the little apple

Little girl to father in central downtown: Are we in New York city right now?

- Overheard by SkyB

Smoking bitches

Scene: Group of three female smokers are outside on a break.

Homeless Man: Smoking bitches, smoking bitches, die smoking bitches, die!

- Downtown at Washington and 5th

-- Overheard by: PDXCABBIE, who writes: He yelled from from the middle of the street. I had to drive around him.

Hemingway

Tall street kid in a trench coat, (loudly speaking into a pay phone):
I'm going to assassinate a bull fighter in Italy! (slams phone receiver down)

Street kid sitting on the side walk (enthusiastically): You do that, Jeff!

Trench coat (yelling): The hairy messiah KNOWS I'm on overload!


- Outside the downtown RiteAid

-- Overheard by Specklet

Ave Maria

Woman: Yeah, you know when I was a kid there was Donnie Osmond. But not like any guy would want to go see Donnie.

Man sitting nearby: I'd go see Marie. Yeah, she's hot.

- Eastbound MAX train, 5:00 rush hour

-- Overheard by Dyana

Oops

Two young guys yelling at each other outside Cedar Hills Crossing in Beaverton.

Guy 1 : So what? I slept with your sister; get over it already!!

Guy 2: Dude, that wasn't my sister that was my MOM!!!


- Overheard by Jim

Saving the Day

(My friends and I walk up to a group of people crowded around a collapsed female streetkid; a male streetkid is kneeling at her side.)

My friend: Is there anything I can do to help? I'm a critical care nurse.

Male streetkid: I know how to keep people breathing! I did heroin for years!

(At this point, we walked away, and heard sirens shortly thereafter.)

- SW 10th & Morrison

-- Overheard by J

I see what you mean

(Woman boards bus with white cane and dark sunglasses)

Woman (to driver): I need to go to *muffled*

Driver: Where?

Woman: Oh nevermind, I'll see it when we get close.

- Overheard on #4 by Aaron

Open road

Driver: I have four days off and I'm going to help my sister-in-law move. It's about a 12 hour drive, but that's OK. It's not like I have to stop every two blocks...

- On the #12 Sandy Bus

-- Overheard by Duffbert

Raging Taqueria Boohoos

Two different men, within minutes of each other, outside Taqueria Los Gorditos on 50th and Division:

Man the First: It's okay, my dad's the sheriff. I am a LOO-OO-OO-OOSER! FUCK YOO-OO-OOU!

Man the Second, to me and companions: Why aren't you kids smoking yet?!

- Overheard by Abner

Comeback

While a girl strums her guitar and sings at Valentine's:

Girl: "Are you listening to this? She sounds just like Lead Belly!"

Guy: "Except Lead Belly played the twelve string."

Girl: "You've worn the same clothes four days in a row."

- Overheard by Joel

blackholes

Father and young son looking at the planetarium schedule

Father: No son, blackholes is not a porno... not here at OMSI.

- At the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry

-- Overheard by Kevin

Too much caffeine

Two girls were walking down Yamhill on Saturday afternoon, and the one of them asked the other:

"Is there such a thing as restless arm syndrome?"

- Overheard by Elizabeth

Sushi Town

Heard after my plane landed in Portland on a flight from Boston:

After male passenger comments he is traveling to Vancouver, Washington on business, a female passenger replies,

"You will LOVE vancouver washington. they have great sushi!"

- Overheard by liz

Welcome mat

Restaurant worker on break: What do you think after a 15 hour shift? All I want to do is to get in bed. What the hell was she sleeping in front of the door for anyway?

- Near Saturday Market

-- Overheard by Steve

wisdom recipe 420

Heard through my kitchen window from the neighbors on their porch:

"Lesson learned- never eat pot brownies on the beach in Florida."


- Overheard by purplespider

babelfish

Exasperated white girl to Japanese friend: Wait, so you're telling me that you speak Japanese, but you don't speak French?!

Japanese friend: [Nods.]

- Hawthorne Fred Meyer

-- Overheard by LAB

but at least I'm a well-read retard

Girl in cat-eye glasses, staring into space: You know what I would love to eat?
Brunette, facetiously: A bear?
Girl in cat-eye glasses, startled: What? Oh, yeah, I'd totally eat a bear!
Brunette: No, you wouldn't!
Girl in cat-eye glasses, earnestly: Yeah, they're supposed to be delicious, especially in the fall when they're all fattened up to hibernate...
Brunette (interrupting): Who do you know that's eaten a bear?
Girl in cat-eye glasses: Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Brunette: You. Are a retard.

- Rose's Deli on NW 23rd

-- Overheard by: I remember that part

Sicko

Co Worker on phone: I've been sick for 30 years, COME ON!

- Overheard by Jim

must use High Karate

Guy on #12 bus: I get more coochie than every man! Thursday! Monday! Tuesday! Saturday! Sunday! Jesus' birthday!

