Corporal punishment

Cashier One: Oh, yeah. My dad would grab me by the hair and beat the crap out of me with a wooden spoon.

Cashier Two: Are you serious?

Cashier One: Of course. I deserved it, you know. I think more kids should get beat nowadays. Made me the person I am.

- Deseret Thrift Store on SE 82nd

--Overheard by Zen Angel

Northwest in a nutshell

A hyped young girl is soliciting funds for an environmental group...

Hype girl: Hey do you have a minute to help save woodland furies?

Man: I'm a logger.

Hype Girl: I sure you do it sustainably.

- Outside of Pioneer Place Mall
-- Overheard by Mark

At the Hoth Branch

Female coworker: I should probably stop being mean to you.
Male coworker: You should. Or I'll have to cut you open and sleep in your body like a Ton-Ton.

- In my office
-- Overheard by Nathan

It's everywhere you want to be

Mid-twenties Guy walks into a bar when it opens for breakfast...

Guy: Hey, I need to pick up a credit card for someone that left it here last night.
Bartender: Yeah? Your friend have a little too much too drink and forget their card?
Guy: It was my mom.

- Laurelthirst Public House
-- Overheard by Nacion

Blood on the Tracks

Homeless guy: Hey man, do you like poetry?

Man: No, I even wrote a poem about how much I hate poetry...and I don't have any change.

- Overheard by Anita

Mama Mia

KJ: I love Abba like I love sex.

- During karaoke at Claudia's on Hawthorne
-- Overheard by Samantha

Baby shower

Mom to pregnant daughter: I'm not going to invite them until they act like the adults they act like they think they are.

- Muu-Muu's
-- Overheard by Rich

UnderArmour

Husband, trying to get ready for work: Why did I grab underwear? I can't put that on my feet.

- Overheard by Elizabeth

Take the Cannoli

Woman at Powell's on Hawthorne, wielding a used book.

Woman: I want to return this book. It stinks.

Clerk: You don't like Sarah Vowell?

Woman: No, I don't like the way it smells.

- Overheard by Raymond

Pickup game

1st Girl: Oh look the Blazers are playing at the Rose Quarter tonight.

2nd Girl: Yeah and so is San Antonio.

1st Girl: Oh...I wonder if they're playing each other?

2nd Girl: I don't know...maybe...

- On the #8 bus near the Rose Quarter
-- Overheard by Sarah

Believe in the Power of Work

Woman on cellphone: I'm in Goodwill finding treasures cuz... I THINK I GOT A JOB!

- Overheard by Ry

The patch is for quitters

Woman to her salty waitress: How are you doing with the non-smoking thing?
Salty waitress: I'm on Nicorette.

- Horse Brass Pub
-- Overheard by Matt

Xtreme Fighting

My friend and I overhear a 5 y.o. boy and his mom talking:

Mom: So honey, did he try to break your arm before or after you were strangling him?

- The Schnitz
-- Overheard by Berlliner, who writes: "My friend and I walked inside, looked at each other, and cracked up."

Awesome

I was walking in front of the Crystal Ballroom and two men were changing the letters on the marquee:

Man 1: I hope they don't mind that I spelled awesome without the e (awsome) . We ran out of e's.

Man 2: (emphatically) I care! Its the best word in the english language.

- 13th and burnside.
-- Overheard by John

Ringing

This was on new years day around 1am at the thirsty lion.

Girl 1: so like... where did the word, "ring in the new year," come from?
Girl 2: well... maybe in ancient culture they rang bells because they like... thought it would start another year?
Girl 1: but did they even know what years were back then? like in ancient culture-ish times?
Girl 2: well... yeah. obviously. i mean, the aztecs predicted 9/11... right? so they had to know years.
Girl 3: no dude i think that was nostril anus or something like that.
Girl 1: no shit. well... let's start another year with another shot of Patrón!

- Overheard by Abbi, who writes: "Oh man. I mean, they were completely obliterated. But still... wow."

Bigger in Texas

Girl on phone: No, we have to fly to Dallas then on to Houston. I don't know why. I guess we have to refuel in Dallas so we can make it to Houston.

