Life of Larry

Guy at Movie Madness: What if his name wasn't Jesus? What if it was, like, Larry Christ? Then when you fell off a ladder or something you'd be shouting, "Larry Christ!"

- Overheard by Kristen

Robot

"Would you nail a robot?"

"Psh, Yea!"

long pause.....

"As long as you could clean it"

- Submitted by Josh, who writes: "My friends are messed up."

Toothless

Toothless man in the booth next to my husband and me at the diner in Lloyd Center food court is apparently a regular there.

Waitress: Where's your teeth?
Toothless man: In my pocket.

- Overheard by Jen

Pipeless

Scraggly Guy crosses in front of my car, then comes to my window.

Me: (Rolls down window a little.)
Scraggly Guy: Hey, you got a pipe?
Me: Nope.
Scraggly Guy: Man, I really need to get baked!!
Me: Sorry, man.

- SE Hawthorne
-- Submitted by dv

Akthelt and Gunnel

Guy sitting in front of me clearly on a first date: I’ve dabbled in Norse religions.

- Overheard by Henry

Glassy

College kid admiring my kid's glass artwork: That shit is dope as fuck!

- Overheard by Stuart

Taint

Last night after leaving the Winterhawks game at the Rose Garden:

20-something girl: Do you want to walk or take the MAX?
30 something guy: I don't wanna walk, I have a boil on my taint.

- Overheard by John

weather-proof

20-something year old drunk girl to her friends outside of a house party: I'm too fucked up for a jacket.

- Overheard by Alex

Have faith!

Guy to another guy in men's bathroom: Looks like we have to use 'imaginary' soap?! (dispenser was out)

Other guy, who happened to be peeing at that moment: You just gotta believe!

- Buffalo Gap
-- Overheard by Nacion

Thesis

One prof to another about teaching writing: Put a ball gag in that thesis statement!

- PSU

Vienna Sausages

At the Dollar Store at Mall 205, a family of Mom, Teen Sis, and maybe 5-yr-old Brother:

Sis: I can't find them. We've been up and down this aisle twice.
Mom: Keep looking.
Brother: Can't we just cut up regular hot dogs real small?
Mom (shrieking): NO! We have to have 20 cans of Vienna Sausages or it WON'T WORK!

- Overheard by ZenAngel, who writes: "The last 2 words were shrieked with a panic I have never before attributed to Vienna Sausages. I also can't help but wonder what hellish recipe or plan called for the absolute use of Vienna Sausages, OR ELSE."

Frozen Peas

Scene: Coworker #2 slipped on some mail strewn on the floor. She is hurting and complaining about it.

Coworker #1: You know, there's some frozen peas in the freezer--
Coworker #2: I can't put frozen peas all over my body!
Coworker #1: No, I mean, it's in a bag.

- Overheard by facepalm

Grasshopper spit

Guy on the Green Line: Well, it wasn't any worse than grasshopper spit!

- Overheard by Brittney

What Heaven smells like

Teenage girl on the phone: She smelled what heaven would smell like: shower, perfume deodorant...

-On the #72 bus
--Overheard by Midnight

Cleavage

Heard in an elevator full of people...
"Cleavage is like a half wrapped present that I can't have."

- Overheard by Angela

Hole in the back

Girl on phone: What, she's in a wheelchair? How'd she get home like that? She's got a hole in her back? Ohh, from bed rest.

- Outside of school
-- Overheard by Sam

CuddleTalk at Tea Shop

Young woman 1: So is it required if you stay at her house you have to cuddle?

Young woman 2: Well, it's not required; but it basically is.

Young woman 3: Wow.

- Tea Shop
-- Overheard by Dawn

Ben Wa

So I work the graveyard shift @ Paradise Video on SE Stark. Here's a convo between two of my customers.

Lady 01: Ben Wa balls? What do they do?

Lady 02: Girl! You don't know?! It's like a Thigh Master for your coochie!

- Overheard by Islanesia

Alt.Religion

Young man: What's that book about?
Old man: Alternative theories to the big bang.
Young man: Like creationism?
Old man: No, I'm Buddhist.
Young man: Oh, I like alternative religions.
Old man: Yeah, Buddhism is a good one.

- On the #75 bus
-- Overheard by Rebecca

Neverending weiner

Two kids playing with plastic food in an after school program:

Boy: When I eat this plastic hot dog, it will regenerate. It's the neverending weiner.

- Hillsboro after school Program
-- Overheard by Kirsten

Extinction

Stripper: I don't think I believe in dinosaurs.. I mean, where did they go?

- Strip club
-- Overheard by Sky Rocket

Hella

Skateboard Dude: You should get a hella casual shirt.

- At the Ross in Lloyd's Center
-- Overheard by Josh

HRL

Female college student: I've got that hot retarded look going on.

- On the green line MAX
-- Overheard by Brittney

Support the Troops

Walking by employee we hear a broadcast message over their radio from another employee:

"Do we have a military discount?"
Seconds later a response from another employee:
"No.........but we still support the troops!"

- Target, Washington Square
-- Overheard by Nacion

Rubbermaid

Older woman, trying to squeeze past my towering cartload of Rubbermaid totes: All these people with their crappy crap @#$%*!

- Interstate Fred Meyer
-- Overheard by Steve

Holidays

At a party with bands playing....

Guy 1: It smells like weed and peppermint in here.
Guy 2: Well, it is still close to the holidays.

- Overheard by Kris

Soul mate

Girl on cell phone: Hi, is this Jon? Hi, um, it's Mayte...from Florida...your soulmate?

