Beware of BOB

Bartender: "You have a boyfriend. BOB. Battery Operated Boyfriend."

- Morrison Street Grill

-- Overheard by b!X

Fromage

Guy: "Once I ate an entire block of cheese for lunch."

Girl: "That's good. How'd you feel afterwards?"

Guy: "Not so good."

- On the #14 bus

-- Overheard by Marianna

Glory Days

Tweaker (rambling): "Back in High School I was on this hockey team in Beaverton and I got to meet the mayor, you know, Mayor Ivancie, the guy before Bud Clark? Anyway they sent our whole team to play a tournament in Japan and I got to meet the Mayor type guy over there."

Guy: "Did you win?"

Tweaker: "Well, I did get on Japanese TV and they came to the house and did a Life in the Day thing."

- Pharmacy Cafe

-- Overheard by Rich

Who broke the copy machine?

Man: "Help I've got glass in my butt!"

- IT department of a local government agency

-- Overheard by a random IT drone

Not one for second dates

Girl: "Incest kind freaks me out. I don't know why though."

A while later:

Girl: "Suicide is sexy. Death is so hot."

- On the Portland Street Car

-- Overheard by cabernet4me

Punxsutawney Pope

Administrative Assistant: "You know how they choose the Pope with those smoke signals?"

Staff member: "Yeah..."

Administrative Assistant: "It's kind of like Groundhog's Day, isn't it?"

Staff member: "Wait, what? The movie or the holiday?"

Administrative Assistant: "Duh, the holiday! What would the movie have to do with the Pope??"

Staff member: "Well, what does the holiday have to do with the Pope?"

Administrative Assistant: "What?"

- University of Portland

-- Overheard by Junniper

Where everybody knows your name

Woman: "Have you ever seen those early episodes of Cheers?"

Man: "Yeah. Those Ted Baxter bits are hilarious."

- Bridgeport Brewery

-- Overheard by Rich

no, they don't

Hipster guy: "No, really. Pittsburgh is about a thousand times cooler than Philadelphia. Everyone knows that."

- SW 4th & Salmon

-- Overheard by SaraFist

Next time, take the Blue Line

Man in red coat with blood running down his face (which we previously saw get punched and kicked by another drunkard causing the blood) says to some frat guys:

"I fu**ed your mom last night, but can't remember where she lives."

[Nervous silence]

Man in red coat: "I'm going to poop in your eye, and then a shark is going to come, and then you will tell people that a shark pooped in your eye."

- Red line Max near Beaverton

-- Overheard by Ashley and Brady

A Regular Yoda

Brunette: "Well why did they decide like that?"

Blonde: "That's just how whoever wanted it to be that way wanted it to be that way."

- Cup & Saucer, Killingsworth

-- Overheard by Junniper

Go back to the Westside

Homeless Guy to Thug: "You are your own rainbow."

Thug: "I ain't no homo, bitch!"

Older Conservative Woman: "Please keep quiet, that's offensive to me."

Thug: "What, 'bitch?'"

Older Conservative Woman: "No, 'homo.'"

- Red Line Max, 82nd Avenue

-- Overheard by Junniper

VPL

Woman:
"I was in Budapest and people would ask, 'Is everyone in America like Dick Cheney?' And I'm like, 'Fuck no!'"

- Oba

-- Overheard by Rich

When you're here, you're Family

Thug (to Thugette): "Where you come from?"

Thugette: "Da Olive Garden."

Thug: "Huh? What's dat?"

Thugette (exasperated): "Da RESTAURANT..."

Thug: "Who go to da Olive Garden?"

Thugette: "Rich white people."

- MAX Blue Line at 122nd, 3/17/07

-- Overheard by Jess & Paul

one over one is not two

Lady: "And what exactly is it about marriage that turns you off so much?"

Man: "See that older couple with the same hair and the same clothes?"

Lady: "Yes?"

Man: "Them."

- Dragonfly

-- Overheard by Rich

ie For Example

Woman #1: "It's Tracie with an 'ie.' Thank you for asking."

Guy: "I used used to date a Stacie with an 'ie.'"

Woman #2: "And do you dot the 'i' with a little heart?"

Guy: "Even today."

