Monday, December 31, 2007

Confused Superstar

Obviously Meth-addled woman speaking to evangelist lady:

Meth-woman: I'm Valerie Bertinelli Bitch, I don't need Jesus!

Evangelist lady: Just stands and smiles like a mannequin.

- Lloyd Center Mall, outside the Dollar Store

-- Overheard by Stone

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Delicacies

Woman, talking pho: I couldn't bring myself to try the meatballs because they were too much like testicles.

- Floyd's Coffee Shop

-- Overheard by b!X

Friday, December 28, 2007

Glazed Doughnut

Creepy Homeless man: Hey what's your favorite number? You know what mine is? 69. Ya, there's nothing I like more then waking up with my face like a glazed donut!

- On the max

-- Overheard by Colleen

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Penal system

Woman on the phone: Well you don't have to like, stand up and say "I'm-an-alchoholic" do you? Well they can't say you are an alcoholic from one DUI. (slightly outraged) They are making you quit SMOKING?

- On the #75 bus

-- Overheard by Nicole

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Low man

Employee to someone on the phone: Well, my manager is in the middle of an interview with Channel 2 news, so tell this guy he's kind of low on the totem pole right now.

- Macy's LLoyd Center, just before Christmas

-- Overheard by Alan, who writes: "That's pretty damn low."

Jingle Bells

I was lurking in a Rite Aid Monday and following a musak performance of Jingle Bells by barking dogs, I heard form the adjoining aisle someone say:

"Well, ok, if you don't like the dog version you probably won't like the meowing cats either."

- Overheard by Ken

Monday, December 24, 2007

Sniffer

Random bar guy: I've smelled many a homeless guy.

- Columbia Broil, Northeast Columbia Blvd.

-- Overheard by Anita

Call center at World's End

Call center worker: I'm getting owned by a level-20 crab here!

- Overheard where people who answer phones for Disney tech support have to play Pirates of the Caribbean for their jobs.

- Overheard by the Blankenships

Holiday parking

"You want my [parking] spot? That will be 10 bucks...or a cocktail."

- Tualatin Fred Meyer parking lot at 2 pm on Dec. 22nd

-- Overheard by lambheel

Thursday, December 20, 2007

If we don't end war, war will end us

Tall man (to no one in particular): Every time I hear that bell, I think of the Time Machine with Rod Taylor.

- In front of St. Mark's on NW 21st Ave

-- Overheard by Rich

Boys don't cry

Boy (yelling to his friend in the school's hallway): I don't cry; I piss out of my eyes!

- Overheard by Julie

young and the restless

YOUNG WOMAN #1: That official looks like he's 15.

YOUNG WOMAN #2: He is 15....

YOUNG WOMAN #1: Oh really? those are my favorite!!

- At a basketball game

-- Overheard by Kimberly

Dreaming of a White Christmas

Girl on cell phone: Yeah, I got you the perfect Christmas gift, but I still need an idea for what else to get you...Pauses...NO! It's not cocaine!

- At Lloyd Center in front of the pet store

-- Overheard by Jennifer

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

fiery doom!

On an airplane coming in for landing at pdx we hit a bit of turbulence. A

Young boy (screaming at the top of his lungs): WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIE!!!
His dad: No, we're not.
Boy (completely calm now): Oh, ok.


- Airplane

-- Overheard by Brennan, who writes: "I'm sure that made some people unnecessarily nervous!"

a guy thing

Woman trying to which Christmas gift to buy and talking to a woman behind the counter.

Woman: I don't know. Should I get the simple one or the more elaborate one?

Guy#1 (volunteering): Get the simple one

Guy#2 (guy#1's friend): Yeah guys like simple, because guys are simple. Really.

Another guy: Yeah, I gotta agree with simple

Woman: OK but if this is not right, I'll hunt the three of you down

Guy#1 (laughing and pointing to a store work order): Here's my number.

Another guy: "Hey, if he doesn't like simple, then three of us really need to talk to him!"


- Mall jewelry store

-- Overheard by Brad

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Comp workers

Little boy to Stockers: You guys are all going to lose your jobs!

- CompUSA Going out of business sale

-- Overheard by Rich

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Distilled

Woman in Costco to her partner: Are we going to get anything that's NOT alcoholic?

- Overheard by PAgent

Hygiene

Little boy in bathroom stall with mom: Do you still have to push your peepee down?
Mom: Yes, you do.
Little boy: But I don't want to wash my hands! The toilets aren't even dirty.
Mom: No, but your body is.

- PDX Airport

-- Overheard by Sarah

Yuletide

Coworker: “I’ve got Christmas cards coming out my ass!”

- Overheard by Pezolator

Friday, December 14, 2007

Kindergarten cop

A five year old boy I was babysitting:

Me: So do you have homework in kindergarten?
Him: Yeah. Sometimes I have three homeworks.
Me: Wow, your teacher must be tough.
Him: Yeah..... so tough you can't beat her up.

- Overheard by Meghan

Thursday, December 13, 2007

farvegnugen

Girl On Cellphone: I mean i could never actually date him. He drives a jetta! I mean, what kind of man drives a jetta? Seriously.

- Line 14 Bus Stop at 50th and Powell

-- Overheard by Edie

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Edith Pilaf

I overheard this at La Machin on Hawthorne today. Four college-aged women were eating lunch and they were trying like hell to remember who sang The Song of the Sparrow.

"Edith Pilaf! Phew, I feel so much better now that I remembered."

- Overheard by Melissa

Breaking in and out

Man with White Box, on phone:
Hey, it's me. I just got off the plane from LA, and I've got your In and Out burgers. So I'll see you later, or I'll just break into your house and put them in the fridge.

- On the 12-Barbur to Sherwood

-- Overheard by b!X

Hasn't read the marriage contract

I was at Coach’s in Beaverton on Cedar Hills when I overheard the nastiest thing ever:

Guy to trashy looking girl: Congrats on your engagement.

Girl’s response to guy: Yeah, I can pretty much guarantee he’ll being eating good P**sy for the rest of his life.

-Overheard by L

Homo sociology experiment

Hobo: Hey man, can you spare 5, 10, 20 dollars so I can get some pot around the corner?

Me: Nah man, sorry.

Hobo: Come on, I’m not gonna buy no hard liquor or meth, I just want some pot to chill out.

Me: Sorry.
(The hobo walks away and then comes back a few seconds later.)

Hobo: Would it be any different if I was asking for money to get food?

- At the corner of SW 5th and Washington

-- Overheard by Ben

Friday, November 30, 2007

Oh, the joys of public transportation

Older lady to two teen girls (about extremely drunk guy on the MAX): You guys might want to move before he throws up all over you.

- Blue line to Hillsboro

-- Overheard by Jen

But They're Kinda Used...

20-ish girl: "Man, I want my condoms back from his ass!"

- Overheard by Aaron on MAX

caffeine makes some people a bit too edgy

Scruffy, sarcastic guy: See you around.

Clean-cut, angry/nervous guy: Yeah, see you around. Next time I'll be packing just like you, bud.

Scruffy guy: Cool.

Clean-cut guy: Next time I'll have a knife just like you, bro.

- Outside Coffee Time on NW 21st, around 11pm

-- Overheard by Jen

Thursday, November 29, 2007

nor gloom of night

"Our tax dollars don't pay them to make chit chat!"

(The USPS is self-funding and does not receive any tax revenue for
operations.)

- Kenton Station P.O

-- Overheard by Steve

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

"So, what are you doing later? Besides jumping off the KOIN tower, I mean."

Girl on cell: "Hello? Oh hi, I just wanted to tell you that your parents adopted you and your whole life's a lie. You're a fat sack of crap and everyone hates you. I also just set your dog on fire."

- PSU cafeteria

-- Overheard by Justin

the weather outside is frightful, so is the conversation...

Guy #1: And it was so cold---

Guy #2: And the snot was frozen all over his face.

- Walking down NW 21st last night

-- Overheard by Jen

Monday, November 26, 2007

Brisk, post-Thanksgiving Walk in Berlin

It's that chilly Saturday after Thanksgiving, and I'm on a walk with a friend heading out toward St. Johns. Three late 20-something, sheet rocker-type guys are standing around on the porch of a tired-looking house.

Sheet Rocker 1: "I've been meaning to read Mein Kampf."

Sheet Rocker 2: "Yeah, I hear it's good."

We cross the street.

- Overheard by Gm

It was chilly in the Ladies' that evening...

Girl one, in toilet stall: Brrr!

Girl two, in stall next to her (sing song): My butt is freeeeeezing!

Girl one (sing song): And there's a black thing on my toiiiiilet!

Girl two: Ahhh, the joys of the public restroom...


- Hawthorne Hideaway

-- Overheard by Specklet

Monday, November 19, 2007

Damn hippies!

Overheard on the 33 bus line, an alternative looking couple was talking when the guy gasped and turned to the girl:

Guy: I have a job now...that means I'm a contributing member of society...

Guy and Girl: Wuh-wuh-wuuuuuuhhh....

- Overheard by ali

Sunday, November 18, 2007

low tech

A group of seven people are sitting at a long table.
A guy and girl sitting across from one another...

Girl: I'm not technical or anything.

Guy: I know. I've been to your house.

- Greater Trumps

-- Overheard by Laurie

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Happy hour

This one is rich. Am in Blue Hour for happy hour on Friday (Nov. 16) and in the corner, up in the front, near a window are a guy and gal. Cocktail server comes up and asks if she can get them anything.

Guy: Yes. I'll take six of those (pointing to the drink his gal is drinking). I want three by I.V., one poured over my head, and the rest in front of me. (Server laughs and walks away.)

- Overheard by Gm

Terminate hipster with extreme prejudice

Stupid Hipster: We can't have lunch at a Jewish deli! This is Wednesday, not Jewsday!

- Inside the Ace Hotel Stumptown

-- Overheard by Ted

Friday, November 16, 2007

the little apple

Little girl to father in central downtown: Are we in New York city right now?

- Overheard by SkyB

Smoking bitches

Scene: Group of three female smokers are outside on a break.

Homeless Man: Smoking bitches, smoking bitches, die smoking bitches, die!

- Downtown at Washington and 5th

-- Overheard by: PDXCABBIE, who writes: He yelled from from the middle of the street. I had to drive around him.

Hemingway

Tall street kid in a trench coat, (loudly speaking into a pay phone):
I'm going to assassinate a bull fighter in Italy! (slams phone receiver down)

Street kid sitting on the side walk (enthusiastically): You do that, Jeff!

Trench coat (yelling): The hairy messiah KNOWS I'm on overload!


- Outside the downtown RiteAid

-- Overheard by Specklet

Ave Maria

Woman: Yeah, you know when I was a kid there was Donnie Osmond. But not like any guy would want to go see Donnie.

Man sitting nearby: I'd go see Marie. Yeah, she's hot.

- Eastbound MAX train, 5:00 rush hour

-- Overheard by Dyana

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Oops

Two young guys yelling at each other outside Cedar Hills Crossing in Beaverton.

Guy 1 : So what? I slept with your sister; get over it already!!

Guy 2: Dude, that wasn't my sister that was my MOM!!!


