Suction him

Leaving the ER, there are two women in scrubs walking towards me.

Woman 1: So I said someone better get in there and suction him before he dies...

Woman 2: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Woman 1: ... because I sure ain't gonna do it!

- Local hospital

Video: The Dream of the 90's is Alive in Portland

It has been really quiet here, so I thought our readers might enjoy this video. Happy Holidays!

AARP Porn

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Jigsaw Falling Into Place

Sorry to interrupt whatever it is that normally happens here, but last night I got lectured that I'm not putting enough of my stuff out there.

This past Spring, the folks over at Aniboom hosted a contest where writers and animators could submit storyboards set to songs from Radiohead's new album In Rainbows. I think it's still going on, but the band will judge the contest and the winner gets $10K to produce a music video.

So here is my entry. It didn't make the finals, but it did inspire me to do a film script that I think has some legs.

Cheers,

-Rich

Flight of the Conchords

You know, Flight of the Conchords - it's like Glee for hipsters.

- In my office
- Overheard by Emma

Virgin ghost

Girl to her friends: Oh my god, if I died right now I would come back and haunt you until I wasn't a virgin anymore!

- Overheard by Zira

Sammich Newbie

Food Cart Browser: Are Reubens vegetarian?

- Outside of Pastrami on Rye
-- Overheard by Dave

That Sam Adams

Bitter old man: So they told you no more plastic bags?
Checker: No, I just came in one day and they were gone.
Bitter old man: That Sam Adams, (grumble chuckle grumble)
Checker: Actually, Fred Meyer decided on their own to stop using plastic bags.

Bitter old man: Well, you know, that Sam Adams, (grumble chuckle grumble)

- West Hollywood Fred Meyer
-- Overheard by Alex

California Dreaming

Douche Bag #1: How many strips clubs have you been to in California?
Douche Bag #2: I dunno, 4 or 5.
Douche Bag#1: And were the strippers hot?
Douche Bag #2: Most of them.
Douche Bag #1: Well prepare yourself, 'cause here the girls are WAY worse.

- Waiting for a bus on the corner of SW Burnside and 6th
-- Overheard by "T"

Delivery room

Unseen woman in stall 1: I mean, if you're going to have a baby in a public bathroom, at least take it with you when you leave.

Unseen woman in stall 2: Right!

- Sweet Tomatoes restaurant bathroom (Clackamas)
-- Overheard by Jill

Antifast

A Hipster gal riding her bike sans helmet, while smoking a cigarette, says to her friend, about Burgerville: ...An antifast food fast food place.

You're in the right city, guys

Man to woman, sitting in the sun on the bar's patio drinking a beer: Just think -- if we lived in San Diego, we could do this every day.
Woman: If we had a baby sitter.
Man: And if we liked the sun.

- At the Moon and Sixpence
-- Overheard by Leila

Express Mail

One bicyclist to another: Yeah, but would you TRUST a homing pigeon?

- In the Alberta area
-- Overheard by Raevyn

Academics

Real phone conversation from a weird looking dude:
Guess what, your test is coming up in 2 days, and it will be 20% of your grade, I guess you're screwed. I am 39 years old, and you're 23. I'm all the way over this side of town, and you want me to head over to your house and help you with your test. Once I get there, we will be doing anything but studying. Your mother is 3 years older than I, and I'm doing this for her as a favor (really?). When I'm there, your mother is there too, she's going to think I'm a child molester!

- Right outside SuperDog’s Park store
-- Overheard by Ellen

Simply ageless

Dad: That canvasser gave me the creeps. He had a lot of makeup on.

Kid: How come guys don't wear makeup?

Dad: We don't care what we look like.

- NW Trader Joes
-- Overheard by Rich

Wheelchair zone

Guy on his cell phone repeating a conversation he had with someone else: He was like, no I'm not dating her. I'm married, but its ok since my wife is handicapped.

- Westbound Blue Line MAX
-- Overheard by Brian

Crisscross

Homeless-smelling dude who always just talks and talks on the bus to no one in particular: Are you a Christopher Cross fan? You look like a Christopher Cross fan.