- PDX Airport
-- Overheard by Jamie

Online Investing

Two friends catching up after an apparent long time apart:

Friend 1: So what are you doing for work these days?
Friend 2: I got into online investing?
Friend 1: Oh woah, nice. What are you investing in exactly?
Friend 2: Um, mostly college basketball. A little NFL. I stay away from the NBA. Too volatile for me.

- Overheard by John

Bloke

Overheard waiting in line for "Slumdog Millionaires" at the Fox Tower Cinema:

Young Man: I like being called a bloke, it makes me feel continental!

Young Woman: I like it when they call me a broad...

-- Overheard by harkman

Lucky elevator

Elevator repairman to Bell staff at swanky downtown hotel:
Well, that should do it. Keep your fingers crossed.

- Submitted by crash

Video of the Week: New Year's Resolutions

Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | More Video Clips

After the pillow fight

One girl to another: Am I gay enough for you?

- Bedroom
-- Submitted by MB on behalf of TW

Sealed

Guy 1: Great white sharks don't eat people, just seals.
Girl: But we look like seals.
pause
Guy 2: I don't feel like I look like a seal...

- Sellwood
-- Overheard by Lauren

Eco-Mall

Woman: I guess the people at Lloyd Center aren't used to people bringing their own shopping bags.

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Plastic bags kill the earth.

- 11th and Holladay

-- Overheard by Michele

Day After Tomorrow

During the first Sunday of the huge snowstorm:

Girl 1: Oh my gosh, it’s all snowy downtown.

Girl 2: Did the river freeze?

- Overheard by Bailey

Thighmaster

A guy is walking down Couch in the Pearl District, talking on his hands-free bluetooth loud enough for the entire street to hear.

Guy: I mean, these chicks were strippers, and they didn't even have ABS! What the FUCK?!?

Kid stories

Guy at a bus stop on Grand, in the deep snow: Give a mouse a cookie, it will summon an ice-queen.

- Overheard by Joe

Monkey business

Boy #1: My monkey kills people!
Boy #2: That's not a nice monkey.
Boy #1: It's the same monkey you have.

- Conestoga School

-- Overheard by Julie

Snowburger

A little girl is walking with her family on SW Broadway downtown.

Little girl: (shoving a handful of snow from the sidewalk in her mouth): MMM! I love eating snow!

Mom: Oh honey, not downtown. That's not a good choice.

- Overheard by Kimberly

Curse of the Bourgeoisie

Early 20s girl: I need to be rich when i grow up, cuz i'm such a slob. I will have to be able to afford a maid to clean for me. I am not going to be stuck cleaning my mansion every weekend.

- Overheard by SmB

Freak of Nature

While watching TV...

Girl 1: Look at that cow! Or horse...or...what the fuck is that?
Girl 2: A donkey.

- In Sellwood

-- Overheard by Lauren

Video of the Week: Shoe Toss Uncensored Footage

While this is funny and all, I think we really ought to be throwing the Book at torture-monger Dick Cheney.

Canooks

Portland Winter Hawks vs. Medicine Hat (Alberta) Tigers, nearly two minutes into the final period of play, overheard from a group of teenage males in section 68:

"Medicine Hat... must be from Canada."

- Overheard by Steve

KFC

At KFC a very large woman was in front of my sister in line. She orders a large bucket of chicken.

Guy at the counter: Is that for here or to go?

Woman: Bas'cuse me muthafucka?! You think I can eat a whole bucket of chicken by myself?!

Guy at the counter: Bitch I don't know your life!

- Overheard by Hannah

Video of the Week: Tradeshow Magic

In this video, my friend Scott Tokar shows us some marketing magic at the SC08 conference. In case you're wondering, setting up this kind of fun stuff is my day job.

Kitty Castration

My coworker, on her cell phone: So, I can take my kitty to you now, right? You'll cut his nuts off?

- Overheard by Elizabeth

The High Price of Gelato

Woman: So, what do think? Is going to the frozen yogurt place too much of a girl thing?

Bartender: Well yeah, but gay men like it too. I mean, as long as you let your boyfriend talk baseball or something afterwards.

Woman: Would a trip to the strip joint make up for it?

Boyfriend: Awesome, dude! We're going to Sassy's!