- Overheard by birds fly

secret code?

Girl on cellphone walking down sidewalk:

"Well, I actually caught some dragonflies.."

- Overheard by molly

Hung

At a KMart, walked past a couple of grungy looking young-adult girls, one to the other:

"Dude, I have the gnarliest fucking hangover..."

Couldn't hear the rest, but me and my friends could only try and not laugh.

- Kmart

-- Overheard by Nick

in search of PC derogatories

High school students get on bus in front of the high school.

First student: That was gay, man.

Second student: Yeah, that was so gay.

Bus passenger: Excuse me boys? As a lesbian I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being gay, so you shouldn’t use gay as an insult.

(Students snigger.)

5 minutes later:

First student: Man, that was so homo.

- On the #44 to Portland

-- Overheard by Heather

The high cost of boobs in the face

"And the lapdances are when it gets really expensive!"

- University of Oregon Law School, Eugene

-- Overheard by Tim, who writes: "And this in mixed company...."

WTF?

Late-50s man, on cell phone: His heart stopped. Like it always does.

- Outside of NE Broadway/Lloyd Center US Bank

-- Overheard by Chuck, who writes: "Get that s**t checked out, stat!"

Mind powers

So I was walking downtown on Saturday night, and there were these two girls dressed up for halloween. One was a cat and the other was some sort of devil or something. We were waiting for the crosswalk signal, and when it finally flashed, "Walk," this is what they said:

Cat girl: Oh my god girl, I was just thinking I wish this light would turn and then... it DID!

Devil girl: No WAY. Did you do it with your mind!?

Cat girl: I don't know, but all of a sudden I feel like I can do ANYTHING.

- Downtown

-- Oveheard by Abbi, who writes: "They may have been joking, but they were also OBVIOUSLY intoxicated. I thought it was funny."

he did look Irish

Bouncer: Sir, we’re going to have to cut you off.

Drunk 20-something dressed as a priest: My son, it is a blessing.

- Horror Bollywood at The Fez, Oct 27th

-- Overheard by Kelly

Good effort

Woman to her friend as she gets up and walks away:
You stay black!

Black friend, after a bit of a pause: uh, I'll try!

- Smith Memorial Union 2nd floor lounge

-- Overheard by Sarah, who writes: "I actually pulled my headphones out of my ears to laugh with the women. What a great laugh for the day!"

Sure, sure

Guy on cell phone: "Yeah, I'm at seventh and just getting off the bus."

- #14, at 21st & Hawthorne

-- Overheard by Specklet

Double negative

On Stark Street one night:

Upset Trannie: Please, PLEASE don't tell him I'm not really a girl. {{Screaming}} God, why won't you just give me a damn period!?!

Irritated Trannie's friend: I liked you better on meth, girl.

- Overheard by Jasmine

The adventures of Scorpion Del Monte

Man 1: I’ve only heard that one time before and that was from a guy named Scorpion. Right after he told me about wrecking the forklift at the Del Monte plant.

- At the office

-- Overheard by Jasmine

I used to have that ELP album

While leaving the auditorium, I overheard two women discussing the Dvorak's Symphony #9, "From the New World."

Woman 1: It was sure negative. He just wanted to prove it wasn't American.

Woman 2: Yeah, I liked the "Pictures at a Galleria" one better.

(Referring to a previous "Inside the Score" featuring Mussorgsky's "Pictures at an Exhibition")

- Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall

-- Overhead by Steve, who writes:

"Inside the Score" is a series in which OR Symphony director Karlos Kalmar discusses and demonstrates parts of a classical work, then has the orchestra perform it in its entirety. On Sunday, they did Dvorak's Symphony #9, "From the New World," and the discussion was centered on just how "American" this work is ("not very" is the consensus that most any music student or connoisseur already knows).

Kalmar started out debunking any relationship to jazz, which didn't appear until decades after the symphony was written.

Sitting next to me in the audience was a woman and her two young daughters. (They tittered, talked and whispered through the whole show.) At one point, Kalmar demonstrated a bass line, and the woman says to her girls, quite excitedly, "It's jazz!" She repeated this a few times to make sure everybody around heard it.

I feel the same way, buddy

(People get onto a very crowded bus.)

Driver, enunciating very precisely: Please move... behind... the yellow line.

(There is much shuffling as people squeeze in tighter.)

Driver, at the next stop: I can take... anyone... who is behind... the yellow line.

(More shuffling. Stop request bell rings, driver pulls over at next stop, no one disembarks.)

Driver, quietly, still enunciating: Going once... Going twice...

(Doors shut, stop request bell rings immediately.)

Driver, quietly: Are you sure? Are you positive?

(Bus stops, lady with cane laboriously makes her way down the packed aisle.)

Lady: Excuse me, thank you. Thank you. You guys have a fun day!

