from the potty mouths of babes

Toddler in stroller, in garbled baby-voice, while throwing his socks and shoes: Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!

- Red line MAX, 8:50AM

-- Overheard by Jen, who writes: "Perhaps he was actually saying something else - I'd like to think so, but this is definitely what it sounded like."

Namespace

Chipper young blonde girl with pamphlets reaches out to shake hands with a passerby: Hi! My name is Amanda, what's yours?!

Passerby as he keeps walking: Late for an appointment!

Blonde girl looks confused for a second, then calls after him: But, that's not a name!


- Overheard by The Redhead

Domestic partnership

Eight year old boy: If I marry a girl, will I have to change my name?

Dad: No. Usually the girl changes her last name to be the same as his.

Eight year old boy: If I marry a boy, will I have to change my name?

- NW 21st Ave

-- Overheard by Rich

We call it beastilicious!

Girl on cellphone: His thing... it was like a big lamb sandwich!

- SW 3rd/Washington

-- Overheard by Aaron

Vagina Monologue

Guy (to Bartender): Dude, she says you promised her that you'd have a Gin&Tonic waiting back there behind the bar.

Bartender: What? What? Typical woman: "I've got a pussy and therefore I'm entitled."

- MuuMuus

-- Overheard by Rich

Rated PG

We were watching "Happily Never After" when a young boy remarked of Frieda:

Boy: Her boobies are purple! (Which, may I add, was true)
Mother: *whispers*
Boy: No, her boobies are purple.

- Regal Cinema, Tigard 11

-- Overheard by Julie

Maxxed out

On a Westbound MAX nearing the Galleria Stop at about 11pm on a recent Saturday night.

Very Drunk Guy #1: (Jumping up and yelling) WE HAVE TO GET OFF NOW!

Drunk Guy #2: Isn't the next stop closer to your place?

Very Drunk Guy #1: (Still yelling and becoming somewhat frantic as the train has already stopped and his friend still isn't getting up to exit the train) WE HAVE TO GET OFF HERE!! IT'S THE LAST STOP IN FARELESS SQUARE! IT'S THE LAW!!

Supreme Being

At Silverton lake on Sunday, female tween following her older brother and swimming towards a restricted area shouts to the shore:

Girl: Mom, can I swim where Derek is?

Mom: No! Swim back over to the shore.

Girl, in a nasally whine: Oh. Myyyyy. God!!!

Mom: Hey, I gave birth to you. I AM your God!

- Overheard by Matt

Just another day in Dilbertville

Two guys at a copy machine at a local bureaucracy:

Guy 1: You liking this paperless office?

Guy 2: We’re paperless?

Guy 1: Oh, yeah. It’s the 21st century, man. Get with the millennium, dude!

- Overheard by Gm

Sperm bank

Dude #1: Dude, if you're gonna artificially inseminate your sister's girlfriend, you gotta fuck her, right?
Dude #2: Absolutely!
Dude #1: Otherwise, you got no respect for yourself.

- In the parking lot at 45th and Belmont

-- Overheard by Elizabeth

Gay Soccer

At a pickup soccer game on Wednesday, Moreland Park

Teammate: I think it's 3-1
Opponent: You're counting that first goal? That was kinda gay.
Teammate: What do you mean gay, like it likes other male goals?

- Overheard by Jesse

That Bill Shakespeare Guy Was Probably a Portlander

Author: I had like a couple people read my book, and they were like "It needs some more grammar."

- Overheard on #6 by Aaron

Au Pair

Very affluent woman with a giant diamond ring: I am looking for a gift to get this girl who is taking care of my children.

Salesgirl: Well, what does she like?

Woman with giant diamond ring: Huh, I have no idea. I don't know her very well.

- Williams Sonoma Home store on NW 23rd

-- Overheard by Chelsea

Whining

Mom to daughter: Honey, I don't know what you want, and I don't understand Whine.

- At Mississippi Street Fair

-- Overheard by Jesse

Crossing

Two middle-aged, overweight women are slowly jaywalking across the street. A Hispanic guy in a lowrider is waiting impatiently for them to pass and subsequently bats the Rosary on his rear view mirror in frustration.

Guy #1 drinking at MuuMuu's: Say something religious.

Guy #2 drinking at MuuMuu's: In Jesus' time, them bitches be fucking dead already!

- NW 21st

-- Overheard by Rich

BAM!

Guy to Gal: I was stressing out so bad at culinary school that I totally went off on this guy; "YOU CAN'T reduce the demi-glace!"
Then he fucking popped me in the mouth.

- On the #77

-- Overheard by Rich

Muffin Top

Valley Girl: Whoa! Did you see that chick's muffin top? Gross!
Valley Girl's Overweight Friend: Oh, ummm, yeah - gross.

- Overheard by J.

Repoke

Bartender to cute girls: Well, if you let someone poke you enough times, you're bound to get something free out of it.

- Overheard by: a cute girl

Soul Food

Woman talking on her cell phone: Well, it's a spiritual dinner, that's probably why you're not invited.

-On the #20 during rush hour

-- Overheard by Elizabeth

Bidet

Woman to Storm Large: How did the car wash go?

Storm Large: I love water in my butt. So good, so good.

- Overheard by Sean in the Gerding Theater lobby

Big Lebowski

Homeless Guy at Bus Stop: Sir, do you have bus fare?

Jeff Bridges as "the Dude" lookalike: Fuck no! That's why I'm walking.

- 21st and Irving

-- Overheard by Rich

Lifts and Separates

My friend: Hey, will you check my bra size?
(I lift up the back of her shirt to check)
Me: Um, dude, you're not wearing one...again.
Middle-aged woman next to us (starts laughing, then turns to her friend): I wish I could get away with forgetting I wasn't wearing a bra.

