Not how you want to start your day

From one bicyclist to another:
"...I rode through a pile of human shit this morning downtown..."

- Overheard on my front porch as they were riding past

-- Overheard by Pam

Drunk girls

Drunk girl #1: "We should do some opium, it makes you smart and shit."

Drunk girl #2: "I'm down."

- La Costita Restaurant

-- Overhead by Esther

So, Is It Fried?

Southern Accent Man:
"Ain't nobody eat no fruit in the south, its all fried, double fried and doublefuck fried."

- The Basement Pub

-- Overheard by b!X

Singular mission

"Your only job today is to make sure at lunchtime that I get some shrimp."

- At Southwest WA Medical Center

-- Overheard by Aaron

Keep Portland Weird and Eternally Damned

Well-churched lady talking to her husband gossiping about various people and mentioning "burning in the lakes of fire" ... with obvious disdain mentions Portland:
"I heard in that in Portland they have bumper stickers that say: Don't change us - we're strange ...?"

- Reno Airport

-- Overheard by Mike

Face it

Gal:
"Umm, sorry about that."

Guy:
"Geez, I usually have pay for boobs in the face!"

- Bar Fly Bus

-- Overheard by Rich

Max dementia

On a MAX in transit between Old Town and Lloyd Center:

A shrieking man gets on in Old Town:

(Insert Joan Rivers voice here) "Oh Oh Oh Oh Gawd I almost had a heart attack. Oh Oh Oh Gawd. Oh Oh Oh."

The wild-eyed transient sitting across from me:

"Something's wrong with that guy. He must have smoked too much. Must have a hole in his lung. Oh Oh he sounds like Santa Claus."

"He'd better not have a heart attack here. We'll throw him in the Willamette. Man that guy's messed up."

Gazing out towards the river he says to no one in particular:

"Hey, whatever happened to The River Queen? That was a nice place. What happened to The River Queen? I liked that place. Hey, whatever happened to Farrell's? What happened to Farrell's? This is ice cream weather. What happened to Farrell's? They could have sold it to me. I would have bought it. What happened to The River Queen?"

From the back of the train, the man having the heart attack cries out:

"We are living in a material world and I am a Material Girl. "

- Eastbound MAX train 2:30pm, August 23

-- Overheard by Dyana

Redneck mother

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Boob envy

Fifty-something woman standing outside an office building, smoking a cigarette, to me as I walked by:

"You look lovely, my dear. I wish I had boobs. Boy, I just said that out loud, didn't I?"

- Overheard by Elizabeth

Bag boy

Said by a thick-rimmed-glasses-wearing, homely, pubescent boy gathering up grocery carts outside Fred Meyer to a work associate:

"... but my face is too well known around here. If I did have to take someone down tho, they wouldn't be getting up any time soon. I'd go for the windpipe first..."

- Overheard by Bpaul

Somewhere inside a strange nexus of wtf?

Guy: "That night, I learned that erectile dysfunction can be caused by remorse."

Not 2 minutes later....

Another Guy: "DIDN'T I HAVE A PIZZA LAST NIGHT MUTHAFUCKAH?! DIDN'T I?!"

- 7-11 quickie mart

-- Overheard by Justin

You go, girl!

[immediately after having a very vocal orgasm] Two guys:
"Woo hooooooo! Yeah! You go, girl! Damn!"

- Outside my window

-- Overheard by Specklet

Hallmark of Postminimalism

"It's the perfect bachelor pad. I don't have any furniture in there."

- On the Max

-- Overheard by Aaron

Offspring

Middle-aged man:
"I made the mistake of letting my grandkids come over Saturday. They are nothing but little virus factories."

- On the 36 South Shore bus through Lake Oswego

-- Overhear by Micah

Final Destination

Man: "How far are we going?"

Woman: "To the end, to the end."

- Portland Street Car

-- Overheard by paul

Feel the burn

On SE Belmont near Zupan's 30 something couple walking dogs while having the following 'heated' conversation:

He: ". . .well sex is exercise."

She: "Actually, no it's not, I've googled it, it doesn't really count."

He: "It is too, it gets your heart rate up. You just need to stay on it."

"Feel the burn."

- Overheard by Barb

And your mother

Man yelling very loudly:
"Well, fuuuuuuuck you! [long pause] AND your mother!"

- Outside my window

-- Overheard by Specklet

I Heart Portland

"I love Portland because of the hippies and meth."