- Oba

-- Overheard by Rich

Smoking jacket

Guy #1: "Do you mind if I put my coat on the bar here?"

Guy #2: "No, but the bartender might set it on fire."

- Hubers (Spanish coffee central)

-- Overheard by Rich

Green Teens

Middle-school kid: "It's not my fault all the girls in Beaumont have no hair and look like Chia Pets."

- Bus stop at 41st & Fremont

-- Overheard by Barbara

who the bitch now?

Guy1: "I can't believe it that guy over there sent his little tiny girlfriend through this packed crowd to get a beer!"

Guy2: "Which guy?"

Guy1: "That really big dude over there."

Guy2: "huh."

(pause)

Guy2: "Oh by the way, thanks for getting that last round, bitch."

- Crystal Ballroom, before the 'Bloc Party' set

-- Overheard by Brad

Does she, or doesn't she?

Woman: "Don't I strike you as blond?"

- SoLo

-- Overheard by Rich

You're soaking in it

Woman (rubbing her hands together): "I've got jizz all over me!"

- Outside one of the smelly storefronts near NW 23rd and Irving

-- Overheard by Rich

Pug Study

Kid: "I want to be a pug so I won't have to do homework."

- Chapman school

-- Overheard by Rich

morbid adieu

Guy #1 (while leaving the bar): "I'll see you later."

Guy #2 (still nursing his drink): "Yeah, if i don't die first."

- Speakeasy

-- Overheard by molly

Moto Mary

Bartender: "My girlfriend has this great story about when her friend came to visit from Korea..."

Korean guy (on cell phone): "Come pick me up. I'm at Moto Mary."

Girlfriend: "What? You're at Mary's? The strip club?"

Korean guy: "No! No! Moto Mary! Moto Mary!"

Girlfriend: "I don't get it. Hand the phone to somebody."

Stranger on phone: "What? What's the problem?"

Girlfriend: "I can't understand my friend. Where are you right now?"

Stranger: "Umm, Montgomery Park."

- SoLo

-- Overheard by Rich

Briefing

Guy: "Once you've seen him in his undwear, you want to be just like him."

- Hubers

-- Overheard by Rich

Infinidum

Guy: "I think stupidity is much more interesting than intelligence."

Second guy: "How so?"

Guy: "Intelligence has its limits. As we have seen from the current administration, stupidity is limitless."

- Hubers

-- Overheard by Rich

Which bathroom?

During happy hour, some guy on the phone:

(into the phone): "Where's Joey?"

(to someone at the table): "Where's Joey?"

(back into the phone): "He's in the bathroom trying on a dress."

- Blue Hour

-- Overheard by Bananna Lee Fishbones

Fashion cents

Homeless guy: "Hey man. Can you spare a quarter?"

Business man: "Sure. Here you go."

Homeless guy:
"Thanks."
(calls after him)
"I like your outfit!"

- Downtown

-- Overheard by Rich

Love stuck

Person in Car 1, hesitating in parking lot exit and screaming out window:
"I love you!"

Man in Car 2, behind her:
"I love you more! Now get out of the way!"

- PCC Sylvania parking lot

-- Overheard by Molly

Tech Support

Co-worker (asking over and over):

"What's the error message say?"..... "What's it saying" ......

"Is there are error message?".... "What's the message say?".....

"Right, but what does it say, can you read it to me?" ........

(Long pause... shaking head....)

"OK, I'm trying to read your mind and it's not working."

- Portland area call support center

-- Overheard by Rob

A Fond(ling?) Farewell

One guy saying goodbye to two other guys:
"You guys take care of yourselves in the car."
[pause]
"I didn't mean that like it came out."

- Downtown street corner

-- Overheard by Mike

Point of departure

Man's voice on Internet radio:
"I used to think that if I died in a bad place, my soul wouldn't get to go to heaven."

Another voice (pauses): "Fuck!"

- Anna Banannas

-- Overheard by Rich

Like Cake from Scratch

Guy: "You don't think I would have put all that energy into hitting that shit if she was anywhere near the hot tub."

- Bathroom at Red Star

-- Overheard by plumpy

Pre-spotted

Woman: "What do you think of that gal sitting on the end of the bar?"

Guy: "I dunno. She's making a real statement with that leopard purse."

Woman: "What kind of statement?"