- Victoria's Secret, Clackamas Town Center

-- Overheard by Kris

Minutes before a full-on makeout session in the middle of the lobby...

Ditzy girl buying movie tickets with her boyfriend:

Could I get two tickets to Journey to the Center of, um... wherever that is?

- Overheard at Cinetopia

Bear naked granola

Man on Streetcar to tourists: Blah, blah, blah. You know, it used to be blah, blah, blah, but now it is blog, blog, blog. And, with granola underwear, no, granola thongs!

- Overheard by s.m.

Something in the Way

An obviously drunk homeless woman:

I grew up on the South side of Seattle, and Kurt Cobain killed himself in my backyard!

- Outside of Voodoo Donoughts, midnight

-- Overheard by Josh

Process of elimination

Costco Shopper on a cell phone pondering contact lens liquid: Do I want Lasting Comfort or Lasting Moisture?

(Other side responds.)

Costco Shopper: Whatever, I'll go with the not the cheapest, not the most expensive. I was raised Protestant

- Overheard by Clintondowns

Starbuck Prostitutes

Five women sitting around a table, all clearly soccer moms..

Women: Well, you shouldn't have her prostitute on Burnside anymore, you should really have her work the Pearl.
Women 2: Yeah, I agree, you get better tips in the Pearl.

- Starbucks on NW 23rd

-- Overheard by Annie

The hardest job you'll ever love

Volunteer (interrupting two talking teens): Hi, would you like to sign this petition?
Girl: What is it about?
Volunteer: It's basically making the pamphlet about all the different voting issues shorter and easier to understand.
Girl: I like to read.Why would you want to do that?
Volunteer: To make it easier to understand, and help more people learn about the issues.
Girl: So there would be less information?
Volunteer: Yes! It would be just the basic information, to get more people to vote who didn't before because it was so hard.
Girl(Loudly): So basically, you're telling me you want to dumb down the voting help guide, so that people who were too stupid to understand it before, will be more likely to vote? No, I won't sign. If they give up because it's too hard to read, good. Like hell I want them to vote.
Volunteer (shocked) :...Don't you want everyone to vote?
Girl: Hell, no. I want smart people to vote. I'm not signing some petition to help stupid people take part in making major decisions.Why do you think we're at war?
Volunteer (backing away): Well, uh...Ok. Have a nice day..(
Girl to friend: I love fucking with those guys. I hope that keeps her up tonight.
Friend: You are so going to hell.
Girl: That's nothing. I thought the polar bear dude earlier was going to cry by the time I was done with him.

- Pioneer Square
-- Overheard by Seal

Dangerous, that Hawthorne District

Middle-aged man to two others, with great emphasis, crossing Hawthorne by the Bagdad:

You can't let him loose in the Hawthorne District! He becomes conniving.

- Overheard by AJ

Kids... Don't you love them??

While perusing magazines at the Fred Meyer in Tillamook, OR., a young man no more than 10 years old and his adoring younger sister...

Boy: Anybody can get breast implants, even kids.

Girl: Really??

Boy: Yeah, boys, too.

- Overheard by Byron

Meltdown

On the #17 Bus when it was about 90 degrees outside:

Bus Driver: Folks, this just in from the weather service, I just thought I'd pass it along to you all. Don't let all these clouds fool you, there's a high heat warning in effect for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Gum Drops, and ... Snow Cones, so if you have any of those items, you'd better keep them inside. That's all.

- Overheard by The Redhead

That's no lady

Outside Fire on the Mountain, a team of baseball players is splitting 100 wings. A horrible noise is heard…

Woman: what is that???

Man: It’s an elk…and my wife. (answers cell phone with elk call ringtone)

- Overheard by Deb

Monkey Butt

Overweight/obese woman: Eeewww! They are cute in the face but their asses are ugly!

- Mandrill primate house at the Oregon Zoo in Portland

-- Overheard by Debbie

Reconsidering reconsiderations

Woman: ...what the hell? Treatment, I don't need treatment.
Man: ...I was just saying.

a few steps later

Woman: Look someone tied a kitty to a parking meter.
Man: That's a dog.
Woman: Oh.

- Downtown street

-- Overheard by Brad

Rainy day policy

Ms. Talkalot on the topic of oil alternatives: We can't use solar, because the Sun isn't always out.

- On the #44

-- Overheard by Eddie

Pillars of society

Pregnant teen girl to mom, in doctor's waiting room:
I hope it's a girl, that way it won't matter that whoever the dad is isn't around.

- Overheard by Aaron

One man's spam

Lawyer 1: I have 300 emails to go through and 200 of them are junk.
Lawyer 2: What are the other 100 about?
Lawyer 1: Well, some are from the BNA and the Digest. I don't consider those junk.
Lawyer 2 (laughing hysterically): That is so funny!

- Corner of Couch and Burnside

-- Submitted by Still Trying to Figure Out What's So Funny

The Learning Process

At a Southridge soccer game, sitting in front of a group of cheerleader-types.

Girl: We were supposed to read section nine last night, but I read section ten. Does that make me smarter?

A little while later...

Another Girl: Oh. My. God. Look at what her! Socks with sandals? Just because we're at a soccer game doesn't mean we can't have fashion!

- Overheard by MissesOregon

Rod Control

Two women had locked their keys in the car and the locksmith was using a metal stick to reach in the window and unlock the door.

Locksmith to women: Would one of you ladies hold this flashlight for me? I have better control over my rod when I use both hands.

- Overheard by Tyler