- Scoreboard Tavern

-- Overheard by Kai

From both sides now

Mentally ill woman (yelling):
"How much more can a person take? I'm had vomit and diarrhea coming out of me every day since June 7th."

- Pharmacy department at Rite Aid on Lombard and Denver

-- Overheard by JBJ

R E S P E C T

Mentally-Ill Woman, To No One:
"I don't want your respect, bitch. I just want your death."

- Floyd's Coffee Shop

-- Overheard by b!X

What? No Ordnance?

Kid:
"Dad, these airplanes are boring. When are they going to drop some bombs?"

- Hillsboro Air Show

-- Overheard by Rich

Big Love

Woman:
"We hate each other. We call each other names. We've alienated our fucking neighbors. And I've already hit him in the face a couple of times."

- Anna Banannas

-- Overheard by Rich

Flat fee

Woman:
"I'm like, OK, I'll cancel my breast augmentation appointment, bitch!"

- Anna Bannanas

-- Overheard by Rich

hobby HO

Woman who bummed a ride after locking her keys in her car:
"I'm going to get a room, smoke some coke, and masturbate all afternoon."

Horrified driver:
"Ahh, yeah. Everbody needs a hobby."

- MLK Blvd

-- Overheard by Good Sam

Scenes from a marriage

Woman on cell:
"And I said 'blah blah blah' and he said 'blah blah blah blah blah' and then I said 'blah blah blah blah blah.'"

Overheard by sue

Bo po po po po!

Dad: "Whatcha got there? A stick? ... NO!"

Mom: "No no no no no no!"

Dad: "We don't do that with sticks."

Tiny kid: "Ohhhh bo po po po po!"

- Outside my window

-- Overheard by Specklet

Roots Rock Reggae

Guy in the street:
"What you know about reggae music? What you know about reggae music? WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT REGGAE MUSIC? Throw me some beats and I'll show you some moves!"

- Outside my fucking window at 12:30 a.m.

-- Overheard by LAB

Oppression is oppression

Very, VERY drunk black guy who's being taken away by security after drinking from one of the overpour buckets:

"These motherfuckers are brewing some oppression up in here!!"

- Brewfest

-- Overheard by Jay

Pounds melt off with every sip

Big woman sporting a muffin top, sloppily eating a Bratwurst:

"Are there any light beers being featured this year?"

- Brewfest

-- Overheard by Jay

Pottymouth

Little girl in a stroller about 2 1/2, speaking to caretaker:
"Shut the fuck up."

Caretaker (laughing a bit):
"Hey. I love you"

Little girl:
"Shut the fuck up, shut the FUCK up, shut the FUCK up." (laughing)

Caretaker (to horrified passengers):
"Oh, ha ha she learned that in daycare. We just ignore it. "

Little girl (leaning over in stroller and spitting several times on the floor):
"Shut the FUCK up. Shut the FUCK up, Shut the FUCK up". (Spits on the floor a few more times before continuing her mantra.)

Caretaker: (Calling the father of this child on her cell phone):
"Yeah, she's saying shut the "F" up, you know, in that cute little voice of hers."

- Eastbound MAX on way home from work 7/25/07

-- Overheard by Dyana, who writes:
(At this point, I am waiting for the girl's head to rotate 360, and for her to puke pea soup.)

Borrowing cloth

Woman (to friend):
"Why'd you tell Grandma I'm wearing her underwear?!"

- In the middle of the street in front of my old house

-- Overheard by el diablo

If this van's a rockin'

"I don't want a rape van; I want a shaggin' wagon."

- In the parking lot behind the 24-hour coffee shop on Powell

-- Overheard by Elizabeth

Ties

In line in the section 105 mens room of PGE Park last night, the Timbers having just finished a 0-0 game:

Guy at the top of the line: "Man, I hate ties."

*pause*

Second Guy in front of me looks around: "Who's wearing a tie?"

Me: "Draws. He hates draws."

Second guy: "Oooohhhh."

- Overheard by Ryan

Do that to me one more time

Young woman standing facing the streetcar doors, talking on her cell phone, oblivious to the rest of the riders:

"Oh yeah? I'll beat you up ... Yes, just like last night ... Oh, you liked that, did you?"

- Portland streetcar, Thursday morning

-- Overheard by Paul

The Preacher from Poltergeist?

Standing on the corner smoking, and this guy walks up stops in front of me and in a very monotone soft voice says:

HIM:
"You are in a good place. You are right where you are supposed to be. May the light be with you."