- #12 bus headed downtown
-- Overheard by Eric

Cranky

Kid (to waitress): Are you cranky today?

- Stepping Stone
-- Overheard by Rich

Don't stop till you get enough

Woman 1: Why did Michael Jackson have to die? There's so many other people out there that coulda died!

Woman 2: Michael Jackson had to die cause he had a prescription drug addiction, and God don't like that.

- PCC
-- Overheard by Erin

Sharing

Woman: (crying)

Man: Would you stop crying so I can fucking share.

- After a Timbers game
-- Overheard by Ellie

Religious restrictions

Woman: Hey! You took your arm off my shoulders again!
Man: I'm sorry! I'm catholic...

- Overheard by Cecilia

bag

Gal: You had me at "Bag of dicks."

- Muu Muu's
-- Overheard by Rich

The Man Show

Guy: You know that woman's book "Eat, Pray, Love?" I'm writing a book about my own journey and I'm calling it: "Drink, Whore, Nap."

- PDX airport
-- Overheard by Rich

Is that so much to ask?

Overheard at Kenton post office when Ace of Base's "All That She Wants" started playing behind two Boomer-aged male employees:

USPS Guy 1: All that she wants is another baby, Ken...

- Overheard by Jeff

real Starbucks?

At a Starbucks inside a Safeway at SE 122nd and Glisan....

"Are you sure this is a real Starbucks? They don't even have CDs."

- Overheard by Christopher

Too much time to think

Two teenagers talking in a yard:

Teenager 1: What do you think a parakeet would look like in a snowstorm?
Teenager 2: I don't know...angry and confused?

- Overheard by Victoria

Day at the races

"Catherine the Great got fucked by a horse and SHE turned out okay!"

- NE PDX
-- Overheard by Meredith

Gummi Job

Little old lady (to teenager): Well the white Gummi Bears are better for sex anyway...

- Doctor's office waiting room
-- Overheard by Matt, who writes: "I wish I could have heard the rest of the conversation, before and after."

Randomness

Two women walking: What does Patrick Swayze have to do with the price of tea in China?

- 9th & Lloyd NE May 6, 2010 @ 3:45 p.m.
-- Overheard by Paulette

The right idea

Kid pushing shopping cart, yields politely to senior citizen.

Kid: Old people first!

- Fred Meyer on Burnside
-- Overheard by Rich

When Kids don't watch TV

Cycling past three youngsters climbing around on a porch. Saturday afternoon, near SE Trader Joe's:

Boy: Hey! Let's go ask people if they're hobos!

- Overheard by Broadside Johnnie

She's sleeping in

Woman: This pink lemonade isn't very strong.

Bartender: Oh, it's plenty strong. It's that tart flavor that makes it kind of sneaky.

Woman: No. I mean it needs more alcohol.

Bartender: Perhaps you have a drinking problem.

- Muu-Muu's
-- Overheard by Rich

Parts is parts

Woman to friend: She had an extra liver.... I mean, an extra kidney.

- Outside cafe on Clinton Street
-- Overheard by Kristen

Fiddles and beer

Homeless guy to his buddys: There's a difference between a violin and a fiddle; you can't spill a beer in a violin.

- SW 6th and Yamhill
-- Overheard by Rich

Blood-borne diseases? Please!

Two women who don't know each other.

Woman 1: (looking at the Woman 2's nose peircing) Did you do that yourself?
Woman 2: Yeah (goes on to explain how it's painless, and she's done it for family)
Woman 1: Could you do mine?
Woman 2: Sure!
Woman 1: What's your number?
Woman 2: (shouts number while getting off bus)

- #4 bus
-- Overheard by Tabitha

This might burn a little

Customer: How hot is your mild?
Thai Cart Owner: Medium spicy.
Customer: Ok, I'd like mine medium-hot.

- At the 4th and Alder food carts
-- Overheard by John

Dog stare

My dog and another dog met, sniffed, and then the other dog got a bit growly.

