When in Rome

Woman, to her friend: He never wears pants, unless other people are wearing pants; then he will wear pants.

- Walgreens
-- Overheard by Broadside Johnnie

Rapper

Girl on cellphone: My biggest problem is that when I hang out with rappers, and I start drinking, I start rapping.

- PSU
-- Overheard by Tom

Bad Cook

Little girl to mom who was looking at a cookbook: God is a bad God because he makes bad food.

- Borders
-- Overheard by Fatema

Chocolate

"Anyone want a chocolate pussy?" said a guy holding one up. He had an immediate taker.

- PSU's Food for Thought Cafe
-- Overheard by Emily

Unseemly shuffleboard

By the shuffleboard table in the Broadway Brewery:

Old guy: You guys want to buy me a beer before I go home?
Young guys playing shuffleboard: Nope. Not at all. Have a good night."
Old guy: Shuffleboard, eh? Shuffle it up your ASS!

- Overheard by Eric

Whole grain goodness

At Saturday market on Sunday, a larger woman is walking by the food vendors, presumably looking for something to eat:

Woman: Ooh quesadillas! Wait, whole grain tortilla? Oh hell no!

- Overheard by Tracy

Show her you'd do it all over again

This one happened just tonight at Outback Steakhouse on 82nd. A table of five gentlemen in their 60's (?) were talking quite loudly.

Man 1: His ex was calling her over & over, telling her not to marry him, don't do it, it will ruin your life.

Man 2: That happened to a buddy of mine in Reno. He killed himself to get away from it.

Man 3: Oh, yeah! Him.

Man 2: He stepped in front of a bus.

- Overheard by Zen Angel

Packed

".... And they're packed in there so tight, we have cut them apart with scissors to keep them from mating."

- At the CCC
-- Overheard by a number of curious bike cleaners

Beer breath

Cycling past a trio of college-aged gals walking on the sidewalk: ... and they didn't have that beer breath, y'know, like boys get.

- SE Stark & 18th
-- Overheard by Broadside Johnnie

Army of One

"As soon as I get off probation, I'm going back to the army."

- On the #8 Bus
-- Overheard by Daniel

Bridesmaid

Intoxicated woman on cellphone: You're gonna be my first or second bridesmaid, so don't let me get married. When they ask if anyone has any objections speak up, because I'll probably be drunk.

- Inner SE Bar
-- Overheard by Daniel

Can relate

Man to woman: We can relate, I mean, you're not a black lesbian and you get along.

- Lloyd Center Cafe
-- Overheard by Heidi

We try harder

One guy to another: I never drink and drive in a rental car.

- Vancouver Safeway
-- Overheard by Tina

Hands full

Girl to guy friend: So you had to hold onto your wallet and your keys--and protect your junk!

- MAX stop
-- Overheard by Deborah

The hat

Man on Cellphone: ...and he was completely naked! Well, I can't say that because he was wearing a cowboy hat; but he was totally naked.

- Near Chinatown
-- Overheard by Joanna and Connor

Accessories

Girl at table to friends: A wheelchair is basically an accessory these days...like cellphones

Guy from another table to his friends: Did you hear what that girl said? That wheelchairs are accessories?


Guy to girl: Did you just say that wheelchairs are like an accessory? High five!

- Overheard by Shawna

Little people

Two teen boys on Line 70.

Teen 1 (frantically pointing out window): Look! Midgets!
Teen 2: (no response)
Teen 1: Dude! Did you see them?
Teen 2: Yeah. I don't know why you're all excited.
Teen 1 (slow and deliberate): Because ... they're ... midgets!

- Overheard by Lawrence

The Drowning

Black guy to his friend: You know the movie White Man Can't Jump? I always wondered why there wasn't a movie of the opposite. Like... Black men can't swim. You know, I am going to make that movie.

- PSU-Michigan men's basketball game
-- Overheard by Connor

White man's domain

Filipina Girl: Middle Easterners don't know how to drive!
White Girl: I'm so glad that you're Asian so I can be racist!


- Overheard by Megan

I bet these two are "good listeners"

Office girl 1: I don't even like real sugar anymore.
Office girl 2's response: What time do you think a tattoo shop would open?

- Overheard by Bonnie

Dis-kabob-ulated

Staggering, apparently quite inebriated woman to man inside Turkish food cart: Why you closed?

No reply.

Woman: I want a divorce!

- SW 10th and Alder, 9:02 AM
-- Overheard by Jen

Life of Larry

Guy at Movie Madness: What if his name wasn't Jesus? What if it was, like, Larry Christ? Then when you fell off a ladder or something you'd be shouting, "Larry Christ!"

- Overheard by Kristen

Robot

"Would you nail a robot?"

"Psh, Yea!"

long pause.....

"As long as you could clean it"

- Submitted by Josh, who writes: "My friends are messed up."

Toothless

Toothless man in the booth next to my husband and me at the diner in Lloyd Center food court is apparently a regular there.

Waitress: Where's your teeth?
Toothless man: In my pocket.

- Overheard by Jen

Pipeless

Scraggly Guy crosses in front of my car, then comes to my window.

Me: (Rolls down window a little.)
Scraggly Guy: Hey, you got a pipe?
Me: Nope.
Scraggly Guy: Man, I really need to get baked!!
Me: Sorry, man.