- Overheard by Jim

Friday, November 09, 2007

Saving the Day

(My friends and I walk up to a group of people crowded around a collapsed female streetkid; a male streetkid is kneeling at her side.)

My friend: Is there anything I can do to help? I'm a critical care nurse.

Male streetkid: I know how to keep people breathing! I did heroin for years!

(At this point, we walked away, and heard sirens shortly thereafter.)

- SW 10th & Morrison

-- Overheard by J

Thursday, November 08, 2007

I see what you mean

(Woman boards bus with white cane and dark sunglasses)

Woman (to driver): I need to go to *muffled*

Driver: Where?

Woman: Oh nevermind, I'll see it when we get close.

- Overheard on #4 by Aaron

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Open road

Driver: I have four days off and I'm going to help my sister-in-law move. It's about a 12 hour drive, but that's OK. It's not like I have to stop every two blocks...

- On the #12 Sandy Bus

-- Overheard by Duffbert

Raging Taqueria Boohoos

Two different men, within minutes of each other, outside Taqueria Los Gorditos on 50th and Division:

Man the First: It's okay, my dad's the sheriff. I am a LOO-OO-OO-OOSER! FUCK YOO-OO-OOU!

Man the Second, to me and companions: Why aren't you kids smoking yet?!

- Overheard by Abner

Comeback

While a girl strums her guitar and sings at Valentine's:

Girl: "Are you listening to this? She sounds just like Lead Belly!"

Guy: "Except Lead Belly played the twelve string."

Girl: "You've worn the same clothes four days in a row."

- Overheard by Joel

blackholes

Father and young son looking at the planetarium schedule

Father: No son, blackholes is not a porno... not here at OMSI.

- At the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry

-- Overheard by Kevin

Monday, November 05, 2007

Too much caffeine

Two girls were walking down Yamhill on Saturday afternoon, and the one of them asked the other:

"Is there such a thing as restless arm syndrome?"

- Overheard by Elizabeth

Sushi Town

Heard after my plane landed in Portland on a flight from Boston:

After male passenger comments he is traveling to Vancouver, Washington on business, a female passenger replies,

"You will LOVE vancouver washington. they have great sushi!"

- Overheard by liz

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Welcome mat

Restaurant worker on break: What do you think after a 15 hour shift? All I want to do is to get in bed. What the hell was she sleeping in front of the door for anyway?

- Near Saturday Market

-- Overheard by Steve

wisdom recipe 420

Heard through my kitchen window from the neighbors on their porch:

"Lesson learned- never eat pot brownies on the beach in Florida."


- Overheard by purplespider

Saturday, November 03, 2007

babelfish

Exasperated white girl to Japanese friend: Wait, so you're telling me that you speak Japanese, but you don't speak French?!

Japanese friend: [Nods.]

- Hawthorne Fred Meyer

-- Overheard by LAB

but at least I'm a well-read retard

Girl in cat-eye glasses, staring into space: You know what I would love to eat?
Brunette, facetiously: A bear?
Girl in cat-eye glasses, startled: What? Oh, yeah, I'd totally eat a bear!
Brunette: No, you wouldn't!
Girl in cat-eye glasses, earnestly: Yeah, they're supposed to be delicious, especially in the fall when they're all fattened up to hibernate...
Brunette (interrupting): Who do you know that's eaten a bear?
Girl in cat-eye glasses: Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Brunette: You. Are a retard.

- Rose's Deli on NW 23rd

-- Overheard by: I remember that part

Sicko

Co Worker on phone: I've been sick for 30 years, COME ON!

- Overheard by Jim

Friday, November 02, 2007

must use High Karate

Guy on #12 bus: I get more coochie than every man! Thursday! Monday! Tuesday! Saturday! Sunday! Jesus' birthday!

- Overheard by birds fly

secret code?

Girl on cellphone walking down sidewalk:

"Well, I actually caught some dragonflies.."

- Overheard by molly

Hung

At a KMart, walked past a couple of grungy looking young-adult girls, one to the other:

"Dude, I have the gnarliest fucking hangover..."

Couldn't hear the rest, but me and my friends could only try and not laugh.

- Kmart

-- Overheard by Nick

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

in search of PC derogatories

High school students get on bus in front of the high school.

First student: That was gay, man.

Second student: Yeah, that was so gay.

Bus passenger: Excuse me boys? As a lesbian I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being gay, so you shouldn’t use gay as an insult.

(Students snigger.)

5 minutes later:

First student: Man, that was so homo.

- On the #44 to Portland

-- Overheard by Heather

The high cost of boobs in the face

"And the lapdances are when it gets really expensive!"

- University of Oregon Law School, Eugene

-- Overheard by Tim, who writes: "And this in mixed company...."

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

WTF?

Late-50s man, on cell phone: His heart stopped. Like it always does.

- Outside of NE Broadway/Lloyd Center US Bank

-- Overheard by Chuck, who writes: "Get that s**t checked out, stat!"

Mind powers

So I was walking downtown on Saturday night, and there were these two girls dressed up for halloween. One was a cat and the other was some sort of devil or something. We were waiting for the crosswalk signal, and when it finally flashed, "Walk," this is what they said:

Cat girl: Oh my god girl, I was just thinking I wish this light would turn and then... it DID!

Devil girl: No WAY. Did you do it with your mind!?

Cat girl: I don't know, but all of a sudden I feel like I can do ANYTHING.

- Downtown

-- Oveheard by Abbi, who writes: "They may have been joking, but they were also OBVIOUSLY intoxicated. I thought it was funny."

he did look Irish

Bouncer: Sir, we’re going to have to cut you off.

Drunk 20-something dressed as a priest: My son, it is a blessing.

- Horror Bollywood at The Fez, Oct 27th

-- Overheard by Kelly

Good effort

Woman to her friend as she gets up and walks away:
You stay black!

Black friend, after a bit of a pause: uh, I'll try!

- Smith Memorial Union 2nd floor lounge

-- Overheard by Sarah, who writes: "I actually pulled my headphones out of my ears to laugh with the women. What a great laugh for the day!"

Monday, October 29, 2007

Sure, sure

Guy on cell phone: "Yeah, I'm at seventh and just getting off the bus."

- #14, at 21st & Hawthorne

-- Overheard by Specklet

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Double negative

On Stark Street one night:

Upset Trannie: Please, PLEASE don't tell him I'm not really a girl. {{Screaming}} God, why won't you just give me a damn period!?!

Irritated Trannie's friend: I liked you better on meth, girl.

- Overheard by Jasmine

The adventures of Scorpion Del Monte

Man 1: I’ve only heard that one time before and that was from a guy named Scorpion. Right after he told me about wrecking the forklift at the Del Monte plant.

- At the office

-- Overheard by Jasmine

Thursday, October 25, 2007

I used to have that ELP album

While leaving the auditorium, I overheard two women discussing the Dvorak's Symphony #9, "From the New World."

Woman 1: It was sure negative. He just wanted to prove it wasn't American.

Woman 2: Yeah, I liked the "Pictures at a Galleria" one better.

(Referring to a previous "Inside the Score" featuring Mussorgsky's "Pictures at an Exhibition")

- Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall

-- Overhead by Steve, who writes:

"Inside the Score" is a series in which OR Symphony director Karlos Kalmar discusses and demonstrates parts of a classical work, then has the orchestra perform it in its entirety. On Sunday, they did Dvorak's Symphony #9, "From the New World," and the discussion was centered on just how "American" this work is ("not very" is the consensus that most any music student or connoisseur already knows).

Kalmar started out debunking any relationship to jazz, which didn't appear until decades after the symphony was written.

Sitting next to me in the audience was a woman and her two young daughters. (They tittered, talked and whispered through the whole show.) At one point, Kalmar demonstrated a bass line, and the woman says to her girls, quite excitedly, "It's jazz!" She repeated this a few times to make sure everybody around heard it.

I feel the same way, buddy

(People get onto a very crowded bus.)

Driver, enunciating very precisely: Please move... behind... the yellow line.

(There is much shuffling as people squeeze in tighter.)

Driver, at the next stop: I can take... anyone... who is behind... the yellow line.

(More shuffling. Stop request bell rings, driver pulls over at next stop, no one disembarks.)

Driver, quietly, still enunciating: Going once... Going twice...

(Doors shut, stop request bell rings immediately.)

Driver, quietly: Are you sure? Are you positive?

(Bus stops, lady with cane laboriously makes her way down the packed aisle.)

Lady: Excuse me, thank you. Thank you. You guys have a fun day!

Driver, quietly: That... is going... to take... some doing.

- On the bus

-- Overheard by Specklet

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Slow downer

Large Tourist: Man, why is the traffic so darn slow?

Bus Driver: We're in Oregon.

Large Tourist: I know what state I'm in, I just can't figure out why...

Bus Driver: The traffic is slow because we're in Oregon, ma'm.

- The 58

-- Overheard by Erich, who writes: "The quote isn't quite as funny as the look the tourist gave the bus driver afterwards, though."

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Chicken of the Sea

Old, grimy hobo to girls exiting a club:
"You shouldn't bend over like that when I've got a raging hard-on! Gonna harpoon a tuna."

- The Fez, last Saturday, sometime around 2 am

-- Overheard by Jen

Ron-tonkin-kia, not Korea

Volunteer: You just came here from Korea?

Couple: Noooooo, we just came from Ron-tonkin-kia!!!

- OMSI

-- Overheard by Kevin

Monday, October 22, 2007

do-se-do

Intermission-- In the line to the ladies room opening night of OBT Germanic Lands

Woman to friend exiting ladies room:
"You know I was about to start complaining when those two guys started dancing together."

Woman in line: "Oh Go Home."

- At OBT

-- Overheard by Kirsten

a river runs through it

On the MAX on Saturday afternoon, as we're crossing the Steel Bridge, a teenaged girl asked her friend:

"Is that the Willamette or the Columbia? If it's the Columbia, I've jumped in there before and that shit is cold."

- Overheard by Elizabeth

Friday, October 19, 2007

Der Vegtards

Mom to daughter (who is holding a package of deli sliced Tofurkey):
"No honey, there are no vegetarian Germans."

- Wild Oates

-- Overheard by Jocelyn

Thursday, October 18, 2007

and I can still hear her complain

Hispanic man in suit:

"This woman in Mexico? I love her so much I have to kill her."

- Swagat

-- Overheard by Rich

Traditional Marriage

Customer, after getting off his cell phone:
"Don't get married. It's like talking to yourself. But they talk back."

- Great Northwest Bookstore

-- Overheard by b!X

Gone in 60 seconds

#15 bus driver, on snowy morning a couple years back:

"Ok, you folks that aren't used to riding the bus, you need to sit down or grab hold of something, because I know what this bus can do, and I will drive it like it's stolen."

- SE Morrison and about 17th

-- Overheard by: And he got me to work on time!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Unhosed

Highschool student:

"He said something...said something like, 'I'll buy you a ring, I'll buy you a rose, I'll take off your pantyhose.' But the way he rapped it--it was tiiiight. Oh my goodness! It was tight!"

