Express Mail

One bicyclist to another: Yeah, but would you TRUST a homing pigeon?

- In the Alberta area
-- Overheard by Raevyn

Academics

Real phone conversation from a weird looking dude:
Guess what, your test is coming up in 2 days, and it will be 20% of your grade, I guess you're screwed. I am 39 years old, and you're 23. I'm all the way over this side of town, and you want me to head over to your house and help you with your test. Once I get there, we will be doing anything but studying. Your mother is 3 years older than I, and I'm doing this for her as a favor (really?). When I'm there, your mother is there too, she's going to think I'm a child molester!

- Right outside SuperDog’s Park store
-- Overheard by Ellen

Simply ageless

Dad: That canvasser gave me the creeps. He had a lot of makeup on.

Kid: How come guys don't wear makeup?

Dad: We don't care what we look like.

- NW Trader Joes
-- Overheard by Rich

Wheelchair zone

Guy on his cell phone repeating a conversation he had with someone else: He was like, no I'm not dating her. I'm married, but its ok since my wife is handicapped.

- Westbound Blue Line MAX
-- Overheard by Brian

Crisscross

Homeless-smelling dude who always just talks and talks on the bus to no one in particular: Are you a Christopher Cross fan? You look like a Christopher Cross fan.

- #12 bus headed downtown
-- Overheard by Eric

Cranky

Kid (to waitress): Are you cranky today?

- Stepping Stone
-- Overheard by Rich

Don't stop till you get enough

Woman 1: Why did Michael Jackson have to die? There's so many other people out there that coulda died!

Woman 2: Michael Jackson had to die cause he had a prescription drug addiction, and God don't like that.

- PCC
-- Overheard by Erin

Sharing

Woman: (crying)

Man: Would you stop crying so I can fucking share.

- After a Timbers game
-- Overheard by Ellie

Religious restrictions

Woman: Hey! You took your arm off my shoulders again!
Man: I'm sorry! I'm catholic...

- Overheard by Cecilia

bag

Gal: You had me at "Bag of dicks."

- Muu Muu's
-- Overheard by Rich

The Man Show

Guy: You know that woman's book "Eat, Pray, Love?" I'm writing a book about my own journey and I'm calling it: "Drink, Whore, Nap."

- PDX airport
-- Overheard by Rich

Is that so much to ask?

Overheard at Kenton post office when Ace of Base's "All That She Wants" started playing behind two Boomer-aged male employees:

USPS Guy 1: All that she wants is another baby, Ken...

- Overheard by Jeff

real Starbucks?

At a Starbucks inside a Safeway at SE 122nd and Glisan....

"Are you sure this is a real Starbucks? They don't even have CDs."

- Overheard by Christopher

Too much time to think

Two teenagers talking in a yard:

Teenager 1: What do you think a parakeet would look like in a snowstorm?
Teenager 2: I don't know...angry and confused?

- Overheard by Victoria

Day at the races

"Catherine the Great got fucked by a horse and SHE turned out okay!"

- NE PDX
-- Overheard by Meredith

Gummi Job

Little old lady (to teenager): Well the white Gummi Bears are better for sex anyway...

- Doctor's office waiting room
-- Overheard by Matt, who writes: "I wish I could have heard the rest of the conversation, before and after."

Randomness

Two women walking: What does Patrick Swayze have to do with the price of tea in China?

- 9th & Lloyd NE May 6, 2010 @ 3:45 p.m.
-- Overheard by Paulette

The right idea

Kid pushing shopping cart, yields politely to senior citizen.

Kid: Old people first!

- Fred Meyer on Burnside
-- Overheard by Rich

When Kids don't watch TV

Cycling past three youngsters climbing around on a porch. Saturday afternoon, near SE Trader Joe's:

Boy: Hey! Let's go ask people if they're hobos!

- Overheard by Broadside Johnnie

She's sleeping in

Woman: This pink lemonade isn't very strong.

Bartender: Oh, it's plenty strong. It's that tart flavor that makes it kind of sneaky.

Woman: No. I mean it needs more alcohol.

Bartender: Perhaps you have a drinking problem.

- Muu-Muu's
-- Overheard by Rich

Parts is parts

Woman to friend: She had an extra liver.... I mean, an extra kidney.

- Outside cafe on Clinton Street
-- Overheard by Kristen

Fiddles and beer

Homeless guy to his buddys: There's a difference between a violin and a fiddle; you can't spill a beer in a violin.

- SW 6th and Yamhill
-- Overheard by Rich

Blood-borne diseases? Please!

Two women who don't know each other.

Woman 1: (looking at the Woman 2's nose peircing) Did you do that yourself?
Woman 2: Yeah (goes on to explain how it's painless, and she's done it for family)
Woman 1: Could you do mine?
Woman 2: Sure!
Woman 1: What's your number?
Woman 2: (shouts number while getting off bus)

- #4 bus
-- Overheard by Tabitha

This might burn a little

Customer: How hot is your mild?
Thai Cart Owner: Medium spicy.
Customer: Ok, I'd like mine medium-hot.

- At the 4th and Alder food carts
-- Overheard by John

Dog stare

My dog and another dog met, sniffed, and then the other dog got a bit growly.