- Overheard by Jessica

Pokemon

This afternoon, I overheard the following exchange between two employees at the Beaverton Powell's.

Book buyer 1: You gotta catch 'em all, man.

Book buyer 2: Have you heard of the Pokemon Liberation Front?

Book buyer 1: What's that?

Book buyer 2: All of the trainers force the Pokemon to fight, but maybe not all of them want to. So they try to free them.

Book buyer 1: I've always felt that the entire Pokemon series was Ash's fever dream.

- Overheard by Doug

Baby Jesus is weeping

Guy in line for tickets on the day after Christmas: What's the date today?

-Newmark Theater, downtown
-- Overheard by TK

Hulk smash!

Mom to young son, who is playing with a plastic Hulk action figure, banging it against tables: Be gentle with the Hulk.

- Bakery Bar NE
-- Overheard by Ed

Blue Light Special

Mom, loudly to son at the checkout: Do you want me
to start using my Satan voice? Because I will, if you don't start
behaving!

- KMart
-- Overheard by Laurel

Needle

Girl: My boyfriend's dog swallowed a bottlecap and it was going to die, so all my Christmas money went to pay for an operation.

Guy: I swallowed a sewing needle.

- On the Max
-- Overheard by Rich

Co-pilot

Doorman (to co-worker): It doesn't matter, I still need my stripper to hold my hand while I'm driving.

- Marriott on Broadway
-- Overheard by Isaac

Didgeridoo

Didgeridoo salesman to customer: I used to think that playing the didgeridoo was hard, until I realized that it's just making body noises into a tube.

- Holiday Artisan Market in Pioneer Square
-- Overheard by Maria

Happy Holidays

At my mother-in-law's holiday open house this weekend.

Mother-in-law (opening door): Welcome, come on in!
Neighbor: What a lovely house you have.
Mother-in-law: Oh, thanks. Now, remind me who you are.
Neighbor: I live four houses down in the green house
Mother-in-law: Oh that's right. You're the lady whose dog just died!! Now I remember.
Neighbor: Yes, but I prefer to be called "Nancy".

- Submitted by Patrick

Kicker

Woman on the MAX to her pregnant friend: I had such bad gas one time it felt like a baby kicking.

- Overheard by Brittney

It was bad

Two dudes on the #12 bus:

"Oh you saw that movie?"
"It was bad."
"Cool, I've been wanting to see it."
"Don't even bother, it's so bad."
"Oh, it's bad? I thought you meant bad as in good."
"No, dude, I meant bad as in awful."
"Yeah? How bad is it?"
"It's like Blair Witch Project bad."

- Overheard by a p

Energizer

Girl on cell phone, in an "that's so obvious" voice: Yeah but you can still pee in the toilet and flush it without having a battery.

- Near PSU, by Hotlips Pizza
-- Overheard by Sarah

Promotion

Overheard at a red light - the family in the car next to us (mother, father, and son)

Father (Angrily): You have the brains of a grasshopper!
Mother: Oh, look! Daddy promoted you! I usually say he has the brain of a flea.

- Overheard by Sal

Slapshot

Police scanner: ...suspect is armed with a hockey stick.

- Overheard by Nation

Ducks

Following the Civil War, when Duck fans stormed the field...

Girl: I wouldn't want to be caught in that. Crowds like that are so dangerous.
Guy 1: They're Oregonians for chrissake. What are they going to do, drive slowly in the left lane?
Guy 2: Hot box you?
Guy 3: Force you to compost?

- South Waterfront apartment
-- Overheard by Stefan

Kiss the Chef

Coworker: I make out with weirdos all the time. Eating spit from some line chef isn't such a big deal when you think about it.

- Overheard by Jake

Treatment

Woman to man: Yea right... You wish you could be in treatment.

- Holladay Park
-- Overheard by Alex

Extasy

Girl to her friend: Why do you do herion dude? Everybody knows extasy is the best drug.

- Fish and chip shop in NE
-- Overheard by John

Bagged

Self-serve station in a 'cozy' Beaverton coffee place: woman's shoulder bag brushes the head of a seated woman a couple of times...


Woman fixing coffee: I'm sorry, I seem to want to keep hitting you with my purse.

Seated woman: That's okay, honey, we all feel that way some day.

- Overheard by Broadside Johnnie

Ultimate

Guy on Cell Phone: You've got to decide what's more important: your job or this ultimate frisbee game.

- Laurelhurst Lobby
-- Overheard by Ted

Abuse

2 women smoking cigarettes and talking:

Woman #1: Apparently that's abuse.
Woman #2: No! You're crazy.

- Waiting for the #15 Bus
- Overheard by Rose

Culprit

Young boy holding his nose and pointing at a morbidly obese man: I think it's him.

- On the #6 bus
-- Overheard by Daniel

Wild Life

Skinny, seriously drunk guy who is flitting his arms very poorly: I’m a little birdie, I can FLYYYYY! Watch me fly.

10 footsteps later.

Professional-looking young man, exiting a building and carrying a fish in a fishbowl: Who's a good little fishie?

- Submitted by: I’m just trying to pick up my lunch

Kidnapped

Youngish woman: He's really good at kidnapping me. This one time he threw me over his shoulder when I was really drunk in Calispell and I woke up in Missoula. I got fired.

Middle-aged man: Really?

Youngish woman: Yeah, he wouldn't drive me back to Kalispell. My boss was like, 'Well, you're in Missoula'. Fair enough.

- Black Cat Cafe
-- Overheard by Charlie