- On 35 Greely bus

-- Overheard by Michael

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

and then we remembered we left the toaster on

Crazy Hobo with Two Bags of McDonalds:
"Spider Monkeys are hot right now. I protect all the animals! I got 500 gorillas in the underground, I yell "Hey gorillas!" and they come out and we make the money drops, we use a crane to get to the apartment windows. Stacks of bills! Three grand each! I'm the Treasurer! Just go to Powell's on Sunday and say "Todd is in, give me the money!" Stacks!"

- 10th and Morrison

-- Overheard by: LMoney

Monday, October 15, 2007

Have a nice day!

Bus slows, young man gets up from his seat.

Young man, to bus driver: "Have a nice day!:

Older guy: "He ain't gonna let you off till he gets to his stop!"

Young man: "I know, I know, I'm just tellin' him "Have a nice day!'"

Older guy: "Well, just don't be hopping up like that all the time!"

Young man: "Awww, be quiet!"

- On the bus

-- Overheard by Specklet

Take a message

Last week on the #40 bus, evening commute home. Bus is near full. Nobody is talking. Someone's cellphone rings at the back of the bus. Up front, a sort of homeless looking, street musican responds:

"If it's for me, I'm not here!"
Smiles and chuckles on several faces.

- Overheard by Patrick

Cheesehead diet

In a nail salon:

Woman getting manicure and talking on her cell phone at the same time:

"Just do what I did. Eat lots of yogurt and cheese. No roughage. And DON'T tell your mother."

- Overheard by Elizabeth

In your grocer's freezer

Overhead at the Milwaukie Farmers Market, at a vegetable booth, surrounded by display tables full of lettuce, tomatoes, potatoes, bell peppers, carrots, etc.

Little girl: "Daddy, where do they have the actual food?"

- Overheard by T.K. & G

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Going to the chapel

Girl #1 to Girl #2:

"We could get a domestic partnership, get the benefits, and then sleep with whomever we want!"

- Laurelthirst

-- Overheard by Rich

Understatement

Woman in purple:
"I can't drink too much anymore. I'm pregnant."

- Plaid Pantry Store #66

-- Overheard by b!X

Go back to Cali

last night, 8:20pm

Guy on his cell phone yells: "I hate Portland!"

- On the corner of Burnside and NW 20th

-- Overheard by The Blankenships

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Who is you?

Obnoxiously loud young man to an older guy talking on the phone:
"Is she in Idaho? Is she? Is she in Idaho?"

Guy: "Yeah."

Loud guy:
"Ask her if she works in a hotel! Dude, ask her if she works in a hotel!" (guffaws)

Guy: "No."

Loud guy: "Who is that? Who is it?"

Guy. "Mary Alice."

Loud guy: "She called me a dork! She doesn't even know who I is! Um, am."

- On the bus

-- Overheard by Specklet

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Back in the shop

Patient (inaudible but exasperated sounding):
"...well then I felt it tear again and figured I better come in here."

Nurse (long pause):
"Well that at least was a good idea."

- Emergency Room at Milwaukie Regence Hospital

-- Overheard by Kristen

Better half

Two girls sitting behind me in class, chatting while people still trickle in:

Girl 1: "Tea without honey is like you without me. Worthless."

- Portland State

-- Oveheard by Nuru

Make my day

I was watching my son play in a high school junior varsity football game, about a month ago, in Cedar Mill, when I overheard this exchange between a couple of girls, about 14 or 15 years old:

Girl #1: "Marcus is in jail."

Girl #2: "What did he do now?"

Girl #1: "He shot somebody in the leg. He was going to shoot him in the head but his gun jammed."

- Cedar Mill

-- Overheard by Mr69k69

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

And it's contagious

Girl, loudly explaining her problems to anyone who will listen:
"To my mom, everything has a disease. Even Jesus probably has a disease. "

- On #6

-- Overheard by Aaron

Monday, October 08, 2007

McDonald's is your kind of place

Sitting at an intersection one night waiting for the green light when I heard:

"MCDONALD'S HERE I COME!!!"

Look over to my left so see a teenage boy hanging out the passenger side window before speeding off to McDonalds.

- Intersection near 185th and HWY 26

-- Overheard by Danielle

Sunday, October 07, 2007

nuts

Two older ladies were looking around, confused, at Trader Joe's on 39th. They approached a guy who worked there:

Lady #1: "Excuse me, where are your nuts?"

TJ's guy: (points to himself) "Where are MY nuts?"

Lady #2: "No, where are THE nuts?"


-- Overheard by Cammie

V Mag

I am a student at PNCA, and I was standing at the back dock on 13th and Kearny when these three beefy guys walked out of the upper deck sports bar, and all I heard was:

"Dude you are nothing but a vagina magnet."

Overheard by sim+one, who writes "Nice... we laughed."

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Segway duo

I was walking to work downtown this morning, passing two of Portland’s Finest on Segways as they were riding toward each other. They stopped to talk and one says to the other:

“Does it hurt when they mock your Segway?”

Then they both laughed and rolled on!

- Overheard by Rachel

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

How about both?

"So what's hotter? Lesbians or sluts?"

- on #15

-- Overheard by Aaron

Monday, October 01, 2007

TMI

Woman on cell phone

"Hi Honey. Oh, did I wake you? Sorry, guess where me and your father are at! IKEA!! You wont believe how big it is... Huge!"

- In the stall next to me, Ikea restrooms

-- Overheard by imnverted

Boring, Oregon

Kid: "I don't wanna go! I'll be bored!"

Mom: "I'll be bored too."

Kid: "I don't wanna go! I'll be bored!"

Mom: "We'll be bored together."

Kid: "But I'll be bored!"

Mom: "Look, you do nothing. Then I'll do nothing. We'll be bored together."

Kid: "It's going to be boring!"

Mom: "Don't say anything to Daniel. Then I won't say anything to Daniel. It'll be boring."


- Outside my window

-- Overheard by Specklet

Jai guru deva om

2 girls, in their early twenties, walking out of the movie "Across the Universe"

Girl 1: "Wow...I'm going to drop out of law school and do drugs."
Girl 2: "Hahaha...(girl 1 doesn't laugh.) Wait, are you serious?"
Girl 1: "Completely."

- Bridgeport Village Regal Cinemas
-- Overheard by Anonymous

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Zoobomber

Overheard in a car, a couple in the backseat were talking quietly when the woman, out of no where, shouts:

'Yeah...YEAH! Let's go fuck up some zoos!!!'

- Overheard by Ali

Deniable plausibility

Chola mom:
"....if they believed our story, they wouldn't have arrested us!"

- The Bins

-- Overheard by LAB

Final countdown

A well dressed lady with two kids steps onto the streetcar.

Homeless man one#1: "3 days!"
Lady: "Uh, yes. 3 days!"
Homeless man #2: "3 days?"
Homeless man #1: "3 days. Three. D-E-Z. 3 days."
Homeless man #2: "Why is it always 3? Never 4, or 5, or -(pause)-7."
Homeless man #1: "3. Like the number of gods, man."
Homeless man #2:"Oh, yeah. Amen!"
Homeless man #1: "Follow me, brother!"
Homeless man #2: "I don't follow nobody but Jesus."
Homeless man #1: "Word. Come on."

(The two men depart the streetcar)

Homeless man #1 (shouting): "2 days!"

Lady, to children: "See? In Portland, you can have an intellectually stimulating conversation anywhere."

- Portland StreetCar

-- Overheard by Seal

Friday, September 28, 2007

The business

This I overheard riding the MAX a few weeks ago:


20-something #1: "So I saw ALL his business!"

20-something #2: "SICK, SICK, SICK! (yelling)"

20-something #3: "Was, he like, selling something?"

20-something #2: "Not that kind of business you fucktard."

20-something #3: "What?!"

20-something #1: "I saw his dick you dumbshit. His dick, his balls, the whole fucking business! It was nasty."

20-something #3: "In his briefcase?!"

20-something #2: "You are so stupid."

And so it went...before they got to the part where they had to explain to the dumb one that the guy was a pervert who liked to flash people on the MAX.

- Overheard by Jenn

Well, that changes everything

Teen girl:
"Oh my god my dad was on my phone. I am _so_ in trouble."

Teen guy, turning towards her:
"Wait! Today is national alpaca day."

- On MAX

-- Overheard by Aaron

Sounds like a party

Woman on cell phone:

" ... with tequila, chocolate, and a guy in matador pants."

- In front of the PSU library

-- Overheard by Greg

Deep Water

Two middle aged women talking about why the water in West Linn tastes so bad.

Woman 1: "You know why our water tastes so bad right?'

Woman 2: "Something is wrong with our pipes?"

Woman 1: "No, they allow ducks to poop in our water. The water is kept in an open area so ducks come swim in it and poop."

Woman 2: "Oh my gosh! No wonder!"

Woman 1: "Yeah so that's why I boil my water for EVERYTHING."

Woman 2: "Oh I am going to start doing that! I don't want to drink duck poop!"


- Bus #35

-- Overheard by Jennifer, who writes: "What a bunch of idiots."

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Hobo shoutings

A homeless fellow downtown near Powell's at 10 p.m., talking to himself with surprising coherence (if not sanity):

"KOOL-AID! OH YEAH!
You're going to have to get out of the back of my trailer, Kool Aid Man. I don't trust a man who busts in through the wall."

- Overheard by Abner

Dragon Breath

Stoner metalhead kid is explaining a song he wrote to some friends:
"Yeah dude I just wrote this freaking epic song, bro! So it's this really intense song called the dragon of frostfire, which now that I think about it, doesn't make any sense. The frost and the fire sorta just cancel each other out, and you have this dragon with, like, this nice lukewarm breath. it would breath on you and you'd just be like 'ahhhhh thats nice'."

"Fuck--I need to write a new song."

- At my school courtyard at lunch

-- Overheard by tobias

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Overheard at the Oregonian

I just wanted to note that this blog was featured in the Oregonian newspaper today.

Thanks to all our readers and contributers!

Tweaker advice

As I'm putting on my helmet and getting on my scooter outside Powell's:

Strung Out Tweaker:
"You shouldn't ride those...those are DANGEROUS!"

- Overheard by Jordan

These boots are made for walkin'

Girl (well dressed and wearing expensive looking boots, walks up and joins the Boy at table):
"Can you tell me something?"

Boy: "Maybe."

Girl:
"Why is it that in the last two days, multiple people in wheelchairs have given me, like, the death stare?"

Boy: "I don't know. ...Maybe it's your boots."

- PSU Fishbowl

-- Overheard by Nuru

Gunner Mysteries

A mom with her 4 year old son get on the bus & sit behind a dad with his 4 year old son. The boy with his father asks the other boy what his name is. The boy with his mom is too shy to answer so his mother answers for him:

"His name is Gunner as in gun."

- On the #20 bus yesterday

-- Overheard by Francis

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Positively Pavlovia

Woman, getting into car:
"It doesn't matter if it's an hour or five fucking minutes. The phone rings, and I have to pee."

- Outside Floyd's Coffee Shop

-- Overheard by b!X

Got my piece on me

Skater dude, early 20s, reeks of what I'm assuming was Body Spray, on his phone:
"Yeah, so I just drank a 40oz. and a Sparks, so I'm feelin' pretty good. Now I'm gonna go zoobomb....Do you have any herbals? I got my piece on me...I drank $90 of vodka the other night. I've been on a 2-week drinking binge. ... I gotta tell ya somethin. I'm a daddy! Oh, yeah, I already told ya..." [his phone dies in the tunnel, thankfully]

- On the MAX going into Portland @ 4pm today

-- Overheard by the Blankenships

Monday, September 24, 2007

So, she went out of town for the weekend?