Guy: "It says, 'I have a boyfriend with pierced nipples.'"

- Portland City Grill

-- Overheard by Rich

Tree hugger

Man (sits down next to woman at table):
"What's your name?"

Woman: "Juna."

Man: "That reminds of me of a tree... a beautiful tree."

- Blossoming Lotus (the restaurant inside Yoga in the Pearl)

-- Overheard by Leslie

Movin' on up

Father letting son out of car (a few years ago):

"Oh, and tell your mom that Weezy from 'the Jeffersons' died!"

- In front of real estate office

-- Overheard by Leslie

Gender queue

Guys are waiting in line for a men's restroom.

Man #2: "Oh great, a line. Last time a woman came out and said that she couldn't wait."

Man #1: "I don't think it will be too long."

After a bit, an older woman comes out:
"Sorry I had an emergency."

Man #1 goes in. After a bit Man #1 comes out and says:
"Worst part is that she left the seat down!"

- Downtown restaurant

-- Overheard by Brad

Polystyrenophobia

Man: "Styrofoam... just thinking of it sends chills up and down my spine. Man, I hate that stuff."

- On the Max

-- Overheard by Aaron

Max penalty

Guy: "Sorry ‘bout that incident – I spent too much time in California to be puttin’ up with that…"

Gal: "Where in California?"

Guy: "San Quentin."

- On the Max

-- Overheard by Jeanie

oh god...

Stoned Hippie girl : "The Grateful Dead makes things better; Shakespeare does not!"

- Lewis & Clark College

-- Overheard by LAB

You're as young as the woman you feel

Desperate looking middle aged guy #1: "The woman I'm hanging out with now is much younger than my ex-wife."

Desperate looking middle aged guy #2: "Nice!"

- At the bonfire

-- Overheard by Justin

Line 20 Trimet

#20 bus operator to dispatch:

"Yeah, there are a lot of warning signals on that I've never seen before. Should I be worried?"

- Driving up W. Burnside toward Washington Park

-- Overheard by The Blankenships

Last course

Man in buffet line: "Life is short. Load up on dessert first."

- Swagat

-- Overheard by Rich

Two forms of ID

Guy: "So how can they tell the difference between you folks on the Barfly Bus and us regulars?"

Barfly: "Umm, we're the ones with all our teeth."

- China Village

-- Overheard by Rich

Jurassic position

Woman: "I can't believe my friend pterodactyl-ed me yesterday."

- Stumptown Coffee House

-- Overheard by Jose

Hermit envy

Man: "You can't put a price on solitude."

- Dragonfly

-- Overheard by Rich

Enough snuff

First teen: "My Mom's making me go with the family to see that Crucification of Christ movie. (The Passion of the Christ)

Second teen: "Yeah, mine keeps on about it. She's seen it, like, two times and I'm supposed go with her the next time. I told her I didn't know she was into 'snuff films'!"

First teen (after laughing): "Did she have to google that before getting mad?"

- Outside Benson High School (a couple of years ago)

-- Overheard by Vickie

Thank God for Doppler

Mumbling man (walking in the opposite direction):

"It was the most disgusting sex I've ever had..."

- 21st & Glisan

-- Overheard by Rich

Just put an 'S' on the end of your words

Teenage girl: "Italian is just like, a type of Spanish, right?"

- Downtown

-- Overhead by Seal

Porn Nielsen

Bartender: "So, we're at the party getting really loaded when these guys come in with a couple of 18-year-old chicks and light umbrellas and stuff like that. And then they go in the other room and start making a porn movie!"

Other Bartender: "No way!"

Bartender: "Oh yeah! And so they're in there for a while and then they come out and start partying with us. It gets really late and somebody puts the porn tape on. It's a mixed crowd and we're feeling really uncomfortable and this chick says:

'Hey! Why aren't you watching this? I'm like, totally hot!'"

- 820

-- Overheard by Rich

Relativity

Jennifer writes:

My boyfriend was downtown on his bike (he was working as a courier) and an older, grizzled man, also on a bike, stopped beside him at a red light. They didn't make eye contact, just looked ahead, but after a few seconds the old guy turned and - right before furiously pedaling off - shouted:

"Einstein was a Jew, and he knew it!"

- Downtown