Driver, quietly: That... is going... to take... some doing.

- On the bus

-- Overheard by Specklet

Slow downer

Large Tourist: Man, why is the traffic so darn slow?

Bus Driver: We're in Oregon.

Large Tourist: I know what state I'm in, I just can't figure out why...

Bus Driver: The traffic is slow because we're in Oregon, ma'm.

- The 58

-- Overheard by Erich, who writes: "The quote isn't quite as funny as the look the tourist gave the bus driver afterwards, though."

Chicken of the Sea

Old, grimy hobo to girls exiting a club:
"You shouldn't bend over like that when I've got a raging hard-on! Gonna harpoon a tuna."

- The Fez, last Saturday, sometime around 2 am

-- Overheard by Jen

Ron-tonkin-kia, not Korea

Volunteer: You just came here from Korea?

Couple: Noooooo, we just came from Ron-tonkin-kia!!!

- OMSI

-- Overheard by Kevin

do-se-do

Intermission-- In the line to the ladies room opening night of OBT Germanic Lands

Woman to friend exiting ladies room:
"You know I was about to start complaining when those two guys started dancing together."

Woman in line: "Oh Go Home."

- At OBT

-- Overheard by Kirsten

a river runs through it

On the MAX on Saturday afternoon, as we're crossing the Steel Bridge, a teenaged girl asked her friend:

"Is that the Willamette or the Columbia? If it's the Columbia, I've jumped in there before and that shit is cold."

- Overheard by Elizabeth

Der Vegtards

Mom to daughter (who is holding a package of deli sliced Tofurkey):
"No honey, there are no vegetarian Germans."

- Wild Oates

-- Overheard by Jocelyn

and I can still hear her complain

Hispanic man in suit:

"This woman in Mexico? I love her so much I have to kill her."

- Swagat

-- Overheard by Rich

Traditional Marriage

Customer, after getting off his cell phone:
"Don't get married. It's like talking to yourself. But they talk back."

- Great Northwest Bookstore

-- Overheard by b!X

Gone in 60 seconds

#15 bus driver, on snowy morning a couple years back:

"Ok, you folks that aren't used to riding the bus, you need to sit down or grab hold of something, because I know what this bus can do, and I will drive it like it's stolen."

- SE Morrison and about 17th

-- Overheard by: And he got me to work on time!

Unhosed

Highschool student:

"He said something...said something like, 'I'll buy you a ring, I'll buy you a rose, I'll take off your pantyhose.' But the way he rapped it--it was tiiiight. Oh my goodness! It was tight!"

- On 35 Greely bus

-- Overheard by Michael

and then we remembered we left the toaster on

Crazy Hobo with Two Bags of McDonalds:
"Spider Monkeys are hot right now. I protect all the animals! I got 500 gorillas in the underground, I yell "Hey gorillas!" and they come out and we make the money drops, we use a crane to get to the apartment windows. Stacks of bills! Three grand each! I'm the Treasurer! Just go to Powell's on Sunday and say "Todd is in, give me the money!" Stacks!"

- 10th and Morrison

-- Overheard by: LMoney

Have a nice day!

Bus slows, young man gets up from his seat.

Young man, to bus driver: "Have a nice day!:

Older guy: "He ain't gonna let you off till he gets to his stop!"

Young man: "I know, I know, I'm just tellin' him "Have a nice day!'"

Older guy: "Well, just don't be hopping up like that all the time!"

Young man: "Awww, be quiet!"

- On the bus

-- Overheard by Specklet

Take a message

Last week on the #40 bus, evening commute home. Bus is near full. Nobody is talking. Someone's cellphone rings at the back of the bus. Up front, a sort of homeless looking, street musican responds:

"If it's for me, I'm not here!"
Smiles and chuckles on several faces.

- Overheard by Patrick

Cheesehead diet

In a nail salon:

Woman getting manicure and talking on her cell phone at the same time:

"Just do what I did. Eat lots of yogurt and cheese. No roughage. And DON'T tell your mother."

- Overheard by Elizabeth

In your grocer's freezer

Overhead at the Milwaukie Farmers Market, at a vegetable booth, surrounded by display tables full of lettuce, tomatoes, potatoes, bell peppers, carrots, etc.

Little girl: "Daddy, where do they have the actual food?"

- Overheard by T.K. & G

Going to the chapel

Girl #1 to Girl #2:

"We could get a domestic partnership, get the benefits, and then sleep with whomever we want!"

- Laurelthirst

-- Overheard by Rich

Understatement

Woman in purple:
"I can't drink too much anymore. I'm pregnant."

- Plaid Pantry Store #66

-- Overheard by b!X

Go back to Cali

last night, 8:20pm

Guy on his cell phone yells: "I hate Portland!"

- On the corner of Burnside and NW 20th

-- Overheard by The Blankenships