"Outside my cube this morning:

Woman 1: "What did you do this weekend?"

Woman 2: "I slept with a superstar!"

- At the office

-- Overheard by Laura

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Laugh a minute

Man: "Cholera is breaking out in Basra."

Woman: "Why do you say just things?"

Man: "It's here in the paper, I find it funny."

- Downtown coffee shop

-- Overheard by Brad

Mortal sin

Loud girl on cell phone:
"Girl! I went to the carnival on Lombard last night, and I spent WAY too much money."
[pause]
"No seriously, I can't tell you, I'm embarrassed."
[pause]
"OK....[long dramatic pause] I spent sixteen dollars."
[muffled shouting through cell phone]
"I know! I'm ashamed. I'm on my way to confession now."
[pause]
"OK! See you at Betty Ford's!"

- On the #17, 7:30am

-- Overheard by Junniper

Thursday, September 20, 2007

You only give me your funny paper

(Homeless couple--all shouted loudly, start to finish)

Man, seated on steel-topped city trashcan:
"Well, what DO you want?!"

Woman, pacing the sidewalk in front of him:
"You know, I never wanted any Hundred-dollar shoes. I just want somewhere to LIVE!"

Man clangs lid of garbage can and erupts angrily and incoherently.

- Broadway and Washington

-- Overheard by wizzlepig

420

Smiling Woman (to me and my wife):
"Hey, do you smoke pot?"

Me: "No..."

Smiling Woman:
"Oh, ok. Because I have a lot of extra pot that I'm trying to give away." (walks away)

(She tried the next guy who walked out of Hollywood video with the same line)

- Outside Hawthorne Hollywood Video, 2 weeks ago

-- Overheard by Joel

Must be the periodicals

"Don't you know, 90% of dominatrix are librarians?"

- Overheard by Kate

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Cave talk

Drunk boyfriend: "We need to plan our next move."

Drunk girlfriend: "I want to go fuck."

Guy at bar: "That's no way to start an argument."

- MuMu's

-- Overheard by Rich

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

No respect

"It's like no one respects us bitches, you know?"

- On th#6

-- Overheard by Aaron

Sunday, September 16, 2007

no "borderline" about it

Man [in line behind woman downtown after lending her a nickel]:
You know... I'm borderline..."

Woman: "Borderline what?"

Man: "Borderline nymphomaniac."

- Rite-Aid by the square

-- Overheard by: Sweeeeeeeeeet

Friday, September 14, 2007

Who knew?

Man: "There's no such thing as vegan bacon."

Woman: "They use bacon bits, which are vegan."

Man: "Bacon bits aren't vegan."

Woman: "Yeah they are. You didn't know that?"

- Outside Wellesley Court Apartment

-- Overheard by b!X

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Setting a good example

"Oh my god I don't understand why my kids aren't popular!"

- Phone conversation coming from Ladies room stall at Holiday Inn

-- Overheard by Kai

Must be something in the water

Five year old girl:
"Teenagers, and young people, are sometimes strange.... in this city".

Overheard by Meghan, who writes: "This was from a girl I was babysitting, after we heard some yelling from some boys on the street."

Monday, September 10, 2007

not YET, anyway

LOUDEST GIRL ALIVE (overheard during a full-volume concert from a full 30 feet away):
"I'm not a librarian!"

Her friend:
"Me either! Wooooo!"

- Crystal Ballroom

-- Overheard by molly

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Goose Rider

(Teenage girl is sitting on a goose statue at the MAX station by Lincoln High School.)

Random guy: "It's only fair if he can ride you too."

Teenage girl: "Uhhh...."

- Overheard by Alyssa

Friday, September 07, 2007

Aint no cheap Ho

Waiting for the bus at 50th and Division, a couple crossed Division and the car at the light honked once. The woman came over to talk to the driver, the man kept walking. The woman stood there for a few moments and then walked away angrily and yelled out:

"I cost fifty dollars, not twenty-five!"

-- Overheard by Elizabeth

Thursday, September 06, 2007

He happens to be a boxer

Delivery guy: "My dog likes it when you punch him in the back."

- Office building downtown

-- Overheard by Jen

Something wonderful

Woman addressing two middle-aged gentlemen:
"Excuse me. Are you two Viet Nam vets?"

Gentlemen: "Well yes we are."

Woman (extending her hand): "Thank you and welcome home."

- Westbound morning MAX

-- Overheard by Dyana, who writes:
"While I don't support the current war in Iraq, or the Viet Nam war, I do think our military men and women deserve our sincerest gratitude for laying their lives on the line in order to protect us. I was deeply moved by this woman's comment as were the veterans she thanked who may have waited nearly 40 years to hear that gratitude expressed."

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

The sandy wiles

Guy: "Yeah, so through the sandy wiles of the Himalayas. Didn't get a scratch on me."

- Outside my window

-- Overheard by Specklet

Learning How to Be Patient

"I'm trying to learn how to be patient but it's driving me crazy."

- Animal at the Scoreboard

-- Overheard by Kai

Monday, September 03, 2007

Anyway

Woman with bulging 23rd shopping bags #1:
"Cuz if you're poor but you STILL want to, like, fight something, what do you do?"

Woman with bulging 23rd shopping bags #2:
"Oh my god. I don't know."

Woman #1: "Anyway, we're getting the boat. the mortgage is bad, but it's a boat and we need it."

- Coffee time on nw 21st

-- Overheard by heather r

Saturday, September 01, 2007

If he had a Prius, we'd cut him a break

At an intersection downtown, the light turns red and as people are beginning to cross the street, a man on his mobile in an SUV runs the red light.

Nicely dressed business man ahead of me:
"You fucking asshole! Christ! Get off your phone!"

Woman behind him: "They're just people."

Business man: "I swear, they're better off driving drunk than on the phone."

- On the corner of 6th & Taylor

-- Overheard by Dyana

Beached

Drunk middle-aged woman #1:
"You're acting like an old woman."

Drunk middle-aged woman #2:
"Well, I'll tell you. I have to go to the beach with this person and her ass is the size of a whale and she talks non-stop."

Woman #1: "Is she a friend of yours?"

Woman #2: "Does she sound like a friend of mine?"

Overhead at a restaurant by: E

Friday, August 31, 2007

Not how you want to start your day

From one bicyclist to another:
"...I rode through a pile of human shit this morning downtown..."

- Overheard on my front porch as they were riding past

-- Overheard by Pam

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Drunk girls

Drunk girl #1: "We should do some opium, it makes you smart and shit."

Drunk girl #2: "I'm down."

- La Costita Restaurant

-- Overhead by Esther

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

So, Is It Fried?

Southern Accent Man:
"Ain't nobody eat no fruit in the south, its all fried, double fried and doublefuck fried."

- The Basement Pub

-- Overheard by b!X

Singular mission

"Your only job today is to make sure at lunchtime that I get some shrimp."

- At Southwest WA Medical Center

-- Overheard by Aaron

Monday, August 27, 2007

Keep Portland Weird and Eternally Damned

Well-churched lady talking to her husband gossiping about various people and mentioning "burning in the lakes of fire" ... with obvious disdain mentions Portland:
"I heard in that in Portland they have bumper stickers that say: Don't change us - we're strange ...?"

- Reno Airport

-- Overheard by Mike

Face it

Gal:
"Umm, sorry about that."

Guy:
"Geez, I usually have pay for boobs in the face!"

- Bar Fly Bus

-- Overheard by Rich

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Max dementia

On a MAX in transit between Old Town and Lloyd Center:

A shrieking man gets on in Old Town:

(Insert Joan Rivers voice here) "Oh Oh Oh Oh Gawd I almost had a heart attack. Oh Oh Oh Gawd. Oh Oh Oh."

The wild-eyed transient sitting across from me:

"Something's wrong with that guy. He must have smoked too much. Must have a hole in his lung. Oh Oh he sounds like Santa Claus."

"He'd better not have a heart attack here. We'll throw him in the Willamette. Man that guy's messed up."

Gazing out towards the river he says to no one in particular:

"Hey, whatever happened to The River Queen? That was a nice place. What happened to The River Queen? I liked that place. Hey, whatever happened to Farrell's? What happened to Farrell's? This is ice cream weather. What happened to Farrell's? They could have sold it to me. I would have bought it. What happened to The River Queen?"

From the back of the train, the man having the heart attack cries out:

"We are living in a material world and I am a Material Girl. "

- Eastbound MAX train 2:30pm, August 23

-- Overheard by Dyana

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Redneck mother

All statements made by a very drunk, older woman:

1) “I don’t really like the cocksucker but he makes sense sometimes.”

2) “If I want to take a nap on my lunch break, it’s my prerogative."

3) “What would you do if a guy was slumped over on your grass? You’d try to run him over too and you better have a gun.”

4) “The state recognizes gay marriage – Why SHOULDN’T I marry my sister?”

- In a bar in the St. John's neighborhood

-- Overheard by Breanna

Boob envy

Fifty-something woman standing outside an office building, smoking a cigarette, to me as I walked by:

"You look lovely, my dear. I wish I had boobs. Boy, I just said that out loud, didn't I?"

- Overheard by Elizabeth

Bag boy

Said by a thick-rimmed-glasses-wearing, homely, pubescent boy gathering up grocery carts outside Fred Meyer to a work associate:

"... but my face is too well known around here. If I did have to take someone down tho, they wouldn't be getting up any time soon. I'd go for the windpipe first..."

- Overheard by Bpaul

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Somewhere inside a strange nexus of wtf?

Guy: "That night, I learned that erectile dysfunction can be caused by remorse."

Not 2 minutes later....

Another Guy: "DIDN'T I HAVE A PIZZA LAST NIGHT MUTHAFUCKAH?! DIDN'T I?!"

- 7-11 quickie mart

-- Overheard by Justin

Monday, August 20, 2007

You go, girl!

[immediately after having a very vocal orgasm] Two guys:
"Woo hooooooo! Yeah! You go, girl! Damn!"

- Outside my window

-- Overheard by Specklet

Hallmark of Postminimalism

"It's the perfect bachelor pad. I don't have any furniture in there."

- On the Max

-- Overheard by Aaron

Offspring

Middle-aged man:
"I made the mistake of letting my grandkids come over Saturday. They are nothing but little virus factories."

- On the 36 South Shore bus through Lake Oswego

-- Overhear by Micah

Friday, August 17, 2007

Final Destination

Man: "How far are we going?"

Woman: "To the end, to the end."

- Portland Street Car

-- Overheard by paul

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Feel the burn

On SE Belmont near Zupan's 30 something couple walking dogs while having the following 'heated' conversation:

He: ". . .well sex is exercise."

She: "Actually, no it's not, I've googled it, it doesn't really count."

He: "It is too, it gets your heart rate up. You just need to stay on it."

"Feel the burn."