Woman to small dog who was growling at my dog: I know you don't like a direct stare, but you can always break it...

- Submitted by Erin

Birthday

Location: Summerlake Park, Family of three walking through park

Dad to little girl: Bethany! We should have your birthday here this year!
Mom, quietly to Dad: I thought we weren’t doing a birthday this year.

- Overheard by Kyle

Oddly amusing

Two guys smoking: That dude is a hardcore Facebooker.

- At Buffalo Gap
-- Overheare by Eric

Mastication Imagination

Loud, Drunk Guy talking to friend: I love mahi-mahi. I've been breaking down fish since I was 7 years old. Really, over the years, I've broken down just about every type of animal on the planet. ...except a human...if you think about it though, humans don't taste very good; that's why sharks spit us out. Babies, however, are delicious. [awkward pause throughout the bus] ....I'd imagine.


- On the late night #14, by 50th & Powell
-- Overheard by Ansel

Foot rapist

"He didn't RAPE her or anything, he just took her socks off while she slept 'cos he has a foot fetish!"

- Outside In clinic
-- Overheard by Nicole

American Idol

Apparently-scandalized dishwasher, to badly-singing cook: There are people out there eating!

- Utopia Cafe
-- Overheard by the woman at the counter

Library

Man apologizing for his public arrest, occurring the previous week at the same library: Being drunk does nobody no good. At least, being drunk in the library does nobody no good.

- NW Library
-- Overheard by Emily

Guy:Not only is she hot, she likes
Stargate and shit!

- Muu Muu's
-- Overheard by Rich

Fur

Jewish chick: That's the best thing about being a Jew, though. You get all the best fur when someone dies.

- At bar in SW Portland
-- Overheard by Alex

Money shot

After a father takes a picture of his 8 year old son and 6 year old daughter,

Mother: Was that the money shot?
Father: Yep, that was the money shot.


- Portland International Airport
-- Overheard by Hotsoupwoman

When in Rome

Woman, to her friend: He never wears pants, unless other people are wearing pants; then he will wear pants.

- Walgreens
-- Overheard by Broadside Johnnie

Rapper

Girl on cellphone: My biggest problem is that when I hang out with rappers, and I start drinking, I start rapping.

- PSU
-- Overheard by Tom

Bad Cook

Little girl to mom who was looking at a cookbook: God is a bad God because he makes bad food.

- Borders
-- Overheard by Fatema

Chocolate

"Anyone want a chocolate pussy?" said a guy holding one up. He had an immediate taker.

- PSU's Food for Thought Cafe
-- Overheard by Emily

Unseemly shuffleboard

By the shuffleboard table in the Broadway Brewery:

Old guy: You guys want to buy me a beer before I go home?
Young guys playing shuffleboard: Nope. Not at all. Have a good night."
Old guy: Shuffleboard, eh? Shuffle it up your ASS!

- Overheard by Eric

Whole grain goodness

At Saturday market on Sunday, a larger woman is walking by the food vendors, presumably looking for something to eat:

Woman: Ooh quesadillas! Wait, whole grain tortilla? Oh hell no!

- Overheard by Tracy

Show her you'd do it all over again

This one happened just tonight at Outback Steakhouse on 82nd. A table of five gentlemen in their 60's (?) were talking quite loudly.

Man 1: His ex was calling her over & over, telling her not to marry him, don't do it, it will ruin your life.

Man 2: That happened to a buddy of mine in Reno. He killed himself to get away from it.

Man 3: Oh, yeah! Him.

Man 2: He stepped in front of a bus.

- Overheard by Zen Angel

Packed

".... And they're packed in there so tight, we have cut them apart with scissors to keep them from mating."

- At the CCC
-- Overheard by a number of curious bike cleaners

Beer breath

Cycling past a trio of college-aged gals walking on the sidewalk: ... and they didn't have that beer breath, y'know, like boys get.

- SE Stark & 18th
-- Overheard by Broadside Johnnie

Army of One

"As soon as I get off probation, I'm going back to the army."