- SE Hawthorne
-- Submitted by dv

Akthelt and Gunnel

Guy sitting in front of me clearly on a first date: I’ve dabbled in Norse religions.

- Overheard by Henry

Glassy

College kid admiring my kid's glass artwork: That shit is dope as fuck!

- Overheard by Stuart

Taint

Last night after leaving the Winterhawks game at the Rose Garden:

20-something girl: Do you want to walk or take the MAX?
30 something guy: I don't wanna walk, I have a boil on my taint.

- Overheard by John

weather-proof

20-something year old drunk girl to her friends outside of a house party: I'm too fucked up for a jacket.

- Overheard by Alex

Have faith!

Guy to another guy in men's bathroom: Looks like we have to use 'imaginary' soap?! (dispenser was out)

Other guy, who happened to be peeing at that moment: You just gotta believe!

- Buffalo Gap
-- Overheard by Nacion

Thesis

One prof to another about teaching writing: Put a ball gag in that thesis statement!

- PSU

Vienna Sausages

At the Dollar Store at Mall 205, a family of Mom, Teen Sis, and maybe 5-yr-old Brother:

Sis: I can't find them. We've been up and down this aisle twice.
Mom: Keep looking.
Brother: Can't we just cut up regular hot dogs real small?
Mom (shrieking): NO! We have to have 20 cans of Vienna Sausages or it WON'T WORK!

- Overheard by ZenAngel, who writes: "The last 2 words were shrieked with a panic I have never before attributed to Vienna Sausages. I also can't help but wonder what hellish recipe or plan called for the absolute use of Vienna Sausages, OR ELSE."

Frozen Peas

Scene: Coworker #2 slipped on some mail strewn on the floor. She is hurting and complaining about it.

Coworker #1: You know, there's some frozen peas in the freezer--
Coworker #2: I can't put frozen peas all over my body!
Coworker #1: No, I mean, it's in a bag.

- Overheard by facepalm

Grasshopper spit

Guy on the Green Line: Well, it wasn't any worse than grasshopper spit!

- Overheard by Brittney

What Heaven smells like

Teenage girl on the phone: She smelled what heaven would smell like: shower, perfume deodorant...

-On the #72 bus
--Overheard by Midnight

Cleavage

Heard in an elevator full of people...
"Cleavage is like a half wrapped present that I can't have."

- Overheard by Angela

Hole in the back

Girl on phone: What, she's in a wheelchair? How'd she get home like that? She's got a hole in her back? Ohh, from bed rest.

- Outside of school
-- Overheard by Sam

CuddleTalk at Tea Shop

Young woman 1: So is it required if you stay at her house you have to cuddle?

Young woman 2: Well, it's not required; but it basically is.

Young woman 3: Wow.

- Tea Shop
-- Overheard by Dawn

Ben Wa

So I work the graveyard shift @ Paradise Video on SE Stark. Here's a convo between two of my customers.

Lady 01: Ben Wa balls? What do they do?

Lady 02: Girl! You don't know?! It's like a Thigh Master for your coochie!

- Overheard by Islanesia

Alt.Religion

Young man: What's that book about?
Old man: Alternative theories to the big bang.
Young man: Like creationism?
Old man: No, I'm Buddhist.
Young man: Oh, I like alternative religions.
Old man: Yeah, Buddhism is a good one.

- On the #75 bus
-- Overheard by Rebecca

Neverending weiner

Two kids playing with plastic food in an after school program:

Boy: When I eat this plastic hot dog, it will regenerate. It's the neverending weiner.

- Hillsboro after school Program
-- Overheard by Kirsten

Extinction

Stripper: I don't think I believe in dinosaurs.. I mean, where did they go?

- Strip club
-- Overheard by Sky Rocket

Hella

Skateboard Dude: You should get a hella casual shirt.

- At the Ross in Lloyd's Center
-- Overheard by Josh

HRL

Female college student: I've got that hot retarded look going on.

- On the green line MAX
-- Overheard by Brittney

Support the Troops

Walking by employee we hear a broadcast message over their radio from another employee:

"Do we have a military discount?"
Seconds later a response from another employee:
"No.........but we still support the troops!"

- Target, Washington Square
-- Overheard by Nacion

Rubbermaid

Older woman, trying to squeeze past my towering cartload of Rubbermaid totes: All these people with their crappy crap @#$%*!

- Interstate Fred Meyer
-- Overheard by Steve

Holidays

At a party with bands playing....

Guy 1: It smells like weed and peppermint in here.
Guy 2: Well, it is still close to the holidays.

- Overheard by Kris

Soul mate

Girl on cell phone: Hi, is this Jon? Hi, um, it's Mayte...from Florida...your soulmate?

- Overheard by Jessica

Pokemon

This afternoon, I overheard the following exchange between two employees at the Beaverton Powell's.

Book buyer 1: You gotta catch 'em all, man.

Book buyer 2: Have you heard of the Pokemon Liberation Front?

Book buyer 1: What's that?

Book buyer 2: All of the trainers force the Pokemon to fight, but maybe not all of them want to. So they try to free them.

Book buyer 1: I've always felt that the entire Pokemon series was Ash's fever dream.

- Overheard by Doug

Baby Jesus is weeping

Guy in line for tickets on the day after Christmas: What's the date today?

-Newmark Theater, downtown
-- Overheard by TK