- Overheard by Barb

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

And your mother

Man yelling very loudly:
"Well, fuuuuuuuck you! [long pause] AND your mother!"

- Outside my window

-- Overheard by Specklet

Monday, August 13, 2007

I Heart Portland

"I love Portland because of the hippies and meth."

- Scoreboard Tavern

-- Overheard by Kai

Sunday, August 12, 2007

From both sides now

Mentally ill woman (yelling):
"How much more can a person take? I'm had vomit and diarrhea coming out of me every day since June 7th."

- Pharmacy department at Rite Aid on Lombard and Denver

-- Overheard by JBJ

Saturday, August 11, 2007

R E S P E C T

Mentally-Ill Woman, To No One:
"I don't want your respect, bitch. I just want your death."

- Floyd's Coffee Shop

-- Overheard by b!X

What? No Ordnance?

Kid:
"Dad, these airplanes are boring. When are they going to drop some bombs?"

- Hillsboro Air Show

-- Overheard by Rich

Friday, August 10, 2007

Big Love

Woman:
"We hate each other. We call each other names. We've alienated our fucking neighbors. And I've already hit him in the face a couple of times."

- Anna Banannas

-- Overheard by Rich

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Flat fee

Woman:
"I'm like, OK, I'll cancel my breast augmentation appointment, bitch!"

- Anna Bannanas

-- Overheard by Rich

Sunday, August 05, 2007

hobby HO

Woman who bummed a ride after locking her keys in her car:
"I'm going to get a room, smoke some coke, and masturbate all afternoon."

Horrified driver:
"Ahh, yeah. Everbody needs a hobby."

- MLK Blvd

-- Overheard by Good Sam

Friday, August 03, 2007

Scenes from a marriage

Woman on cell:
"And I said 'blah blah blah' and he said 'blah blah blah blah blah' and then I said 'blah blah blah blah blah.'"

Overheard by sue

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Bo po po po po!

Dad: "Whatcha got there? A stick? ... NO!"

Mom: "No no no no no no!"

Dad: "We don't do that with sticks."

Tiny kid: "Ohhhh bo po po po po!"

- Outside my window

-- Overheard by Specklet

Roots Rock Reggae

Guy in the street:
"What you know about reggae music? What you know about reggae music? WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT REGGAE MUSIC? Throw me some beats and I'll show you some moves!"

- Outside my fucking window at 12:30 a.m.

-- Overheard by LAB

Monday, July 30, 2007

Oppression is oppression

Very, VERY drunk black guy who's being taken away by security after drinking from one of the overpour buckets:

"These motherfuckers are brewing some oppression up in here!!"

- Brewfest

-- Overheard by Jay

Pounds melt off with every sip

Big woman sporting a muffin top, sloppily eating a Bratwurst:

"Are there any light beers being featured this year?"

- Brewfest

-- Overheard by Jay

Pottymouth

Little girl in a stroller about 2 1/2, speaking to caretaker:
"Shut the fuck up."

Caretaker (laughing a bit):
"Hey. I love you"

Little girl:
"Shut the fuck up, shut the FUCK up, shut the FUCK up." (laughing)

Caretaker (to horrified passengers):
"Oh, ha ha she learned that in daycare. We just ignore it. "

Little girl (leaning over in stroller and spitting several times on the floor):
"Shut the FUCK up. Shut the FUCK up, Shut the FUCK up". (Spits on the floor a few more times before continuing her mantra.)

Caretaker: (Calling the father of this child on her cell phone):
"Yeah, she's saying shut the "F" up, you know, in that cute little voice of hers."

- Eastbound MAX on way home from work 7/25/07

-- Overheard by Dyana, who writes:
(At this point, I am waiting for the girl's head to rotate 360, and for her to puke pea soup.)

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Borrowing cloth

Woman (to friend):
"Why'd you tell Grandma I'm wearing her underwear?!"

- In the middle of the street in front of my old house

-- Overheard by el diablo

If this van's a rockin'

"I don't want a rape van; I want a shaggin' wagon."

- In the parking lot behind the 24-hour coffee shop on Powell

-- Overheard by Elizabeth

Friday, July 27, 2007

Ties

In line in the section 105 mens room of PGE Park last night, the Timbers having just finished a 0-0 game:

Guy at the top of the line: "Man, I hate ties."

*pause*

Second Guy in front of me looks around: "Who's wearing a tie?"

Me: "Draws. He hates draws."

Second guy: "Oooohhhh."

- Overheard by Ryan

Do that to me one more time

Young woman standing facing the streetcar doors, talking on her cell phone, oblivious to the rest of the riders:

"Oh yeah? I'll beat you up ... Yes, just like last night ... Oh, you liked that, did you?"

- Portland streetcar, Thursday morning

-- Overheard by Paul

The Preacher from Poltergeist?

Standing on the corner smoking, and this guy walks up stops in front of me and in a very monotone soft voice says:

HIM:
"You are in a good place. You are right where you are supposed to be. May the light be with you."

ME: "Thank you."
(Thinking he'd be on his way. He takes a few steps, turns back around steps closer to me.)

HIM:
"God wanted me to talk to you more. He wanted me to tell you that he expects to see you on Sunday."

ME: "Yeah?"

HIM:
"He said yes, He expects to see you at 4397(?) NW Couch St."

ME: "Great sounds like a plan!"

HIM:
"Great I expect to see you there."

- Overheard by Amanda (Creeped out now)

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Supersize me!

A girl around 10 years old and a friend are picking out candy with a mom.

Mom (to daughter's friend):
"I didn't know you liked candy so much!"

Friend:
"I do, but I like salty things more. Give me a bag of Doritos, which I never get, but I would eat the whole thing!"

Mom:
"You never get Doritos? How is your dad raising you?! No TV, no junk food? I think I'll have to call Child Services, that HAS to be child abuse."

- Walgreen's on N. Lombard

-- Overheard by gewurzgrrl

Bunny Butt

Girl in wheelchair to companion re: odd statue at OHSU:

"Look at the bunny with butt cheeks! Look at the bunny with butt cheeks! ...I think it represents beastiality."

- OHSU

-- Overheard by Marianna

Seven years bad luck

Woman #1: "Why are you walking in the street?"

Woman #2: "I'm superstitious about walking under a ladder."

Woman #2: "Would you step on a crack?"

Woman #1: "No. But I did break a mirror over my head when I was eight."

- Green Room

-- Overheard by Rich

Mental Image

Kind of sketchy-looking guy yelling into a cell phone, downtown:

"Well, I'm going to be there, and when I get out of the shower, I will be NAKED!"

- Downtown

-- Overheard by Rosengrants

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

YOU! Out of the gene pool!

A 20-something couple takes advantage of a break in traffic to cross against the light on NW 23rd in front of the stopped bus. The driver casually admonishes:
"No jay walking in front of the bus."

They each give a friendly "sorry" as they pay the fare. Then the woman conversationally asks the driver:
"So, how does it work- the crosswalk?"

- On the 17

-- Overheard by April

Monday, July 23, 2007

For the man who has everything

(someone yelling):
"I brought you peanuts and toilet paper as a peace offering and what did you bring me? Nothing! You brought me nothing! What does that say about our relationship?"

- Coming out of a 2nd floor window near 18th & Salmon

-- Overheard by Michael

Substance in the way

Woman: "You know, I wish I was more superficial."

- Orenco Station

-- Overheard by Rich

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Green around the gills

Bra-less woman in a too-tight pink polo shirt (to her boyfriend):
"I asked Karl what his new girlfriend looked like, and he didn't even hesitate, he just said, 'Shrek'!"

- On the #6 bus downtown

-- Overheard by Stephanie

Jail bait

"The only friend I have on my myspace page so far is that guy who got busted for statutory rape."

- Elevator of Eliot Tower

-- Overheard by Rob, who blogged about it here

Thursday, July 19, 2007

decisions, decisions

Tweaker to no one in particular:
"Which is better, Old Country Buffet or Izzys? It's so hard to choose. I just wanna get stuffed."

- Front of the #15 Belmont

-- Overheard by SaraFist

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Whoa

Two former army guys talking in statistics:

"It goes through the wall and then blows up."
"...so it's penetration, then explosion."

- Somewhere in Portland

-- Overheard by Ryan

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Law and Order

Yelling Man:
"Don't try to pick my pocket! I'm in the FBI! I have a badge! I know the Constitution! I COULD KILL YOU!"

- Across from Hal's Tavern

-- Overheard by b!X

Monday, July 16, 2007

Gay, maybe?

Heavyset, sweet looking "Mom", mid-50's, wearing subtle "Support Our Troops" outfit: white capri pants, red sandals, and a blue & white striped shirt; getting hot pink Betty Boop fabric cut at the counter...

Fabric Depot Employee (cutting fabric):
"Oh, that Betty Boop fabric is really cute...it could go with anything, with the black and white in it..."

Mom:
"I know, isn't is great? I am going to put it in a quilt for my son...he's been collecting Betty Boop stuff for years..."

- Fabric Depot on SE 122nd & SE Stark, Sunday afternoon (after church)

-- Overheard by Jayne

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Here's Lucy

"Wow, if Lucille Ball was born in 1911 she'd be like over 100 years old by now."

- Overheard by Brent while playing Beyond Balderdash at his house

book worm

Title: "At least it doesn't freeze like syphilis"

Mid-thirties reader: "It burns... it burns like chlamydia."

-Barnes and Noble

-- Overheard by head stuck in a book

Friday, July 13, 2007

Expensive shoes

"Oh, you like these shoes do you?
Negro, these shoes cost half your rent!"

- NE 17th and Killingsworth

-- Overheard by sparkleburnout

Tri-Meds

A crazy lady downtown, addressing the #17 bus:

"You stay there and shut up! No, you go to hell!"

- Overheard by Elizabeth

Monday, July 09, 2007

9 months before Troll Baby

"I would fuck myself. That would be the best fuck ever."

- Savoy Tavern and Bistro, Saturday night

-- Overheard by Elizabeth

Training bikini

"Tuck your tummy in!"

- Mother to 4-year old daughter in bikini at the Waterfront Blues Festival, July 4th

-- Overheard by Elizabeth

Half Asleep

"I must not be in Jerusalem because the TV is on and I don't owe you $20 bucks."

- On my couch after a friend half-way woke up from a nap.

-- Overheard by Kai

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Adventure charge

Elderly woman:
"Calm down dear, this is an adventure!"

Teenage girl next to her:
"This adventure sucks and I hope it ends soon. [my iPod battery] will be dead by the time we get there."

- On a MAX blue line train near the Rose Quarter around 11:30pm on Saturday

-- Overheard by Aaron

Gender Independence

Girl: "I stayed at home on the 4th of July and cried."

Guy: "I got drunk and set off illegal fireworks."

- Blue Moon Tavern

-- Overheard by Rich

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Mystery Meat

Server: "Did you need some menus?"

Blind customers: "We can't see them."

- Morrison Street Grill

-- Overheard by b!X

Thursday, July 05, 2007

You're sick, man

Homeless pair at the Halsey St offramp:

Sign holder's friend: "Know what I'm gonna do when I get home?"

Sign Holder: "Jack off?"

Sign holder's friend: "Why you say shit like that?"

Sign holder: "'Cause I'm a nasty motherfucker."