- On the #8 Bus
-- Overheard by Daniel

Bridesmaid

Intoxicated woman on cellphone: You're gonna be my first or second bridesmaid, so don't let me get married. When they ask if anyone has any objections speak up, because I'll probably be drunk.

- Inner SE Bar
-- Overheard by Daniel

Can relate

Man to woman: We can relate, I mean, you're not a black lesbian and you get along.

- Lloyd Center Cafe
-- Overheard by Heidi

We try harder

One guy to another: I never drink and drive in a rental car.

- Vancouver Safeway
-- Overheard by Tina

Hands full

Girl to guy friend: So you had to hold onto your wallet and your keys--and protect your junk!

- MAX stop
-- Overheard by Deborah

The hat

Man on Cellphone: ...and he was completely naked! Well, I can't say that because he was wearing a cowboy hat; but he was totally naked.

- Near Chinatown
-- Overheard by Joanna and Connor

Accessories

Girl at table to friends: A wheelchair is basically an accessory these days...like cellphones

Guy from another table to his friends: Did you hear what that girl said? That wheelchairs are accessories?


Guy to girl: Did you just say that wheelchairs are like an accessory? High five!

- Overheard by Shawna

Little people

Two teen boys on Line 70.

Teen 1 (frantically pointing out window): Look! Midgets!
Teen 2: (no response)
Teen 1: Dude! Did you see them?
Teen 2: Yeah. I don't know why you're all excited.
Teen 1 (slow and deliberate): Because ... they're ... midgets!

- Overheard by Lawrence

The Drowning

Black guy to his friend: You know the movie White Man Can't Jump? I always wondered why there wasn't a movie of the opposite. Like... Black men can't swim. You know, I am going to make that movie.

- PSU-Michigan men's basketball game
-- Overheard by Connor

White man's domain

Filipina Girl: Middle Easterners don't know how to drive!
White Girl: I'm so glad that you're Asian so I can be racist!


- Overheard by Megan

I bet these two are "good listeners"

Office girl 1: I don't even like real sugar anymore.
Office girl 2's response: What time do you think a tattoo shop would open?

- Overheard by Bonnie

Dis-kabob-ulated

Staggering, apparently quite inebriated woman to man inside Turkish food cart: Why you closed?

No reply.

Woman: I want a divorce!

- SW 10th and Alder, 9:02 AM
-- Overheard by Jen

Life of Larry

Guy at Movie Madness: What if his name wasn't Jesus? What if it was, like, Larry Christ? Then when you fell off a ladder or something you'd be shouting, "Larry Christ!"

- Overheard by Kristen

Robot

"Would you nail a robot?"

"Psh, Yea!"

long pause.....

"As long as you could clean it"

- Submitted by Josh, who writes: "My friends are messed up."

Toothless

Toothless man in the booth next to my husband and me at the diner in Lloyd Center food court is apparently a regular there.

Waitress: Where's your teeth?
Toothless man: In my pocket.

- Overheard by Jen

Pipeless

Scraggly Guy crosses in front of my car, then comes to my window.

Me: (Rolls down window a little.)
Scraggly Guy: Hey, you got a pipe?
Me: Nope.
Scraggly Guy: Man, I really need to get baked!!
Me: Sorry, man.

- SE Hawthorne
-- Submitted by dv

Akthelt and Gunnel

Guy sitting in front of me clearly on a first date: I’ve dabbled in Norse religions.

- Overheard by Henry

Glassy

College kid admiring my kid's glass artwork: That shit is dope as fuck!

- Overheard by Stuart

Taint

Last night after leaving the Winterhawks game at the Rose Garden:

20-something girl: Do you want to walk or take the MAX?
30 something guy: I don't wanna walk, I have a boil on my taint.

- Overheard by John

weather-proof

20-something year old drunk girl to her friends outside of a house party: I'm too fucked up for a jacket.

- Overheard by Alex

Have faith!

