting?"

Girl with suitcase: "Not really. But when I get there, I'm getting laid."

- On the MAX Red Line to the Airport

-- Overheard by Aaron

Landfill

Guy #1:
"I was reading that there are more people living in garbage dumps outside Mexico City than the populations of a lot of towns in the US."

Guy #2: "Couldn't be any worse than Detroit."

- Blitz

-- Overheard by Rich