- Overheard by Erik

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

phone tip

Bartender on phone in one of those tiny little bars at Kennedy School, presumably handling a charity solicitation call:

"Yeah, well, I'm not a generous person, so you're wasting your time."

- Overheard by himself

Monday, July 02, 2007

Please keep your knees together for the duration of the flight

Teenage girl:
"She told me to put my feet down during takeoff. How was I supposed to know I shouldn't do it for the rest of the flight?"

- Fruition

-- Overheard by Rich

Saturday, June 30, 2007

good to be king

Man to guy in Elvis costume:

"Yo, Elvis! Welcome back!"

Elvis: "Well, thank you very much."

- NW 23rd & Everett

-- Overheard by Rich

Smells like teen spirit

Group of rather skanky looking teenaged girls are sitting on the train. One girl announces loudly:

"I can't believe we used all my deodorant. I mean, what the fuck."

Eastbound rush hour MAX
Overheard by Dyana

Friday, June 29, 2007

Pick up and deliver

Female taxi dispatcher on the radio:
"OK, I have an undefined one here and I want see if I can get a volunteer; there's a woman in the Pearl district in labor and she needs a ride to Emanuel Hospital."

(static)

Dispatcher: "458, are you sure you want someone to have a baby in your car?"

- PDX airport

-- Overheard by Rich

an impromptu one-act play about literacy

Yuppie #1: "... also, he's very well-read."

Yuppie #2: "Meaning?"

Yuppie #1: "He, you know, reads a lot of books."

Yuppie #2 (speaking slowly carefully):
"Oh. I assumed you meant he, ah, understood what he read really fast and good and so on. As in "well-liked".

Yuppie #1: "Nuh-uh. So where should we go for drinks?"

- Got Pho

-- Overheard by Charlie

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Caniform hygiene

Woman:
"She got to take a bath with him & was able to get her bear washed."

- Westside Red Line Max train going downtown around 6:45 am

-- Overheard by Janet, who writes:

"I e-mailed this overheard comment to my spousal unit noting that I've been in the band tooooo long. He said I should send it in. From what I overheard after that remark, I think the woman was talking about a baby girl & a toy bear."

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

D'oh Nut

Woman inside an apartment:
"I didn't eat any candy today, baby! ...Well, I did have a doughnut. But that's because I was out of milk for my cereal."

- SE 15th and Belmont

-- Overheard by b!X

Monday, June 25, 2007

You have to say this one out loud

Customer: "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

Employee: "Sure."

Customer: "Do you know if you have any black caulk here?"

- Beaverton Home Depot

--Overheard by Laura Cincinnati

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Better than cake

Mother to small child:

"First we're going to get you some kitty and doggy food for your birthday alright?"

- Entrance to Petco

-- Overheard by Taterlain

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Portland = Homoville?

Young stabby hobo yelling at no one in particular:

"Get out of Homoville! This ain't worldwide!"

- Max stop at Pioneer Square

-- Overheard by Justin

Guns 'n Santa Rosa

Crazy Woman: "Didn't I see you in Santa Rosa?"

Average Dude: "Umm, no..."

Crazy Woman: "Do you have a gun?"

Average Dude: "WHAT?"

Crazy Woman: "What are doing?"

Average Dude: "Getting lunch."

Crazy Woman: "Alright, rock out!"


-Lunch carts on Alder

-- Overheard by Jordana

Rrrrrr

Conversation between 2 teenagers:

boy: "So you've HEARD of butt pirates?"

girl: "Well, yeah but I've never actually spoken to one."

- Pioneer Courthouse on Saturday night

-- Overheard by Ms. Blake Buchanan-Munro

crabby

Woman on cell:
"Well, the whole family's pretty close, so any one of us could have crabs."

- Bethany QFC

-- Overheard by Nicole who writes:
"If I hadn't heard this myself, I wouldn't believe it."

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Perfect couple

Large white woman speaking to her small Mexican husband:

"I'm bleeding."

(Pokes at her husband who ignores her.)

"Heyyy, I'm bleeding from my neck. Don't you care?"

(Husband puts headphones on and looks out the window.)

"I wish I knew you didn't speak English before I married you!"

- On the Blue Max at City Center

-- Overheard by Corwin

Unbiased education

Man:
"The malaria epidemic spread from Sitka in California, which means it clearly came from the Russians...those sons of bitches."

- PCC

-- Overheard by Justin

Line, color, texture, shape, form, space, and value!

Carpool driver, noticing woman at bus stop:
"She has art between her legs."

- On the commute home, somewhere downtown

-- Overheard by b!X

Friday, June 15, 2007

WTF?

Guy on the train (to no one in particular):
"Does anyone know of a place to donate plasma that opens before 7am?"

Me: "No, sorry, I don't."

Guy: "Aww man, they lied to me!"

Me: "Well maybe you could call a local hospital and they could direct you."

Guy: "I'm just kidding you."

- MAX, headed downtown this morning

-- Overheard by cabernet4me

With great power comes great responsibility

Two pretty twentysomething girls riding east:

Girl in back: "EWWWWWW!"

Girl in front: "It wasn't me! I take responsibility for all of my actions. Including farts."

- On SE Salmon and 15th

-- Overheard by martin

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Polygamy Penchant in PDX

Guy (to two girls and another guy waiting for Streetcar):
"Hey, I really respect a guy who has two wives."

One girl: "That's my brother!"

Guy: "Oh. I still think it's cool to have two wives."

- Overhead by Jen

Recycling

Employee 1: "Why'd you throw that out? It's recyclable."

Employee 2: "I can never remember what's recyclable."

Employee 1: "Anything that tears" goes in the recyling bin, remember?"

Employeee 2: "Yeah, yeah."

Employee 1: "So when I rip you a new one for not recycling, that can go in there too."


- My office

-- Oveheard by purplelamb

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

$2 zoo day attracts the brightest elements

Teenage boy: "Zebras! They're the next best thing to unicorns!"

Teenage girl: "So, are they black, or are they white?"

Teenage boy: "They're from Africa, so they're black."

- Zebra enclosure at the Oregon Zoo

-- Overheard by SaraFist

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Not on our team

Waiter:
"So, the first thing I do when I visit someone's house is go looking for their porn stash. And so I get there and I'm like hunting around and I'm like, ewww! Dude porn."

- MuMu's

-- Overheard by Rich

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Next, on The View

Two women are seated across from a guy, and one of them says:

"Well, we're not crazy and we have vaginas."

- Walking by outdoor tables in the Pearl on First Thursday

-- Overheard by Paul

QP theory

Guy #1:
"My lady friend is telling me that I'm never going to get any until I have a nice big bed at home."

Guy #2:
"There might be something to that. I read this book called If the Buddha Dated and I think it talked about us first needing a spiritual nest or something like that."

Guy #1:
"What? So now I'm supposed to believe in Quantum Pussy?"

- MuMu's

-- Overheard by Rich

Clean and sober

Guy #1: "...You gotta clean yo' fingernails up!"

Guy #2: "Mmm-hmm."

Guy #1: "You stop smokin' crack, you clean yo' toes up nice too!"

- SW 4th & Main

-- Overheard by LAB

menage a trois

Guy putting chairs up on tables:

"So, you can't talk your husband into two guys?"

- Mia Gelato

-- Overheard by Rich

imperial purple

Upper management guy, early 50’s, Catholic and clean-cut:

“Is Michael here? He’s supposed to be in this meeting. And he better be wearing purple, cuz Rick and I are.”

- At my desk

-- Overheard by Pezolator

Friday, June 08, 2007

So there were these three Indians on a bus...

Conversation between three older Native American men:

First man: "Yeah, we're all good Indians."

Second man: "All Indians are good Indians."

Third man: "What are you talking about? We're all going to hell. In a handbasket."

First man: "(laughs) No, I'm going to the Spirit!"

Second man: "I'm going to Astoria."

Third man: "Now that's a long way off."

- On the #15 bus heading downtown

-- Overheard by Elizabeth

Thursday, June 07, 2007

GPS a bottleblonde

From a bottleblonde on a cell phone in 4" platform/stiletto cork-soled sandals and painted-on jeans, standing on a corner near PSU:

"How do you know I spent 'way too much time' at the Starbucks?

you have a GPS on me?
you have a GPS on me?
you have a GPS on me?
you have a GPS on me?

(pauses for a breath and dramatic effect)

Do you have a GPS up my butt, ha?"

- Overheard by Brandon

Hey, Sailor!

Girl #1:
"It's the Rose Festival, remember? Fleet Week and all that crap."

Girl #2:
"I totally forgot about Fleet Week! We need to take you downtown!"

- Berlin Inn

-- Overheard by SaraFist

Tastes like chicken

Not-so-Hipster Chick (taking a bite of someone's food):
"Oh my god, that chicken is terrible!"

Hipster Chick: "That's because it's tofu."

No-so-Hipster Chick: "Yeah, worst chicken ever."

- Laurelwood in SE

-- Overheard by SaraFist

Put that in the Pre-Nup

Two 20-something blondes:

"I think it's good we called off the wedding."
"Yeah, marriage probably wasn't the best idea."
"I wonder if I would have actually gone through with it."
"Do you seriously think you would have?!?"
"Well, maybe..."
"But he slept with me right after he proposed to you!"
"Yeah, I guess."
"And he went up my ass!"

- University of Portland -- a Catholic university, no less

-- Overheard by Junniper

Monday, June 04, 2007

Day planner

Homeless guy #1 to homeless guy #2:

"My calendar is looking clear that day. How does your's look?"

- Food Front

-- Overheard by Rich

baby-daddy

Girl with Tongue Stud, on cell phone:

"Tell her to go find her baby-daddy and leave us the fuck alone!
No! You tell her to go find her baby-daddy..."

- SE 39th near Hawthorne

-- Overheard by Marianna

Next to the winery that makes wine

Fortyish Tigard woman to male companion:
"Oh, they just opened a new brew pub near my house called 'Fanno Creek Brew Pub' and they even brew beer there!"

- On Max near PGE park, evening of 6/2

-- Overheard by Brian

Thursday, May 31, 2007

16 will get you 20

Girl One: "Fuck up, I'm glad you broke it off. I'm sick of his faggety ass!"

Girl Two: "Hey at least my ex was my age, your ex was like 45!"

Girl One: "Hey, he was 43, okay?!"

Girl Three (laughing): "Yeah I'm glad too, he probably has a shriveled dick huh?"

Girl Two (laughing way too loud): "Ha yeah, saggy balls and shit."

Girl One: "No that's a myth."

Girl Two (suddenly very serious): "Oh. Well shit!"


- Walking away from Franklin's high school graduation Wednesday night

-- Overheard by Reid, who writes:
"These were very much high school-aged girls. Oh by the way, included in this group was Girl One's 9-ish year-old sister."

Scabies

Guy to Girlfriend:
"Does this look like scabies to you?"

Random Stranger on bench:
"I don't think you really need to worry about scabies unless you sleep outside all the time."

Guy: "Is scabies like an STD?"

Stranger on bench: "It can be."


- PGE Park Eastbound MAX station, 8:40 AM

-- Overheard by Jen

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Death Proof

Group of kindergarteners crossing the street and yelling at a waiting motorist:
"Don't kill us!"