ME: "Thank you."
(Thinking he'd be on his way. He takes a few steps, turns back around steps closer to me.)

HIM:
"God wanted me to talk to you more. He wanted me to tell you that he expects to see you on Sunday."

ME: "Yeah?"

HIM:
"He said yes, He expects to see you at 4397(?) NW Couch St."

ME: "Great sounds like a plan!"

HIM:
"Great I expect to see you there."

- Overheard by Amanda (Creeped out now)

Supersize me!

A girl around 10 years old and a friend are picking out candy with a mom.

Mom (to daughter's friend):
"I didn't know you liked candy so much!"

Friend:
"I do, but I like salty things more. Give me a bag of Doritos, which I never get, but I would eat the whole thing!"

Mom:
"You never get Doritos? How is your dad raising you?! No TV, no junk food? I think I'll have to call Child Services, that HAS to be child abuse."

- Walgreen's on N. Lombard

-- Overheard by gewurzgrrl

Bunny Butt

Girl in wheelchair to companion re: odd statue at OHSU:

"Look at the bunny with butt cheeks! Look at the bunny with butt cheeks! ...I think it represents beastiality."

- OHSU

-- Overheard by Marianna

Seven years bad luck

Woman #1: "Why are you walking in the street?"

Woman #2: "I'm superstitious about walking under a ladder."

Woman #2: "Would you step on a crack?"

Woman #1: "No. But I did break a mirror over my head when I was eight."

- Green Room

-- Overheard by Rich

Mental Image

Kind of sketchy-looking guy yelling into a cell phone, downtown:

"Well, I'm going to be there, and when I get out of the shower, I will be NAKED!"

- Downtown

-- Overheard by Rosengrants

YOU! Out of the gene pool!

A 20-something couple takes advantage of a break in traffic to cross against the light on NW 23rd in front of the stopped bus. The driver casually admonishes:
"No jay walking in front of the bus."

They each give a friendly "sorry" as they pay the fare. Then the woman conversationally asks the driver:
"So, how does it work- the crosswalk?"

- On the 17

-- Overheard by April

For the man who has everything

(someone yelling):
"I brought you peanuts and toilet paper as a peace offering and what did you bring me? Nothing! You brought me nothing! What does that say about our relationship?"

- Coming out of a 2nd floor window near 18th & Salmon

-- Overheard by Michael

Substance in the way

Woman: "You know, I wish I was more superficial."

- Orenco Station

-- Overheard by Rich

Green around the gills

Bra-less woman in a too-tight pink polo shirt (to her boyfriend):
"I asked Karl what his new girlfriend looked like, and he didn't even hesitate, he just said, 'Shrek'!"

- On the #6 bus downtown

-- Overheard by Stephanie

Jail bait

"The only friend I have on my myspace page so far is that guy who got busted for statutory rape."

- Elevator of Eliot Tower

-- Overheard by Rob, who blogged about it here

decisions, decisions

Tweaker to no one in particular:
"Which is better, Old Country Buffet or Izzys? It's so hard to choose. I just wanna get stuffed."

- Front of the #15 Belmont

-- Overheard by SaraFist

Whoa

Two former army guys talking in statistics:

"It goes through the wall and then blows up."
"...so it's penetration, then explosion."

- Somewhere in Portland

-- Overheard by Ryan

Law and Order

Yelling Man:
"Don't try to pick my pocket! I'm in the FBI! I have a badge! I know the Constitution! I COULD KILL YOU!"

- Across from Hal's Tavern

-- Overheard by b!X

Gay, maybe?

Heavyset, sweet looking "Mom", mid-50's, wearing subtle "Support Our Troops" outfit: white capri pants, red sandals, and a blue & white striped shirt; getting hot pink Betty Boop fabric cut at the counter...

Fabric Depot Employee (cutting fabric):
"Oh, that Betty Boop fabric is really cute...it could go with anything, with the black and white in it..."

Mom:
"I know, isn't is great? I am going to put it in a quilt for my son...he's been collecting Betty Boop stuff for years..."

- Fabric Depot on SE 122nd & SE Stark, Sunday afternoon (after church)

-- Overheard by Jayne

Here's Lucy

"Wow, if Lucille Ball was born in 1911 she'd be like over 100 years old by now."

- Overheard by Brent while playing Beyond Balderdash at his house

book worm

Title: "At least it doesn't freeze like syphilis"

Mid-thirties reader: "It burns... it burns like chlamydia."

-Barnes and Noble

-- Overheard by head stuck in a book