- Muu-Muu's
-- Overheard by Rich

Cinnabonfire of the Vanities

Overweight woman pushing her sleeping infant in a stroller and talking to herself so that everyone around her can hear:

Mommy's been working really hard today... I think she deserves a Cinnabon.

-Washington Square Mall

-- Overheard by Michael

Video of the Week: Sooner or Later

I love SCI-FI short films like this one.

At the end of World War II the Nazis build a time machine. This technology would enable them to snatch victory. However, nobody knows what will really happen if they succeed.

Quickie Mart

Customer: Man it's cold this morning.

Clerk: Yup. This is the time of year when people start leaving their gloves, purses, and kids behind.

Customer: Kids?

Clerk: Oh yeah. This lady comes in here last week with kids, takes three of them across the street to daycare, but she friggin forgets the littlest one here. She comes running in five minutes later in a panic: "Oh my god, have you seen my kid?" Yeah, I tell her, she's right here behind the counter.

- Thurman Market
-- Overheard by Rich

"Some of my best friends are gay."

Male customer addressing woman behind the counter, and for whatever reason he's just discovered that she works with her partner.

Man: So she's your husband, or... life partner?
Woman: We have kids together and grandkids.
Man: OK, so she's the man and you're the girl?
Woman, somewhat flabbergasted: I'm a girl, yes.
Man: That makes sense, then. You're subtle, because you're the girl. She's out and loud because she's the man.
Woman, smirking: Sure. She makes the money and I spend it.
Man: That's the way it should be.

- Overheard by Dave in Beaverton

Only in Portland

One student to another (about an orange): Is it organic or conventional?

- at PSU

-- Overheard by Marianna

Make things right

Guy: I got to go piss blood. Then things will be halfway right with the world.

- Muu-Muu's

-- Overheard by Rich

Fat cat

Girl #1: I looove cats now.
Girl #2: (makes face)
Girl #3: You don't like cats?
Girl #2: Well I do...but only if they're fat or mean.

- Morrison Hotel Bar
-- Overheard by Lauren

Trimeth

Homeless guy #1: Dude, what the hell, why are you addicted to meth!? I mean, meth sucks!

Homeless guy #2 (hangs his head down): I don't know.

Homeless guy #3: Meth is kinda fun.

- 12th and Washington
-- Overheard by John

Sign of the times

From a co-worker having computer trouble: I don’t know what I did wrong, but it worked.

- Overheard by April

close enough for government work

Guy #1: Yeah my dad's a stock broker.
Guy #2: Your dad's a stock broker?
Guy #1: Well not a stock broker, but he buys stock for himself.

- Overheard on the streetcar by Molly

Video of the Week: Wish You Were Here

I lost some of my heros this year. In 2008, the world lost even more.

In order of appearance:
Isaac Hayes
Richard Wright
Jake LaMotta
Dick Martin
George Carlin
Steve Fossett
Eugene Upshaw
Alexander Solzhenitsyn
Richard Widmark
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi
Eli Wallach
David Groh
Harvey Korman
Bo Diddley
Dith Pran (as portrayed by the late actor Haing S. Ngor in The Killing Fields)
Sydney Pollack
Bobby Murcer
William F. Buckley Jr.
Bernie Mac
Tim Russert
Roy Scheider
Charleton Heston
Arthur C. Clarke
J. D. Salinger (reported dead, but still kicking)
Heath Ledger
Paul Newman

No Po Ho

Girl on cell phone: Did you just call me a jet-setting whore? I'm in Portland for Pete's sake.

- Waiting to deplane at PDX

-- Overheard by Gwen

mmmmmm…donuts!

Man On Cellphone: I'm getting a big beer and a bunch of donuts. Yeah, I know it's not a good hobby, but I figured I'd just go home and get fat.

-At the Oak Grove Fred Meyer u-scan
--Lachwen

Shower power

Conversation on a plane between two business women headed down to San Jose:

Woman 1: Did you get So-and-so a shower gift yet?

Woman 2: No, but I know she is registered at Babies-R-Us. I really hate it when my pregnant friends register at Babies-R-Us. I wish they’d register at Target. It’s just so much more convenient for me.