Guy to another guy in men's bathroom: Looks like we have to use 'imaginary' soap?! (dispenser was out)

Other guy, who happened to be peeing at that moment: You just gotta believe!

- Buffalo Gap
-- Overheard by Nacion

Thesis

One prof to another about teaching writing: Put a ball gag in that thesis statement!

- PSU

Vienna Sausages

At the Dollar Store at Mall 205, a family of Mom, Teen Sis, and maybe 5-yr-old Brother:

Sis: I can't find them. We've been up and down this aisle twice.
Mom: Keep looking.
Brother: Can't we just cut up regular hot dogs real small?
Mom (shrieking): NO! We have to have 20 cans of Vienna Sausages or it WON'T WORK!

- Overheard by ZenAngel, who writes: "The last 2 words were shrieked with a panic I have never before attributed to Vienna Sausages. I also can't help but wonder what hellish recipe or plan called for the absolute use of Vienna Sausages, OR ELSE."

Frozen Peas

Scene: Coworker #2 slipped on some mail strewn on the floor. She is hurting and complaining about it.

Coworker #1: You know, there's some frozen peas in the freezer--
Coworker #2: I can't put frozen peas all over my body!
Coworker #1: No, I mean, it's in a bag.

- Overheard by facepalm

Grasshopper spit

Guy on the Green Line: Well, it wasn't any worse than grasshopper spit!

- Overheard by Brittney

What Heaven smells like

Teenage girl on the phone: She smelled what heaven would smell like: shower, perfume deodorant...

-On the #72 bus
--Overheard by Midnight

Cleavage

Heard in an elevator full of people...
"Cleavage is like a half wrapped present that I can't have."

- Overheard by Angela

Hole in the back

Girl on phone: What, she's in a wheelchair? How'd she get home like that? She's got a hole in her back? Ohh, from bed rest.

- Outside of school
-- Overheard by Sam

CuddleTalk at Tea Shop

Young woman 1: So is it required if you stay at her house you have to cuddle?

Young woman 2: Well, it's not required; but it basically is.

Young woman 3: Wow.

- Tea Shop
-- Overheard by Dawn

Ben Wa

So I work the graveyard shift @ Paradise Video on SE Stark. Here's a convo between two of my customers.

Lady 01: Ben Wa balls? What do they do?

Lady 02: Girl! You don't know?! It's like a Thigh Master for your coochie!

- Overheard by Islanesia

Alt.Religion

Young man: What's that book about?
Old man: Alternative theories to the big bang.
Young man: Like creationism?
Old man: No, I'm Buddhist.
Young man: Oh, I like alternative religions.
Old man: Yeah, Buddhism is a good one.

- On the #75 bus
-- Overheard by Rebecca

Neverending weiner

Two kids playing with plastic food in an after school program:

Boy: When I eat this plastic hot dog, it will regenerate. It's the neverending weiner.

- Hillsboro after school Program
-- Overheard by Kirsten

Extinction

Stripper: I don't think I believe in dinosaurs.. I mean, where did they go?

- Strip club
-- Overheard by Sky Rocket

Hella

Skateboard Dude: You should get a hella casual shirt.

- At the Ross in Lloyd's Center
-- Overheard by Josh

HRL

Female college student: I've got that hot retarded look going on.

- On the green line MAX
-- Overheard by Brittney

Support the Troops

Walking by employee we hear a broadcast message over their radio from another employee:

"Do we have a military discount?"
Seconds later a response from another employee:
"No.........but we still support the troops!"

- Target, Washington Square
-- Overheard by Nacion

Rubbermaid

Older woman, trying to squeeze past my towering cartload of Rubbermaid totes: All these people with their crappy crap @#$%*!

- Interstate Fred Meyer
-- Overheard by Steve

Holidays

At a party with bands playing....

Guy 1: It smells like weed and peppermint in here.
Guy 2: Well, it is still close to the holidays.

- Overheard by Kris

Soul mate

Girl on cell phone: Hi, is this Jon? Hi, um, it's Mayte...from Florida...your soulmate?

- Overheard by Jessica