- 24th and NW Thurman

-- Overheard by Rich

Monday, May 28, 2007

Bonding in the concession line

Two friends in line at the concession booth at the Laurelhurst Theater:

"Did you go to the barbecue yesterday?"

"Yeah, but it sucked. I told my girlfriend, everyone of those are the same. There's us there, and then like ten other couples, each with three kids."

A stranger standing in front of them in line turns around, bumps fists with the speaker and said,

"Hells yes."

- Overheard by browse

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Sunny side up

Homeless-type man to his friend:
"I want to eat her like a bacon-n-egg sandwich. (pause) She's got nice titties, too."

- On the #12 bus

-- Overheard by hula

Saturday, May 26, 2007

head east

Girl #1: "That's why I moved to Oregon. I make $13.27 an hour here!"

Girl #2: "Where did you live before?"

Girl #1: "Beaverton."

- At 820 two nights ago

-- Overheard by lol

Friday, May 25, 2007

At world's end

Stylist imitating a crackhead lady going on and on about her noisy housemate:

"She was clanking around in the bathroom half the night! Then she yelled out that she couldn't see out of her left eye. So I yelled through the door:
'You'll be lucky to see out of either eye after I get a hold of you, bitch!'"

- Bishops

-- Overheard by Rich

putty tat

Loud blonde girl:
"Aww...My vagina's like a little kitten that doesn't realize it's got claws yet!"

- At Shari's

-- Overheard by Justin

Thursday, May 24, 2007

You don't say?

Two guys discussing their weekend plans... one says to the other:

"I can bring my cast iron waffle maker. It's cast iron. And it makes waffles."

- Overheard by Sarah & Jason

Schoolyard biology 101

Guy to Girl: "Because urine is sterile and vag juice isn't!"

- Powells

-- Overheard by Ken, who writes:
"I didn't hear any of the context, and somehow, I'm kinda a glad I didn't."

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Animal husbandry

Girl giggling and amicably arguing with her friend on her cellphone:

"No, you CAN'T marry a pony!!"

- Off-campus near PSU

-- Overheard by Ashley, who writes:
"I really wish I could've heard the other side of the conversation. It was excellent."

the pile

Stripper: "I slept with this guy and now he won't call me back."

Guy: "Some guys are all about that."

Stripper: "What happened to that girl you used to come in here with?"

Guy: "I put her on the pile of wrecked women."

- Nicolai St Clubhouse

-- Overheard by Rich

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Only in PDX

"Do you have a cigarette? All I've got is this fake one I found on the ground. ...No? Well...do you have a light?"

- Waiting for the Max at N. Interstate and Albina

-- Overheard by d.

de-pressed

"Nothing is more infuriating than taking your clothes to get pressed and getting them back with a wrinkle."

- Some guy at Moxie who has a lot of 'first-world problems' and an amazing lack of perspective

-- Overheard by Plumpy

Eeeyukh!

"Go ahead. Try it. It's not bad."

"Eeeyukh! That's the worst thing I ever tasted! Why would anyone want to eat that?"

"That was the tofu hot-dog-like-thing that we're serving."

- Two grillers at the Interstate Ave. New Seasons "Benefit Barbeque" tasting the vegetarian alternative to hot dogs on offer

-- Overheard by Vickie

Friday, May 18, 2007

Vermin Vittles

Gleefully deranged security guard:
"I'm gonna feed this piece of bread to that rat!"

- Parking lot near downtown bar blocks, 10pm-ish

-- Overheard by Jen

Portland's Golden Years

Felony Flats guy:
"I was kickin' ass and takin' names later...you could live like that in the '80s and '90s."

- Red Line Max to City Center

-- Overheard by LAB

Thursday, May 17, 2007

We're more about non-violent, creative confrontation

"Oh, this isn't political. I'm with Greenpeace."

- Pioneer Square

-- Overheard by Aaron

Fly babies

Girl #1: "I wonder what would happen to the baby flies if the momma fly died?"

Girl #2: "I don't know... They might die too."

Girl #1: "Awwww."

- Couch Park

-- Overheard by Abigail

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Green Economy

Banker to another:
"So I guess you don't want to talk about that giant bag of pot in your briefcase."

- In front of Benson Hotel

-- Overheard by Clickmehard

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Shame on you, Mommy!

(Mom grabs blue chapstick)

3-year-old girl: "You need chapstick mommy?"
Mom: "Yup"
Girl: "Why didn't you get the pink one mommy? Don't you like the pink?"
Mom: "No, honey, I don't like pink."
Girl: "Mommy! Pink is for girls, blue is for boys!"
Mom: "I don't like pink."

(Girl puts her hands on her hips while in the shopping cart.)

Girl: "Mommy! You are in big trouble; you said a bad word!"
Mom: "What?"
Girl: "You said you don't like pink! Bad words!"

- Walmart on SE 82nd

-- Overheard by Sarah

No child left behind

Asian kid:
"...And it was fuckin like...(produces frantic crawling motions), and I was fuckin' like...(stabs the air repeatedly)...and then fuckin' like...this fuckin' shit happened and I was like 'holy shit this motherfucker fuckin' knows the Matrix and shit!' Fuck!!"

- At lunch

-- Overheard by Justin

Monday, May 14, 2007

Careful with that tacklebox!

Man 1: "Yeah I fish out on the Mckenzie. Took the poles out last weekend"

Man 2: "You fish with poles? I fish with hand grenades."

- In class

-- Overheard by Justin

Mother's Day

Clerk to man: "Are you looking for a mother's day card?"

Man: "Yeah and I want the one for a dollar fifty."

- Fred Meyer Hollywood

-- Overheard by Alan

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Arm Candy Seeks Shallow Hunk

Blond #1 to Blond #2:
"Face it. If either of us wanted to be married, we're not the type who'd have to spend ten years on e-Harmony."

- District

-- Overheard by Rich

You Lookin' At Me?

Man on the MAX to passenger:
"How ya doin' today?"

Passenger: "Good."

Man on the MAX to the passenger:
"I sure wish you'd quit staring at me."

- On an eastbound MAX

-- Overheard by Dyana

Friday, May 11, 2007

Decap

Dad and kids kicking basketballs in the yard; Dad kicks ball uphill and it misses toddler son by inches, blazing over his head.

Mom:
"You’re gonna take his head out with that ball! Oh, wait…here’s another one."

- Carter Park Area, Da Couve

-- Overheard by Johnnie Rx

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Well, yeah, duh!

"The world would be a better place if everyone wore pants."

- Garden Home house

-- Overheard by Sarah

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Cafe noir

Waiter:
"So what do you like about Portland?"

Customer:
"I like the unique places with character--you know, with some rough edges."

Waiter (drifting away):
"Like my service tonight."

-The Farm Cafe

-- Overheard by Robyn

Beach Blanket Bingo

Three young (20s) gay guys:

#1: "Hey! The ocean called! They are missing an Orca! Get back in the water!"

#2: "Bitch!"

#3: "C*nt!"

- At Sauvie Island on Monday May 7th… early afternoon.

-- Overheard by NoPo Guy

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

20-20 Hindsight

Waitress (holding up big jar of diet pills):
"Who's are these?"

Bartender:
"Oh. Those belong to name withheld."

Waitress:
"Are you kidding? She has the smallest ass I've ever seen."

- Blitz

-- Overheard by Rich

Monday, May 07, 2007

Wii tennis anyone?

Guy 1: "...no, I means this dude is old school."

Guy 2: "Like how old school?"

Guy 1: "Like so old school he plays tennis!"

- North45

-- Overheard by Brad

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Down, Woodrow

Gal: "I'm sorry. My (purse) straps keep sliding off on you."

Guy: "No worries. I think it's kind of sexy."

- District

-- Overheard by Rich

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Bada Bing

Guy #1:
"Hey Vito, you're looking pretty sharp in that suit. You out at the galleries tonight?"

Guy #2:
"Fuck that! All these women want to look at art? I got some fuckin' art right here!"

- First Thursday at District

-- Overheard by Rich

Friday, May 04, 2007

habeas corpus

Guy in the room: "We're going to need evidence to make a marketing claim like that."

Guy on the speakerphone: "Evidence is overrated."

Guy in the room: "You sound like George Bush!"

- At the office

-- Overheard by Rich

Short sighted

Guy: "Don't get me wrong, Shakira is really hot. But she's so damn short!"

Girl: "But she's hot."

Guy: "I know, but she'd need stilts to give me head. That's just not acceptable."

- In Beaverton

-- Overheard by Chelsea

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Friendly Skies

Old man (to girl with suitcase): "Are you going somewhere exciting?"

Girl with suitcase: "Not really. But when I get there, I'm getting laid."

- On the MAX Red Line to the Airport

-- Overheard by Aaron

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Landfill

Guy #1:
"I was reading that there are more people living in garbage dumps outside Mexico City than the populations of a lot of towns in the US."

Guy #2: "Couldn't be any worse than Detroit."

- Blitz

-- Overheard by Rich

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Barely Straight

20-something girl who works at Ross but was in line buying something:
"I'm barely straight so he gets what he gets."

- Standing in line at Ross on Cedar Hills in Beaverton

-- Overheard by micah

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Pyramid

Rambling Guy:
"So I started my own business. You heard of Quixtar? They used to be Amway but now they do everything online. I used to work at Target but now I'm on disability because I couldn't handle the stress. Anyway, with this business, you sell stuff that people need anyway like dog food and vitamins and stuff and the more people you get underneath you, the more the money just rolls in. Are you interested?"

Quiet Guy:
"Actually, I have a good job that pays really well."

Rambling Guy:
"So you won't be mad if I retire before you?"

- Orenco Station

-- Overheard by Rich

Friday, April 27, 2007

Heard this before

"Just stick it down my hole. Tell me if you need me to pull harder."

- Two men (presumably doing maintenance) in the crawlspace of a government building

-- Overheard by Aaron

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Business Plan

Skinny guy #1:
"I'm thinking our restaurant should have like, taxidermied animals and tomato plants and stuff."

Skinny guy #2:
"Way cool!"

Skinny guy #1:
"That way it could be like a museum of natural history full of the things people are eating, living or dead."

- 27th and Upshur

-- Overheard by Rich

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Looks just like his Dad

College girl studying a biology textbook:
"I could name my child 'Gonorrhea.'"

- Pix on Hawthorne

-- Overheard by LAB

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Gotcha!

"Overall it was a good weekend...my knees, ass and thumb hurt."

- Outside Crystal Ballroom (Air Concert)

-- Overheard by clickmehard

Monday, April 23, 2007

TMI All Around

Woman: "A friend came over last night. He stole $20 and my shoes. (pause) Was the necking that bad?"

- Ross Island Grocery & Cafe

-- Overheard by b!X

Sunday, April 22, 2007

FTD

Middle-aged dad with two toddler daughters in Dollar Tree browsing the shelves…

Youngest girl: "Look Daddy! Pretty ribbons & bows for if you’re dressing up."

Dad: "Look sweetie, pretty flowers. So, if you’re, like, dead…."