Woman to small dog who was growling at my dog: I know you don't like a direct stare, but you can always break it...

- Submitted by Erin

Birthday

Location: Summerlake Park, Family of three walking through park

Dad to little girl: Bethany! We should have your birthday here this year!
Mom, quietly to Dad: I thought we weren’t doing a birthday this year.

- Overheard by Kyle

Oddly amusing

Two guys smoking: That dude is a hardcore Facebooker.

- At Buffalo Gap
-- Overheare by Eric

Mastication Imagination

Loud, Drunk Guy talking to friend: I love mahi-mahi. I've been breaking down fish since I was 7 years old. Really, over the years, I've broken down just about every type of animal on the planet. ...except a human...if you think about it though, humans don't taste very good; that's why sharks spit us out. Babies, however, are delicious. [awkward pause throughout the bus] ....I'd imagine.


- On the late night #14, by 50th & Powell
-- Overheard by Ansel

Foot rapist

"He didn't RAPE her or anything, he just took her socks off while she slept 'cos he has a foot fetish!"

- Outside In clinic
-- Overheard by Nicole

American Idol

Apparently-scandalized dishwasher, to badly-singing cook: There are people out there eating!

- Utopia Cafe
-- Overheard by the woman at the counter

Library

Man apologizing for his public arrest, occurring the previous week at the same library: Being drunk does nobody no good. At least, being drunk in the library does nobody no good.

- NW Library
-- Overheard by Emily

Guy:Not only is she hot, she likes
Stargate and shit!

- Muu Muu's
-- Overheard by Rich

Fur

Jewish chick: That's the best thing about being a Jew, though. You get all the best fur when someone dies.

- At bar in SW Portland
-- Overheard by Alex

Money shot

After a father takes a picture of his 8 year old son and 6 year old daughter,

Mother: Was that the money shot?
Father: Yep, that was the money shot.


- Portland International Airport
-- Overheard by Hotsoupwoman

When in Rome

Woman, to her friend: He never wears pants, unless other people are wearing pants; then he will wear pants.

- Walgreens
-- Overheard by Broadside Johnnie

Rapper

Girl on cellphone: My biggest problem is that when I hang out with rappers, and I start drinking, I start rapping.

- PSU
-- Overheard by Tom

Bad Cook

Little girl to mom who was looking at a cookbook: God is a bad God because he makes bad food.

- Borders
-- Overheard by Fatema

Chocolate

"Anyone want a chocolate pussy?" said a guy holding one up. He had an immediate taker.

- PSU's Food for Thought Cafe
-- Overheard by Emily

Unseemly shuffleboard

By the shuffleboard table in the Broadway Brewery:

Old guy: You guys want to buy me a beer before I go home?
Young guys playing shuffleboard: Nope. Not at all. Have a good night."
Old guy: Shuffleboard, eh? Shuffle it up your ASS!

- Overheard by Eric

Whole grain goodness

At Saturday market on Sunday, a larger woman is walking by the food vendors, presumably looking for something to eat:

Woman: Ooh quesadillas! Wait, whole grain tortilla? Oh hell no!

- Overheard by Tracy

Show her you'd do it all over again

This one happened just tonight at Outback Steakhouse on 82nd. A table of five gentlemen in their 60's (?) were talking quite loudly.

Man 1: His ex was calling her over & over, telling her not to marry him, don't do it, it will ruin your life.

Man 2: That happened to a buddy of mine in Reno. He killed himself to get away from it.

Man 3: Oh, yeah! Him.

Man 2: He stepped in front of a bus.

- Overheard by Zen Angel

Packed

".... And they're packed in there so tight, we have cut them apart with scissors to keep them from mating."

- At the CCC
-- Overheard by a number of curious bike cleaners

Beer breath

Cycling past a trio of college-aged gals walking on the sidewalk: ... and they didn't have that beer breath, y'know, like boys get.

- SE Stark & 18th
-- Overheard by Broadside Johnnie

Army of One

"As soon as I get off probation, I'm going back to the army."

- On the #8 Bus
-- Overheard by Daniel

Bridesmaid

Intoxicated woman on cellphone: You're gonna be my first or second bridesmaid, so don't let me get married. When they ask if anyone has any objections speak up, because I'll probably be drunk.

- Inner SE Bar
-- Overheard by Daniel

Can relate

Man to woman: We can relate, I mean, you're not a black lesbian and you get along.

- Lloyd Center Cafe
-- Overheard by Heidi

We try harder

One guy to another: I never drink and drive in a rental car.

- Vancouver Safeway
-- Overheard by Tina

Hands full

Girl to guy friend: So you had to hold onto your wallet and your keys--and protect your junk!

- MAX stop
-- Overheard by Deborah

The hat

Man on Cellphone: ...and he was completely naked! Well, I can't say that because he was wearing a cowboy hat; but he was totally naked.

- Near Chinatown
-- Overheard by Joanna and Connor

Accessories

Girl at table to friends: A wheelchair is basically an accessory these days...like cellphones

Guy from another table to his friends: Did you hear what that girl said? That wheelchairs are accessories?


Guy to girl: Did you just say that wheelchairs are like an accessory? High five!

- Overheard by Shawna