- Tigard Dollar Tree

-- Overheard by Johnnie Rx

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Oscar Mountie Weiner

Man to two horse-mounted police officers:

"Yo man, where the hot dogs at?"

- 1:23 a.m. April 21 at the corner of NW 5th and Couch

-- Overheard by Brandon

Friday, April 20, 2007

Hipster Logic

"It's not venacular enough to be speech."

- Corner of 16th and Brooklyn

-- Overheard by Kai

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Really?

"Elvis was a drywall salesman."

- Corner of Alder and 5th

-- Overheard by Amanda

Destination: Red State

A not all together chick in her late 20's chattering away to a stranger next to her:
"So like we'll get married this fall and then I'll get pregnant right away so I can give him the baby for like a birthday present but right now I'm living in like a foster home...Yeah and I'm like the only one who doesn't have someone with me when I go places--the rest are like in wheelchairs and stuff and see like Friday i am going to see my mom, I can't see her every day..."

- Bus Bench at the MTC

-- Overheard by QZ

In more than one way, apparently

Solitary, yet normal looking guy dancing and leaping about ballerina style, singing at the top of his lungs while grinning from ear to ear:

"Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Woo-dee-woo-dee-woo-dee-woo-dee-woo!
La-dee-da-dee-da-dee-da!
Tippy, tippy, toe! I'm so very, very queer!
Queer, queer, queer, queer, queer!!!"

- NW 21st & Lovejoy

-- Overheard by Rachel

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Married to the Mob

Woman: "My life is surreal. His life is about anger and priorities."

- Fruition

-- Overheard by Rich

Monday, April 16, 2007

Geographically Undesirable

California girl: "This is a great mall. Dude, I'd LOVE Portland if I didn't have so much family here."

- Lloyd Center

-- Overheard by Laura

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Between a Rock and a Bad Attitude

Mother (pointing at fossils):
"Oooh, what do you think of these?"

Disaffected teen girl (sneering): "They're rocks."

Mother:
"No they're not. They're creatures that were alive millions of years ago, and were slowly turned into rock."

Disaffected teen girl: "Same thing."

- At the Mount Hood Rock Club's Rock, Gem, and Craft Show

-- Overheard by PAgent

Three-meat fundito

Counter-protester (from across the street to protesters):
"Go back to Russia, homos!"

Protesters: "Go back to Applebees!"

- At the Rove protest in Tigard last night

-- Overheard by mar-tin

Friday, April 13, 2007

Emo

Two girls shopping, one of them says,
"This shirt isn't emo enough for me."

- Downtown Buffalo Exchange

-- Overheard by ApocGirl

Thursday, April 12, 2007

with great power comes great responsibility

Father referring to crying son holding spiderman card:

"That damn Tobey McGuire is ruining my life!"

- Safeway

-- Overheard by Artwork

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Danglies

Two grandmotherly women discussing one of the employees:

Grandmother 1: "Did you see that she has an earring in her tongue?"

Grandmother 2: "I did! I wonder if she ever wears danglies?"

- Micheal's Italian Beef and Sausage Company

-- Overheard by Divebarwife

Craigslist

Father to son, repeated many, many times:
“If you need tires for your motorcycle, look them up on Craigslist.”
“If you need an arc welder, look them up on Craigslist.”
“If you need to find a motor for the Camaro, look on Craigslist.”

Father to son one day:
“Do you have a spare computer monitor? Ours fried.”

Son to Father: “Look it up on Craigslist.”

- My Living Room

-- Overheard by Pezolator

The Man who fell to Earth

Kid: "Daddy, why did you give that man a dollar?"

Dad (laughing):
"His cardboard sign; it says 'Space ship crashed.'"

- NW 23rd and Vaughan

-- Overheard by Rich

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Deputized

"These are kind of like deputy pickles."

- Multnomah County Sheriff's Office breakroom

-- Overheard by Anonymous

Stumble into Grace

Cube Girl to Cube Guy, who's playing music on his PC early in the workday: "Is that Emmylou Harris?"

Cube Guy: "Yeah, with Mark Knopfler."

Cube Girl: "I had my first oral orgasm to Emmylou Harris."

- In a local bureaucracy

-- Overheard by Faceless Bureaucrat

Monday, April 09, 2007

ReMax

Lady with a microphone:
"Nothing is more powerful than Jesus! He die, he get up!"

- Lloyd Center Max stop

-- Overheard by LAB

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Super Button

Waitress #1: "See our new (superman) decoration? Press his S and his X-ray eyes light up."

Waitress #2: "It's not working."

Waitress #1: "I said, press his S, not press his ass!"

- Stepping Stone Cafe

-- Overheard by Rich

Friday, April 06, 2007

Art ho's

Large woman in an electric scooter (hollering to a drunk guy in a dinner jacket leaning in the doorway with a large cell phone):

"I don't know why you calling ten ho's! I'm spoiling you!"

- In line at the Motel Gallery

-- Overheard by Carissa, Abe and Plump

Benchmark

Trimet Regular #1: "Two days left this week"

Trimet Regular #2: "No, today's over, Gloria, we already got up."

- On the #15 at 5:25am Thursday

-- Overheard by Marianna

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Frankenwitness

Woman:
"I'm going to have to bring someone with me if I go to see that guy as a witness. Know anybody scary looking?"

- Anna Bannanas

-- Overheard by Rich

Meth, Inc.

There was this poor old guy, looked like he was jonesing for his meth. The max started getting pretty crowded and he started getting crazy, started pushing some guy around and yelling.

School kid: "Mind your own business"

Old meth head (shouting): "I AM NOT A BUSINESS."

- On the Max

-- Overheard by McMack

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Parents in Cancun

Kindergarten-age boy to his grandmother:

"When I'm older can I go stay at a hotel for 10 days?"

- On the streetcar, 10th and alder stop

-- Overhead by Nicole

Vermin Valentine

"My daughter got me a rat for Valentine's Day. An actual rat."

- Lobby of the Cornell West building

--Overheard by Aaron

Um, Okay...

Girl with Hood with Ears: "Oh, you're the hungry guy. I heard you outside. Don't eat me! I come in peace."

- Mission Theater

-- Overheard by b!X

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Visual Viagra

Man #1: "What did you think of her?"

Man #2: "Nice body, but it's the face that keeps it hard."

- Nob Hill Tavern

-- Overheard by Rich

Monday, April 02, 2007

gallus domesticus

Woman Customer: “Is the Mama Leone’s Chicken Soup vegetarian?"

Male Server: “Yes. Except for the chicken.”

- Flying Elephants

-- Overheard by NoPoButch

Fresh wheels

Park (not parking, but park, as in city park) Patrol woman on radio to coworker:

“Well you better get over here pretty quick, they saran-wrapped the whole car…”

- April 1st at the 7-11 at Hwy 26 and 185th

-- Overheard by Pezolator

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Beware of BOB

Bartender: "You have a boyfriend. BOB. Battery Operated Boyfriend."

- Morrison Street Grill

-- Overheard by b!X

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Fromage

Guy: "Once I ate an entire block of cheese for lunch."

Girl: "That's good. How'd you feel afterwards?"

Guy: "Not so good."

- On the #14 bus

-- Overheard by Marianna

Monday, March 26, 2007

Glory Days

Tweaker (rambling): "Back in High School I was on this hockey team in Beaverton and I got to meet the mayor, you know, Mayor Ivancie, the guy before Bud Clark? Anyway they sent our whole team to play a tournament in Japan and I got to meet the Mayor type guy over there."

Guy: "Did you win?"

Tweaker: "Well, I did get on Japanese TV and they came to the house and did a Life in the Day thing."

- Pharmacy Cafe

-- Overheard by Rich

Who broke the copy machine?

Man: "Help I've got glass in my butt!"

- IT department of a local government agency

-- Overheard by a random IT drone

Friday, March 23, 2007

Not one for second dates

Girl: "Incest kind freaks me out. I don't know why though."

A while later:

Girl: "Suicide is sexy. Death is so hot."

- On the Portland Street Car

-- Overheard by cabernet4me

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Punxsutawney Pope

Administrative Assistant: "You know how they choose the Pope with those smoke signals?"

Staff member: "Yeah..."

Administrative Assistant: "It's kind of like Groundhog's Day, isn't it?"

Staff member: "Wait, what? The movie or the holiday?"

Administrative Assistant: "Duh, the holiday! What would the movie have to do with the Pope??"

Staff member: "Well, what does the holiday have to do with the Pope?"

Administrative Assistant: "What?"

- University of Portland

-- Overheard by Junniper

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Where everybody knows your name

Woman: "Have you ever seen those early episodes of Cheers?"

Man: "Yeah. Those Ted Baxter bits are hilarious."

- Bridgeport Brewery

-- Overheard by Rich

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

no, they don't

Hipster guy: "No, really. Pittsburgh is about a thousand times cooler than Philadelphia. Everyone knows that."

- SW 4th & Salmon

-- Overheard by SaraFist

Next time, take the Blue Line

Man in red coat with blood running down his face (which we previously saw get punched and kicked by another drunkard causing the blood) says to some frat guys:

"I fu**ed your mom last night, but can't remember where she lives."

[Nervous silence]

Man in red coat: "I'm going to poop in your eye, and then a shark is going to come, and then you will tell people that a shark pooped in your eye."

- Red line Max near Beaverton

-- Overheard by Ashley and Brady

A Regular Yoda

Brunette: "Well why did they decide like that?"

Blonde: "That's just how whoever wanted it to be that way wanted it to be that way."

- Cup & Saucer, Killingsworth

-- Overheard by Junniper

Go back to the Westside

Homeless Guy to Thug: "You are your own rainbow."

Thug: "I ain't no homo, bitch!"

Older Conservative Woman: "Please keep quiet, that's offensive to me."

Thug: "What, 'bitch?'"

Older Conservative Woman: "No, 'homo.'"

- Red Line Max, 82nd Avenue

-- Overheard by Junniper

VPL

Woman:
"I was in Budapest and people would ask, 'Is everyone in America like Dick Cheney?' And I'm like, 'Fuck no!'"

- Oba

-- Overheard by Rich

Monday, March 19, 2007

When you're here, you're Family

Thug (to Thugette): "Where you come from?"

Thugette: "Da Olive Garden."

Thug: "Huh? What's dat?"

Thugette (exasperated): "Da RESTAURANT..."

Thug: "Who go to da Olive Garden?"

Thugette: "Rich white people."

- MAX Blue Line at 122nd, 3/17/07

-- Overheard by Jess & Paul

Sunday, March 18, 2007

one over one is not two

Lady: "And what exactly is it about marriage that turns you off so much?"

Man: "See that older couple with the same hair and the same clothes?"

Lady: "Yes?"

Man: "Them."

- Dragonfly

-- Overheard by Rich

ie For Example

Woman #1: "It's Tracie with an 'ie.' Thank you for asking."

Guy: "I used used to date a Stacie with an 'ie.'"

Woman #2: "And do you dot the 'i' with a little heart?"

Guy: "Even today."

- Oba

-- Overheard by Rich

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Smoking jacket

Guy #1: "Do you mind if I put my coat on the bar here?"

Guy #2: "No, but the bartender might set it on fire."

- Hubers (Spanish coffee central)

-- Overheard by Rich